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Thinking this is it for me......

Old 05-11-2012, 01:28 PM
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Thinking this is it for me......

For the last 10 years I have rationalized every hurtful thing that has been said to me from ah. Maybe I am just hard to live with? Maybe I am crazy?

The latest thing is he says I am psycotic (sp) and he is on day 3 of completly ignoring me.

I want to believe that this is alcoholic behavior, but how do I KNOW that it is him and not me being hard to live with or crazy?

And if I do leave, how do you deal with knowing that his crazy ass will end up with someone else?? You would think that there would not be anyone else out there to put up with the drinking, but he is young, good looking and has a good job so I am sure there will be plenty lined up to take him up on his offers.

I know financially for me it wont be a problem. A little bit different lifestyle but I won't be broke or homeless.

The only thing holding me back is throwing out the 20 years we have together.

Somebody help me through this....
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Old 05-11-2012, 01:32 PM
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I have got to the point where I would welcome my good looking, young(er) ABF to go cheat on me so that he would only leave me ALONE. I have been mentioning he should go to the bar lately. I guess I am at a different point than you are, where I know enough is enough.

They all say we ARE crazy and to be honest, I have never felt crazier in my life. Though, I feel much more grounded now that I am working on a better education and saving and planning to leave. Take it slow, nothing has to be done RIGHT NOW.

Start detaching as much as you know how. Ignore the ignorance. I am getting a recorder app on my iphone today and going to start recording all of his ridiculousness.
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Old 05-11-2012, 01:38 PM
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I can't help much as I am in the beginning of my recovery and I am taking it slow. I have learned not to take anything he says personally. IMHO They are not sane enough to make a judgement call anyways.

As for the throwing away 20 years would you rather wait another 20 then realize you HAVE to throw away 40????

and chronsweet, I would do backflips if my AH would run off with another woman. That would be a miracle.
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Old 05-11-2012, 01:42 PM
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My AH didn't speak to me for 2 days after I told him I was going to Alanon! I have put up with alcoholism topped with verbal abuse for 30 years! I know I will leave him..just don't know when yet. I look at him differently now. When I do leave, I haven't even thought about him being with another woman. I don't think I would even care. I've always been told when it was time to leave him...I would know...and I truly believe that.When you've had enough and need peace in your life...you won't worry about what happens with him after you leave.

I believe the alcoholic behavior is separate from the verbal abuse mostly. The alcohol probably helps fuel it. Neither will change until THEY want it to..until THEY admit there is a problem and seek help.

Chronsweet gives good advise...start detaching as best as you can. Focus on you and your health...your peace of mind...something none of us have done for a very long time.
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Old 05-11-2012, 01:43 PM
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Originally Posted by LaneyT View Post
I can't help much as I am in the beginning of my recovery and I am taking it slow. I have learned not to take anything he says personally. IMHO They are not sane enough to make a judgement call anyways.

As for the throwing away 20 years would you rather wait another 20 then realize you HAVE to throw away 40????

.
This is exactly what I keep telling my self. This same crap was going on 10 years ago-should have left, 5 years ago, should have left. So now here I am feeling stuck and stupid.

I don't want to look back in another 5 years and go WHY didn't I leave then????
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Old 05-11-2012, 01:50 PM
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Simple question, what are you getting out of this?

Even if you are hard to live with or crazy he has the option to leave as well. Marriages are partnerships. For either one of you if you feel the partnership is over then you have the right to end it. It's not a matter of right or wrong or anything like that. Its a partnership for mutual support. When the mutual support is no longer there what's the point of the partnership.

It's hard to work through I know. I am in the process of divorcing my AW of 36 years.

Don't get hung up on the fairy tale happily ever after and love is forever propaganda either. Everything changes. It's ok to feel sad but there is no need to feel guilty.

Your friend,
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Old 05-11-2012, 01:51 PM
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Don't focus on the past and the should have's. That will put you in a bad place. I did that for awhile and it was very depressing. We can't change the past.
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Old 05-11-2012, 02:02 PM
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Many years ago I erroneously equated jealousy and love, as though those twinges of pain from imagining the x with someone else were actually signs of still being in love. It helped to realize that those 2 things are very different things, and that feelings of jealousy have nothing to do with actually being in love. It was very freeing.
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Old 05-11-2012, 02:18 PM
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I spent about 20 years with XABF#1. I was a raging codie, he was a functioning alcoholic and usually had other gf's. I accepted it, thought that was the best I deserved. I turned to drugs to deal with it, found two MORE XABFs, then finally found recovery for addiction and codependency.

Haven't seen this guy in about 10 years. Recently reconnected with a dear mutual friend and found out he'd married one of the other gf's. Now, there is no WAY I want him back, but it threw me for a loop...why didn't he marry me? What did she have that I didn't? On and on.

I finally sat down and wrote a pros/cons list of what our relationship had been like. It's then that I saw that though were good times, there was always a price to pay for them. Why did he choose her? Simple...she's worse of a codie than I was. I told my friend and her daughter, when we met for lunch, that I always thought I could "fix him". They both busted out laughing, said "oh, trust us...he's STILL not fixed, far from it".

I also realize that he couldn't handle the person I've become. The first time he lit into me, verbally, like he used to? I'd be gone.

Yes, I do sometimes regret "wasting 20 years" with him, but I also realized that he was part of a path I needed to walk. I still haven't quite figured out what all I want in a man, but I damned sure know what I DON'T want, and that's progress

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 05-11-2012, 04:11 PM
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Please help me understand your post.

You stay in an unfulfilling, hurtful relationship, because you don't want to see him with someone else?

Saying this without any malice, but.......... A mean,cruel ,hurtful,out of control active alkie is no prize. I wouldn't wish that upon any
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Old 05-11-2012, 10:22 PM
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The shoulds, coulds, and what might be ifs always put me in negative town USA.
None if those thought matter...they are not facts all fantasy. The truth can stuck so the shoulds seem like a safer option for our egos but it really accomplishes nothing.
For me it's better to deal with the initial sting of the truth than o get caught up in what should be...sometimes I don't catch my self and I pay the price.

It is what it is now what am I going to do? Funny how I don't do what would probably be best for me...thats the 100,000,000.00 Codie question.
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Old 05-11-2012, 11:08 PM
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For me with my alcoholic ex fiancee, I just left. I tried not to think of those things and instead thought of how things would be better.

And I don't think it is good you get called crazy, but in a weird way a relief to know I am not the only one! But let me tell you, I am so much better mentally than I was with him.

I sure hope whatever you decide that things get better for you.
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Old 05-12-2012, 07:00 AM
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When I was living with an active alcoholic, I was crazy. They make us crazy!
When the alcoholic in my life told me something about myself, especially something negative, I took it as gospel. I took it totally to heart and she had the capacity, with words, to make me feel like crap. Even though she was a raging alcoholic, I made her my higher power and gave her the power to tell me about me.
I can't tell you how to fix that in your own life. For me, the first step was to recognize that I was allowed to have boundaries. I had no boundaries. I was like "Really, I'm allowed to have boundaries!?" I thought that's how marriage was supposed to be, no boundaries. But what an improvement! I still had problems and issues in my life...but I no longer gave her the authority to decide what they were.
It didn't happen overnight. And it wasn't something I could do by myself. For me, Al-Anon helped. A lot. If you want help, Al-Anon is cheap therapy.
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Old 05-12-2012, 07:08 PM
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oh boy. you sound just like me. the first step is the hardest. go to alanon - shore yourself up. you deserve better than you are getting - you're just so used to being treated like **** that you feel "stuck and stupid". You're not stuck - you can make it on your own. And you're definitely not stupid - you managed to find SR, you know your A is a sick person, and you seem to have the beginnings of making a move to get out. As for someone else scooping him up - hopefully they will - so THEY can take the insults and watch him pee in the closet or the hallway when he thinks it's the bathroom. Let THEM listen to all of his BS when he goes on a bender. I've been down that road with my AH so many times! I'm back into my recovery now and HOW SWEET IT IS! i had forgotten how jouful i could be - how effortless things are when I'm not constantly worried about him and what he will do do or say or think. Let someone else be exhausted by your A - save yourself!
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Old 05-13-2012, 02:30 AM
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In times of trouble, when I lost focus, I sought help through therapy. It was not related to my ABF (we were not together at the time), but it helped.
Take care of yourself
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Old 05-13-2012, 03:12 AM
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The key for me was seeing a Psychoanalyst..

Not sure if it helps but his key theme was "Healthy" relationships. Why on earth would you put up with your AH partner who is so damaged she/he cant entertain a healthy relationship.

It took six months but after 5 years the AH routine got so old it became boring. I really believe this therapy saved my mind as I was going mad trying to fix it.

Im so eager to move on, meet someone who treats me for me and vice versa.We only have one life and sober or active my AH partner was not a nice person - just took me 4 years to see it.
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