nolongerknow you are indeed killing yourself, but its a long, slow, humiliating death. It does not have to be like this. Right now you can not see it but there is hope for you. You can have a life free of alcohol and drugs but you need to get through the difficult time that comes when you first stop drinking. The craving to pick up again will be huge at first because doing so would keep the withdraws away. This is only temporary and will pass eventually. You can get through it, many in a situation similar to yours have. I have, and now twelve days later I feel like a new man. The human body is incredibly resilient and rebounds pretty quick. Stay strong through this relative short period and you will be on your way to recovery. I will keep my eye out for you here and keep you in my thoughts.