I just went back and read some of my old posts all at various points on the alcoholic crazy roller coaster and was overwhelmed with gratitude for the many posters on this website who took the ride with me along the way and offered their ESH. I stayed on the recovery path for myself even when my XA drifted out of his own recovery and set the stage for our final breakup.
So many times my XA was the poster child for recovery... he was a walking talking miracle and I had so much hope even though I always knew that the reality of relapse was just one bad decision away.
And now when I am picking up the pieces of my life AGAIN I look back and believe that this is one of the hardest parts of life with an A. It is the uncertainty of it all. There is no bedrock of a foundation on our relationship and our lives together.
Partnering with an A in recovery feels like you are building your future on shifting sand and you have to constantly peer out to sea and watch for the coming storms. It fed the codieness in me... I had to be the watchman... look for signs of relapse that ALWAYS came! Whether it was 1 week or 1 year it always came and quite frankly it was always preventable by the A... but he wasn't a watchman over himself and his recovery.
What have I learned? Life with my A was either drinking, crisis management, hospitalization, detox, white knuckled abstinence, jails, institutions or treatment centers and on rare occasions real spiritual recovery and the flowering of hope for the future with him.
But despite my hopes and prayers and complete dedication to a life sacrificed to his recovery the roller coaster went over the top again plunged to the very depths of h*** one last time.
They say that life with an addict is like taking an elevator to h*** and we can choose what floor we want to get off on. I stayed in that elevator until my shoes were on fire.
I am done with the heat... they say if you can't take the heat stay out of the kitchen!
My A was doing great... FANTASTIC in fact. We moved into our dream house and were looking forward to traveling the world together. He had been sober for 6 months with a relapse 6 months before that one. He went to a business meeting in another city and drank and went on a bender the end of February. I packed him up and moved him out and he flew to Vegas.
He is still there drinking himself to death. I detached completely, went NC. I am off the elevator and the roller coaster. The wise posters on this site couldn't have used crow bars or dynamite to get me off the elevator and roller coasters of my life with my A. I had to ride the ride over and over and over again getting the same results.
Its a journey. If you add alanon, this website, counselors and education (read, read, read, read) you start getting better even if your A does not!
Today I am living his dream. He loved golf and we moved to a golf community. He's gone and I didn't play. I do now! Got a tee time at 4 pm and then my girlfriends and I are going out dancing!
Hope this helps! Live your life... make a plan B, C and D. Don't wrap it all up on someone who lives their life on shifting sand.
Thats my ESH. Life can be good for an old codie like me and old dogs can learn new tricks.