sad again

Old 05-11-2012, 09:15 PM
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sad again

I haven't been here in about 9 months. My alcoholic husband has been sober and in recovery for 8 mos. We participated in an intensive outpatient program for a long time. My husband just relapsed and moved out today. I came home from work and been crying all day and night. This roller coaster is too much. I need to move on once and for all.
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Old 05-11-2012, 10:08 PM
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So sorry to hear.

Seems to be an all to common occurance.

I grew to hate the roller coaster.

Just take care of yourself.

Whatever he chooses to do, is out of your control.

Focus on yourself, we will be right here with you.
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Old 05-11-2012, 10:15 PM
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I do empathise.. mine replased after 5 months .. this will be her 3rd time in Rehab. She only went as I said it would be over.

Im afraid that it doesnt get better and you deserve someone that makes you happy.

God bless
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Old 05-11-2012, 10:30 PM
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So many of us hate the roller coaster if insanity but we keep getting on for another ride expecting and hoping for a peaceful ride WHY?????

Just when I think I'm not going to ever buy another ticket I find my self sitting in the roller coaster's very old and tiring.
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Old 05-11-2012, 11:16 PM
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I hope things get better for you. Just ask yourself though, is this something you want to deal with forever. Even if he comes back or things are better for awhile, in the blink of an eye, all of this can happen again...and again.
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Old 05-12-2012, 12:45 AM
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That sounds so hard - eight months is such a long time. I've finally told my ABF to move out and i've said no contact for a year of him being sober but I feel so sad that he might not stay sober, or more worryingly he might but then relapse again if we get back together and where does that leave me? He stayed sober for about six months last year but then wanted to 'try drinking' again just to see. He then relapsed as I knew he would and I realised he'd only been able to stop for that long as he thought it was temporary.

I wish it didn't hurt so much - I just wish I'd left years ago, the first time he went on a bender but I didn't see it. Maybe he would have sorted himself out sooner, or at least it wouldn't hurt so much. Now i've invested nearly six years and i've never felt pain like it. It's made worse that he hasn't physically moved out so we are like strangers being polite but having conversations about what might happen in the future that I know isn't helping either of us but neither of us is angry so it's hard to know what to say or do. I'm staying with other people for a bit to get some space as this is too much like picking at the scab.
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Old 05-12-2012, 04:41 AM
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I know how you feel. ((HUGS)). Last year my AX relapsed and I came home from a three-hour college class I was taking to find he'd moved out while I was at class. Can you imagine?

I couldn't take the roller coaster anymore either. He and I got back together after that, got engaged, moved back in together, etc. He could not stay sober. I could not live like that and broke it off.

It got to the point where I had a sick feeling in my stomach all the time, even when he was sober. Because I knew he could relapse at any second.

I am sad. I love him and miss him. But my life is so much better now that he's out of it. I know what I can expect, pretty much.
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Old 05-12-2012, 04:55 AM
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That darn roller-coaster....I remember it well. A friend said the breaking up part was like "surgery with a hacksaw" sad.....I am 4 1/2 yrs after divorce and now as the pain dulls- it is like looking back at old pictures. I have to remember the "bad" things- the dealbreakers.....I am very into the Codependent's Anonymous book now. I relate to the stories. Meeting makers make it too- you may want to hit one a day for awhile if you last nights Alanon was on honesty. I know one thing for sure- I will never live with active addiction again. Glad we are all on the recovery road together- it helps to not feel alone in this ca ca.
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Old 05-12-2012, 05:01 AM
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I am very sorry you are so sad. I guess real life was too much for him. That sucks for you, but also frees you to live an authentic life that is all yours.
You went to the intensive outpatient too? Maybe there is some help there for you, to get back to center and work on you.
Be good to yourself and keep coming back.

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Old 05-12-2012, 05:42 AM
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I just went back and read some of my old posts all at various points on the alcoholic crazy roller coaster and was overwhelmed with gratitude for the many posters on this website who took the ride with me along the way and offered their ESH. I stayed on the recovery path for myself even when my XA drifted out of his own recovery and set the stage for our final breakup.

So many times my XA was the poster child for recovery... he was a walking talking miracle and I had so much hope even though I always knew that the reality of relapse was just one bad decision away.

And now when I am picking up the pieces of my life AGAIN I look back and believe that this is one of the hardest parts of life with an A. It is the uncertainty of it all. There is no bedrock of a foundation on our relationship and our lives together.

Partnering with an A in recovery feels like you are building your future on shifting sand and you have to constantly peer out to sea and watch for the coming storms. It fed the codieness in me... I had to be the watchman... look for signs of relapse that ALWAYS came! Whether it was 1 week or 1 year it always came and quite frankly it was always preventable by the A... but he wasn't a watchman over himself and his recovery.

What have I learned? Life with my A was either drinking, crisis management, hospitalization, detox, white knuckled abstinence, jails, institutions or treatment centers and on rare occasions real spiritual recovery and the flowering of hope for the future with him.

But despite my hopes and prayers and complete dedication to a life sacrificed to his recovery the roller coaster went over the top again plunged to the very depths of h*** one last time.

They say that life with an addict is like taking an elevator to h*** and we can choose what floor we want to get off on. I stayed in that elevator until my shoes were on fire.

I am done with the heat... they say if you can't take the heat stay out of the kitchen!

My A was doing great... FANTASTIC in fact. We moved into our dream house and were looking forward to traveling the world together. He had been sober for 6 months with a relapse 6 months before that one. He went to a business meeting in another city and drank and went on a bender the end of February. I packed him up and moved him out and he flew to Vegas.

He is still there drinking himself to death. I detached completely, went NC. I am off the elevator and the roller coaster. The wise posters on this site couldn't have used crow bars or dynamite to get me off the elevator and roller coasters of my life with my A. I had to ride the ride over and over and over again getting the same results.

Its a journey. If you add alanon, this website, counselors and education (read, read, read, read) you start getting better even if your A does not!

Today I am living his dream. He loved golf and we moved to a golf community. He's gone and I didn't play. I do now! Got a tee time at 4 pm and then my girlfriends and I are going out dancing!

Hope this helps! Live your life... make a plan B, C and D. Don't wrap it all up on someone who lives their life on shifting sand.

Thats my ESH. Life can be good for an old codie like me and old dogs can learn new tricks.
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Old 05-12-2012, 05:53 AM
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Originally Posted by Hopeworks View Post
They say that life with an addict is like taking an elevator to h*** and we can choose what floor we want to get off on. I stayed in that elevator until my shoes were on fire.
Lol! Been there, done that. Thanks for sharing--your post helps me a lot. It's like we've all lived the same lives. In an odd sense it's comforting to know that life with an A is the same for everyone.
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Old 05-12-2012, 06:08 AM
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Everybody here knows exactly what I feel and I am so happy to have you all. I really have to do NO CONTACT. I have to remember who he is at his worst. I cannot wait for my new life, stable.
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Old 05-12-2012, 06:11 AM
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This is probably the wrong thing for me to be asking right now but are there ever any stories of people who do get sober and their partners get themselves back on track so they can be in a relationship again? Or is this 0.00000001%? It just feels so bleak.

My ABF has gone to meet his sponsor or so he says - I'm going out overnight so I don't sit at home waiting for him wondering if he's there or drinking. I look like i did ten rounds with Mike Tyson from so much crying - am looking forward to getting sick of it. Just hope he finds somewhere soon so I can look back on what we had with happy memories rather than resenting him for staying too long. Guess what will be will be. Just such a waste.
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