Accepting everything is hard. Knowing his short comings are easy.
He is still drinking on a regular basis. He says that hes doing fine with his drinking and it is only every other, sometimes every 2 days. I don't understand how that's a good thing. He doesn't want to stop. I can't push him. His friends are supportive of his cheating and lying to me and for breaking up his family, but not one of them is trying to help him with his alcoholism. I can't believe that I never saw them for who they are. I've also realized that every friend that we had, that were his first, are all fake and frauds. I can't believe how much of my time I wasted with them. I had my kids around them. It's amazing how much I am seeing now.
His w***e is still calling him as well as him calling her. He really doesn't know how to keep his word. It hurts. I wish I could shut off all feelings and move on. We are proceeding with the divorce. He is cold and unattached. He doesn't want the kids more than every other weekend. That works for me, but I can't believe he is willing to give them up after claiming how much he loves them and how important they are to him. Truth is, they aren't as important to him as alcohol. I understand this disease but I still can't understand how he let it get the best of him.
He was once an amazing guy. I think only for about 4 years out of our relationship though. After that is when he started going downhill. He drank the whole day during my sons communion celebration. He didn't go to bed until the last beer was gone from the cooler.
I have some amazing friends that I have known for years and I am so grateful for them. I just wish they lived closer to me so I can see them. I'm starting Alanon soon with a friend of mine. I was thinking of not going since I don't actually have to live/deal with an alcoholic because he isn't around us. Only on weekends, which luckily are dying down. But what I forgot was I do need this for my kids as well. I have to be able to help them. They are the only importance to me. While he threw all of us in a wreckage, it is my job to safely bring them out with guidance, honesty, love and support. I will not protect him anymore from my kids learning about him.
I don't want to fight with him anymore but sometimes I can't help it. I think it's ok that I am hurt, feel betrayed, angry and feel all of those other emotions. One of his friends told me that I need to move forward and get past all of this now. Wow, I think that is easier said than done. Especially since I never saw any of it coming my way. Yes, he has been a huge disappointment, as a husband, a friend and as a daddy. But I still always loved him. What I am focusing on now is not the love, but all the mess he made without thought. How easy it was for him to walk out and not look back. How there is not one ounce of remorse or even the slightest emotion showing. This is all still very fresh. It happened less than 2 months ago.
We had made an agreement that we weren't telling anyone until we were both ready and now I find out that he has told so many people. How could I think he would keep another word of his?
I don't get any of it, I guess I won't either. He sucks. I will come out of this on top. He will probably live in the hell he created for a very long time if he doesn't seek help. I can't worry about him anymore. He doesn't care about me.