Just a few months into recovery I did feel prepared and strong enough to handle anything. I wanted to see this relationship and him through my fresh perspective. And the only thing that has really changed is my perspective. I do see positive changes in both of us but he is still hard-wired. He even admitted it in many ways. I think we both know the truth.
He is still emotionally volatile and withdrawn. I see the fear, isolation, selfishness, self-pity, self-destruction, and desperation. I too have got caught up in this cycle from the beginning of our relationship however now I do not engage or react. The interesting part is that the trip itself was good and I enjoyed my time with him. But really, long distance? up and down? never really there? not available? withdrawn? empty promises? Not the kind of relationship I want no matter how much I love him.
Sure I have the decision to go on with this, talking on the phone and visiting every once in a while. Will I? I am not sure yet. Even though I was at peace with him, I realize that this may just be because I satisfied the intense craving for him and got some temporary relief. He asked me what I wanted to do while I was down there and I only made one request. I wanted to go to a park and lay with him in the sun and relax. He did not oblige and did not seem interested at all. So I let it go. I realized that as much as his true self may love me deep down- the addict sees me as a threat and an annoyance.
So when I arrived back home I went to the park and laid in the sun on the warm grass in the company of my HP. I humbly asked to bless him and change me. I need to be good to myself because I can see how the jerking around and trembling inside could lead to health problems on all levels. It seems that my trying to maintain connection with him is destructive for us both. I would like to come to a point where no contact feels like the only way. I do however do not feel like I am back at square one...just step one.
And thanks for all of the honest and open insights. I do not feel attacked or ganged up on. I feel more strength and hope by receiving and giving. For all of those I love- the right thing to do is to love myself.