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What am I thinking?

Old 05-01-2012, 02:00 AM
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What am I thinking?

I have a plane ticket to go see him in 2 days-huh? How did this happen?

I broke no contact a month ago when he called on my birthday and have been communicating with him daily since. I also agreed that we are a couple again-huh? Is he still in active addiction-yes. Not with his DOC to my knowledge however it really does not matter. Same addiction- different face.

I am beginning recovery in Al-anon as of 3 months ago. I am on step one. I have already changed with this step work and counseling. I am aware that I am actively trying to pursue a long distance relationship with an active non-recovering addict for whom I still feel in love with. I have a choice to see the truth and I am avoiding reality.

I am justifying to myself why it is okay to go and be with him for 5 days. Justifying that it is not all that bad and that we can make this work. Simply because I want to. Could any good come from this? Maybe I feel the need to satisfy some curiosity. Or maybe this is just my addiction to him.

I am highly considering changing my mind and canceling this trip. I am not sure what to say to him and I feel guilty, sad, shameful, and full of desire to see him. But the warning bells are going off in my heart and my gut as to the risks and consequences for going to see him.

I just want to hear it from someone else even though my HP is giving me plenty of signs. I fear and am coming to understand that the right thing to do is let go.
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Old 05-01-2012, 06:28 AM
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What is it you want, that you control?
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Old 05-01-2012, 07:04 AM
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You know the answer.
There is nothing here anyone can say.
It is hard to go no contact, it is harder to keep digging the hole.
Cancel the trip, and go to AlAnon.
Why do we not listen to our gut?
:horse
Pictures help.
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Old 05-01-2012, 07:15 AM
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Listen to your therapist, your sponsor and instincts - they all have your best interest in mind.

That said - I understand your conflict and I pray you do what is best for YOU!
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Old 05-01-2012, 07:29 AM
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This is the same guy who physically abused you?
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Old 05-01-2012, 07:32 AM
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"What am I thinking? "

Honestly...I have no clue.

Why aren't you no contact with him?

You are going to do what you are going to do, nothing we say will change that, nothing with him has changed, he is still addicted and unstable and you still are chasing him around. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
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Old 05-01-2012, 07:39 AM
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Oh boy... our addicts and the things they do to us/talk us into doing.
He's pretty much already got his claws into you if youre talking to him again,dont know how you ended up back in a relationship with him, and dont know how you ended up with a plane ticket to see him.
He manipulated you into all of this one way or another, and now you are starting to panic because you stopped to look at the whole scenario and don't realize how it got this far already..
I know that urge to run,slam the door, and not look back.. I have yet to successfully run away and not come back.
It's hard to accomplish, especially when you do have genuine love for the person.
I recommend that if you DO in fact end up going on this trip, that you do not let yourself fall back to where you were.
Attend at least one meeting while you are away from home, and don't let him talk you out of that.
Make it very clear to him that it is a part of YOUR recovery and that is something you will not sacrifice for him.
This trip could be the last final eye opener you need to put it all behind you, so I'm not going to advise you to cancel the trip..
It could be good or bad for you, but either way it will be a new lesson learned..
So, I say go.. but put your needs and best interests before EVERYTHING and EVERYONE else.
You do not have to go see him and be a care taker, or put up with any of his addict BS.
Let's say you go there and it wasn't what you expected or it's worse than you expected.. leave.
It's really that simple. Leave and go enjoy your time away from home. Turn it into your own personal get away and really enoy it.
Try not to occupy your mind or all of your time with thoughts of him.
Whatever you decide I support you, and I hope all turns out well.
I'll be thinking of you, and please do keep us informed on your decisions and whatever happens.
((hugs))
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Old 05-01-2012, 07:54 AM
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If your plane ticket cost $400 and you cancel your trip and let it go to waste, it will be the best $400 bucks you can spend. Consider it buying a good choice, or buying your own sanity. Going will cost you a lot more than the price of the trip.

If you blocked his number, how did he call you on your birthday? or did you just DELETE his number thinking that you could handle hitting ignore when you saw those familiar digits pop up?
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Old 05-01-2012, 08:05 AM
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In early recovery, you are very fragile and your thinking is still fogged. I understand the wanting to be with him and being unable to let go completely. But when we are in early recovery, just as addicts in early recovery are advised, we do best to "follow direction" from long-time recovering people or from counselors, because, just like the addict, our "best thinking" got us to this place of misery. Like the addict, our thinking is fogged and we are often incapable in early recovery of understanding or controlling our compulsions and emotional drunkenness.

I agree that going on this trip places you in an emotionally volatile situation which could possibly traumatize you even further.

But if you decide to go and isolate yourself with this active drug user who has damaged you in the past, take an Al-Anon phone list with you and use it, check in with SR daily, and do not have unprotected sex.

Above all, do not feel shame for any choice you make which you later come to regret. We are all learning, and we have all made wrong turns of one kind or another. If you decide to go on this trip, and if it is a catastrophe for you, do not feel shame. It will simply have been the outcome of being a wounded person who made a wrong turn.

And we all know what that's like.
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Old 05-01-2012, 08:08 AM
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Originally Posted by illbewaiting View Post

Oh boy... our addicts and the things they do to us/talk us into doing.
This ^ is a victim's mindset.

Using the " I love him/her, " is an excuse to choose people and/or situations that lead to predictable disappointment, failure and mistreatment.
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Old 05-01-2012, 08:27 AM
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Originally Posted by outtolunch View Post
This ^ is a victim's mindset.

Using the " I love him/her, " is an excuse to choose people and/or situations that lead to predictable disappointment, failure and mistreatment.
Interesting, I did think "no one can make us do anything" which is a start for me. (no judgments being made on what was posted, just checking myself for progress).

Can you please give an example of a healthy mindset? I am good at saying what should not be done..finding what I feel is wrong but still struggling with healthier thinking of how I should talk to myself.

I hope this makes sense.
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Old 05-01-2012, 08:38 AM
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Well hello there Black and Blue, my strong beautiful poetic friend.

I've noticed you missing, and now I note that your no contact here coincides with contact with him. Remember that we are not here to judge, we are here for each other to support, encourage and hold each other accountable. Don't disappear when you might most need the support!

I NEVER want to have to quit smoking again!!

I NEVER want to have to wake up again after a blackout night of drinking, and feel that wave of remorse, humiliation and shame...so sick and de-humanizing.

Incomprehensible demoralization...that's what we call it in recovery.

Remember that the person you love is waking to days of humiliation, shame, guilt, self-hatred, feeling demoralized and de-humanized. He is not capable of giving anything that is deep and sustainable until he takes care of his own heart and soul. Until then he can only "want" to give...and he is (I'm 98% sure) giving to GET. Of course he is going to sweet talk, charm and "love you back" in anyway he can in order to get that soothing FIX of "I'm okay...someone loves me" enough to get on a plane and be intimate with me.

That "I'm okay" is the insane drug of denial for an addict, and you are preparing to give it to him...

I NEVER want to wake up feeling like I am a FIX for an active addict.
I NEVER want to feel as though my LOVE is an EXCUSE to USE...(twist it anyway possible; that I gave it, that I took it away, that it isn't good enough, expressed in the right way, patient enough, understanding enough, etc etc etc.)

I NEVER want to go through that cycle again of "WHY did I trust?!" "Why did I think it would be different?!" "Why am I so desperate?"

I NEVER want to have to question whether my love is a fantasy, whether my hope is denial, or whether my support and encouragement for someone I love is enabling.

If I am in relationship with an active addict every single one of the things that I never want to do again...come to be my reality AGAIN.

Maybe your perspective "that it wasn't that bad" is part of your process of recovery??? I know this may sound like a weird take, and may be seen as dangerous and vulnerable...but you know what? It's my life too. It's my history and my recovery.

I can keep it really simple.

I fell in love with an addict, and I spiraled into a codependent relationship with him. I forgive both of us for that, I have compassion for both of us. I pray for the soul healing for all of us. We all suffer, and hopefully we learn...hopefully we heal. It takes A LOT of work, A LOT of time processing, healing, making amends with self and others. I don't want to spend my life going through that painful process AGAIN & AGAIN. I've already spent two years doing that...and yes, I appreciate the lessons. For ME? Maybe it wasn't that bad...I survived, I learned, I grew, my spirit, heart and mind expanded, I had to look at deep wounds and own them, embrace them.

And now I get to move forward in life with the healing and the history. But I don't have to keep re-wounding myself and I don't have to repeat history.
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Old 05-01-2012, 08:43 AM
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I am not sure what to say to him and I feel guilty, sad, shameful, and full of desire to see him

certainly not the sign of a healthy relationship

praying for your peace and serenity
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Old 05-01-2012, 10:16 AM
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Lesliej- I have not been on SR for about 2 weeks now and just 2 Al-anon meetings in that time and 1 counseling session. Thank you for this insight. My last post was telling. I fell into the loneliness and then I was given a "way out" with this ticket to go see him. There is a part of me that wants to see this as a test.

What would I hope to see?

Change in me and the way I react to him. That my feelings for him may have changed and that the mystery of him is not so mysterious anymore. That there is love and that I can let go by seeing the truth with my own eyes. But I already know the truth.

What would I expect to see?

First an outpouring of emotion and love and maybe some drama. Without a doubt an argument when he and I realize there is little trust. And then I come home knowing that the distance between us will continue to grow. Feeling temporarily fulfilled with love and affection that is fleeting and cannot be sustained because of addiction.

Freedom1990- He never physically abused me. Emotional abuse- plenty.

English Garden- the unprotected sex reminder set off more alarm bells. This is probably the most important reminder. Physical intimacy will only deepen my emotional attachment to something unattainable- a fantasy. That being said- it is inevitable if I proceed. I need protection on every level.

The guilt is that he helped with the plane ticket and is expecting me tomorrow. I have not made up my mind about seeing him or not. I have family there and I could go to some meetings. I could also get yet another wake up call out of this and have enough in my face to shut AND lock the door and lose the keys. I have taken many steps toward letting go. It feels like 2 steps forward and 1 step back. This one might set me back farther or create room for immense growth.

I guess I am not good with not knowing.

Outtolunch- what is that I want that I control? Do you mean by continuing with this relationship and going to see him? Huh? I am not entirely sure. I have to dig to find that answer. Love? Validation? Affection? I don't know. Maybe that is where I am stuck.
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Old 05-01-2012, 10:58 AM
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"I am a beautiful, intelligent, successful 30 year old woman who has allowed another person to bring me down for the sake of dare I say, love."

You should add "lonely" and "weak" to this.

If you see him, you will most likely get owned and start the cycle again.

I wish you luck and hope that one day you can take yourself off the bargain rack. You deserve it.
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Old 05-01-2012, 02:47 PM
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"That "I'm okay" is the insane drug of denial for an addict, and you are preparing to give it to him..."

Wow, I get that! That is why he wants to come home. Each time I caved, I unknowingly made him sicker! I am not blaming myself for his addcition....but I can now see how my enabling ways made it worse!!
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Old 05-01-2012, 03:52 PM
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wow anvilhead.....that makes so much sense.

Today has had some many aha moments for me and that one really makes sense!! Thank you SR, thank you to those who made it out and got healthy!
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Old 05-01-2012, 04:49 PM
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Flirting with addiction. Him, being yours. Curiosity, kills the cat. It is that "just one more time" factor. Can I use and not get strung out mentality. The drug calls our name and we perk our head. Mental flirtation is foreplay.

If you go you are indirectly telling him that he can use and you will accept it. Being a recovering addict myself I am speaking from experience. Addicts tend to test the water to see if they can get you to step in.

I am assuming he knows that using is unacceptable to you, but yet if he is using and he can get you to still come see him then in his mind he can get to compromise and at some point live together again. Actions speak louder than words. You're actions will be telling him the whole truth and if he can get you to sleep with him then in his mind he will be able to win you over.

No one can tell you what to do or not to do, but I can tell you that you are playing with fire and more then likely you will end up getting burnt.

There is nothing there that you haven't already had before. He is the same person. Just right now he more then likely is pouring on the charm. Addicts are always sweet when they want something. So sweet that a girl can get lost in the fantasy and forget why she broke up with him in the first place, but rest assured he will remind you in time.

You are teetering on dangerous territory and the scariest part is you are going in with your eyes wide open. You, yourself are having second thoughts, questioning to go or not to go. I fully believe that you know the 'right answer' now it is up to you to put yourself, your sanity and your best interest first and foremost.

Kiss the frog and you'll end up with warts. I guarantee it.

As for the ticket that he helped purchase. I'm sure when he was/has/is using he throws a lot more away then his share. Personally, if I couldn't get my money back I'd cut the cord and count the loss as a gain in my favor.

There is still time. You don't have to get on that plane. Look in the mirror and repeat after me. I deserve so much better than this and after the plane departs without you on it you can say goodbye to one step forward two steps backwards cause you will have taken a huge giant step in the right direction for your recovery. You can do it! I know you can!

I am rooting for you

Passion
Recovering addict/alcoholic/codependent
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Old 05-01-2012, 11:02 PM
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I am playing with fire when I know the consequences. I am looking for loopholes and justifications that something good could possibly come out of this. I think my attitude was well- why not? It is about weakness and loneliness. It is the about the rush. It is about the desire. It is curiosity. It is about my addiction to him. It is about craving.

Truth be told- the relationship is dying a really slow death. Truth be told- he even knows that and he is likely testing my boundaries. I know that real love within me will open up in my heart once I let go. But letting go has been a process I don't do well. I have never ripped a band-aid off in my life.

He has no recovery that I am aware of and I am just beginning mine. 3 months in Al-anon and 1 month of counseling. I think unconscious desires are playing a part in my decision and it feels like a powerful pull. I think I just miss the connection and affection. It seems like that world is so far gone. The world of trust, intimacy, and love. False hope. Insecurity. Trembling. I need to wake up.
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Old 05-01-2012, 11:18 PM
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If you decide to go, I pray you will find closure. I pray you use your new recently obtained tools to look at him in a different light.

I really think Anvilheads post made so much sense! Please reread it. Our addicts our addictions, IMO! How can we expect them to stop if we can't?? Please be careful. Our emotional health are still so fragile!

Active addiction = Emotional Abuse!! Don't allow anyone to abuse you! You deserve, I deserve, we all deserve so much better!! :ghug3
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