Hi SD,
Firstly, I am sorry you are fed up and struggling with this horrible thing.
You CAN do this.
I went 2 years with no drink. I was cured!
Yey! Well no, not really. I drank my head off then for a year and a half.
I then went through the "giving up" phase AGAIN.
August 15th, I went to AA again after doing a huge geographic.
I went from New York to Ireland, where I am from originally.
I stayed with my parents, (long story, kinda relevant but not going into it) from June-August when I moved into a house about 100 yards from an AA mtg 3/week. I started stopping.
I went from not being able to go a day, to stopping on October 21st 2010.
The last bender was after 28 days off. Flying! Then the addictive voice starts. I shared at a meeting how I was feeling. Got the usual, "don't take the first drink, go to meetings, get a sponsor etc, etc, etc,"
Went home and bought a bottle of brandy. Drank most of it and finished it off the next day. Final drink.
Ok, not in particular order except for the last one.
I had to avoid people, places and things that made me want to drink.
I had to ask for help.
I had to go to lots of AA meetings.
I had to shut up for once, and listen.
I had to get humble (not humiliated, humble) and tell people at the meetings that I drank.
Honesty, no hiding, sneaking,
Allowed myself to eat whatever I wanted. I ate so much chocolate and cake and chips and pizza and cookies!
HALT, do not get hungry, angry, lonely, tired.*********very big help*********
I had to accept that the people who were saving my life were not my normal company. They were from all walks of life. The ones that really helped me out were tough characters.
I had to accept responsibility for buying alcohol. I said at that time, If God himself would have come down or an angel or something and met me at the off-licence and stopped me, that would be nice, but unlikely. Stop buying alcohol stupid!!!! That hurt.
I had to get on my knees and pray at night to say thanks and in the morning to ask for help. I am Catholic by upbringing, but honestly not religious. I just truly believe in a higher power. I think it is like different names around the world for the same supreme being.
I was not working. I was not able. I had savings and used them all to get this. I was desperate. I also knew I would not be good at my job. It would be unethical to work as effed-up as I was.
I slept when I could. I was told not to worry about sleep, no one dies from lack of sleep, I did sleep, just not much and not at night!
I went for long walks. Really long walks. No music, just nature, people etc.
I shared about my struggle only with AA people for the most part. No-one except another alcoholic/addict gets it. I tried a few times with my sister but she got mad at me when I drank, took it personal, tried to manage me.
There is more, but the last thing that got to me was that voice in my head telling me it was ok to drink. I figured that if someone came up and suggested hurting my niece or nephew, I would throw that person out of my house! No way! You are no friend of mine!!!! Then I would shut down the discussion. OVER! DONE! Why would I talk to this filthy creep? They lost their uncle to this. You are going to take me too? I don't think so, beat it. It was weird at first but I really stuck to it. OUT!!!!
The last thing was really this. I just had to go through the horrible, fearsome, withdrawal, the mental and physical STOPPING of drinking. I just had to! There is no way around it! Just through it. Embrace every minute of suffering anguish, because this was me getting better.
That is it, that is all I have.
Don't give up.
But suck up the discomfort. Amputate the drink out of your life. Beat it senseless!!
And then, hold on for the real hard stuff, life.
And, remember that 2 years I had before? Yea, don't ever get complacent.
