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Same old story

Old 05-09-2012, 05:11 PM
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Same old story

Well. Here I am again. I'm not posting in the newcomers forum anymore. Look at my join date.

I'm so sick of this. I just don't understand why I can't stop drinking. In other aspects of life I make logical choices. With alcohol, I have no logic. No control.

Im sorry for yet another worthless post. Maybe someday I will get it.

Thanks for reading.

-SD
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Old 05-09-2012, 05:18 PM
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Hi SD

maybe that 'someday I'll get it' stuff is part of the problem?
I really believe we're in charge here - we get out of our recovery what we put into it.

You can make today your last day one - if you really want it.
I really believe that too...

If what you've been doing so far keeps leading you back to the same place, maybe it's time to up the stakes and try doing something different?

D
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Old 05-09-2012, 05:25 PM
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I agree with Dee ... nothing changes if nothing changes. What you're doing now to get and stay sober obviously isn't working. What can you do differently this time?
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Old 05-09-2012, 05:32 PM
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Have you been to a treatment center? Sounds like that would be the place for you. The people there will help you to understand your problem. You will learn how to stay sober when you are ready to quit, treatment is for people who are looking for away to stay sober they have very good food snacks and classes through out the day 5 days a week 28 day program I went to it my son went to the 90 day program 3 whole months so if we done it so can you my son has slipped a time or 2 but he knows how to stay clean he is doing good now works every day staying busy best thing for us addicts so go see a drug counselor he or she can get you enrolled in treatment for free or for insurance. Hang in there you can do it.
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Old 05-09-2012, 05:37 PM
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Thumbs up

Alcoholics Anonymous San Diego Central Office

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BBA in SD |Big Book Awakenings in San Diego | Index

Welcome to Southern Cal Speakers | Southern Cal Speakers
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Old 05-09-2012, 05:42 PM
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Thanks for the replys.

One of my problems is that I keep thinking that I can "think" my way out of this.

I think that I can reason my way out of my addiction.

It's clear to me now that this is not the case.
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Old 05-09-2012, 05:44 PM
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I thought that for *soooo* long too.

You can't think your way out of a hole SD - you need to start climbing...

Action gets you out of the cycle.

D
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Old 05-09-2012, 05:45 PM
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My sponsor says we can't think our way into better acting, but we can act our way into better thinking.

Key word is action.

As in....Go to AA.

Look at all the help offered in San Diego.

I wish I was there to learn from the Big Book awakening groups.

Another thing my sponsor says, is ...You want sobriety? Go get it.


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Old 05-09-2012, 06:05 PM
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Don't give up!

Hi SD,
Firstly, I am sorry you are fed up and struggling with this horrible thing.

You CAN do this.
I went 2 years with no drink. I was cured!
Yey! Well no, not really. I drank my head off then for a year and a half.
I then went through the "giving up" phase AGAIN.
August 15th, I went to AA again after doing a huge geographic.
I went from New York to Ireland, where I am from originally.
I stayed with my parents, (long story, kinda relevant but not going into it) from June-August when I moved into a house about 100 yards from an AA mtg 3/week. I started stopping.
I went from not being able to go a day, to stopping on October 21st 2010.
The last bender was after 28 days off. Flying! Then the addictive voice starts. I shared at a meeting how I was feeling. Got the usual, "don't take the first drink, go to meetings, get a sponsor etc, etc, etc,"

Went home and bought a bottle of brandy. Drank most of it and finished it off the next day. Final drink.

Ok, not in particular order except for the last one.

I had to avoid people, places and things that made me want to drink.

I had to ask for help.

I had to go to lots of AA meetings.

I had to shut up for once, and listen.

I had to get humble (not humiliated, humble) and tell people at the meetings that I drank.
Honesty, no hiding, sneaking,

Allowed myself to eat whatever I wanted. I ate so much chocolate and cake and chips and pizza and cookies!

HALT, do not get hungry, angry, lonely, tired.*********very big help*********

I had to accept that the people who were saving my life were not my normal company. They were from all walks of life. The ones that really helped me out were tough characters.

I had to accept responsibility for buying alcohol. I said at that time, If God himself would have come down or an angel or something and met me at the off-licence and stopped me, that would be nice, but unlikely. Stop buying alcohol stupid!!!! That hurt.

I had to get on my knees and pray at night to say thanks and in the morning to ask for help. I am Catholic by upbringing, but honestly not religious. I just truly believe in a higher power. I think it is like different names around the world for the same supreme being.

I was not working. I was not able. I had savings and used them all to get this. I was desperate. I also knew I would not be good at my job. It would be unethical to work as effed-up as I was.

I slept when I could. I was told not to worry about sleep, no one dies from lack of sleep, I did sleep, just not much and not at night!

I went for long walks. Really long walks. No music, just nature, people etc.

I shared about my struggle only with AA people for the most part. No-one except another alcoholic/addict gets it. I tried a few times with my sister but she got mad at me when I drank, took it personal, tried to manage me.

There is more, but the last thing that got to me was that voice in my head telling me it was ok to drink. I figured that if someone came up and suggested hurting my niece or nephew, I would throw that person out of my house! No way! You are no friend of mine!!!! Then I would shut down the discussion. OVER! DONE! Why would I talk to this filthy creep? They lost their uncle to this. You are going to take me too? I don't think so, beat it. It was weird at first but I really stuck to it. OUT!!!!

The last thing was really this. I just had to go through the horrible, fearsome, withdrawal, the mental and physical STOPPING of drinking. I just had to! There is no way around it! Just through it. Embrace every minute of suffering anguish, because this was me getting better.

That is it, that is all I have.
Don't give up.
But suck up the discomfort. Amputate the drink out of your life. Beat it senseless!!
And then, hold on for the real hard stuff, life.
And, remember that 2 years I had before? Yea, don't ever get complacent.
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Old 05-09-2012, 06:35 PM
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Alot of good ES&H and suggestions already mentioned. I am so sorry you relpased...I understand as I am a re-tread also. Now I have been sober a little over 2 years...you can too....keep reading/posting...maybe consider additional tools to help you maintain your sobriety such as AA, AVRT or an Addiction Counselor.

Glad you are back to SR. Don't give up...you most certainly do deserve a life of recovery.
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Old 05-10-2012, 12:05 AM
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Hey there, SD!

Lots of great info and suggestions posted already. Just one other thing worth addressing: this whole "sorry for yet another worthless post" nonsense. This site was created for people who are struggling. It's great to see you back here. Your post is worth a lot to me.
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Old 05-10-2012, 12:14 AM
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All the best to you SD, I hope you make it.
This "worthless post" was actually great for me.
Hollyanne's reply was just what I needed to read.
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Old 05-10-2012, 01:43 AM
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Thanks for the post. I've found it really helpful as I've been trying to out-think my addiction too.

Good luck and hang in there!
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Old 05-10-2012, 01:54 AM
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You & me both! I wish I had an answer.
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Old 05-10-2012, 02:08 AM
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SD I think you are right about attempting to get sober via the cerebral approach. I tried it for years with varying degrees of success. It’s that approach characterized by the belief that staying sober is a matter of “will”, “mental attitude” and self-direction. I’m a reasonably smart guy and this basic method worked in every other area, so why not with alcohol? The weeks and occasional months I sometimes spend sober were just more evidence (to me) that I would eventually “get it” right. The only problem was I never did.

Finally some really nasty stuff started happening. It was like reality poked me in the eye and said “wake the f*ck up”! It got my attention. But I still didn’t “get it’.
Not right away at least. I needed more persuasion. It came in the form of still more failure. Binges happened in response to both good times and the occasional case of the “f*ck it’s”.

What I came to understand later was that there were times that a part of me that wanted to drink more than the part that did'nt . Ya, I could say I didn’t want to drink a thousand times a day, but there were times that that just was not true. And that was the truth of it. I finally needed to do what others had done and had success with. I had to do something that I really did not want to do. I was going to change ME via a method not of my own invention! And I hated to admit that!

If you need to come to these same conclusions, I hope you don’t spend as long as I did in reaching them.
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Old 05-10-2012, 02:26 AM
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Have another go and keep on posting. I look at the number of posts as well, not just the join date. SR has been such a big part of keeping me on track every day.

Look at Dee. I want to be around when he hits 50,000 posts !!! (Go Dee)
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Old 05-10-2012, 02:46 AM
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we deal with alcohol; cunning, baffling, and powerful. without help, it is too much for us. but there is one who has all power. that one is God. may you find him now! half measures availed us. we stood at the turning point. we asked hos care and protection with complete abandon.
here are the steps we took which are suggested as a program of recovery( in plain english):

1. Alcohol will kill me.
2. There's a power that wants me to live.
3. Do I want to live or die? (if you want to die, stop here)
4. Write about how I got to where I am.
5. Tell another person all about me (let God listen).
6. Want to change.
7. Ask a power greater than me to help me change.
8. Write down who I've hurt.
9. Fix what I can without hurting anyone else.
10. Accept that I'm human and will screw up. Fix it immediately.
11. Ask a power greater than me to show me how to live.
12. Keep doing 1 through 11 and pass it on.
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Old 05-10-2012, 07:15 AM
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Originally Posted by SDSurfn View Post
One of my problems is that I keep thinking that I can "think" my way out of this.
Quit thinking and quit drinking!
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Old 05-10-2012, 11:22 AM
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So SD, how are you feeling today?

I imagine you're at work. So far so good. But what about after that? You were in AA before as I recall, right? How about driving to a meeting after work? I remember so well the drive home, and the gravitational pull of the liquor store. I could go on and on about static time and the addictive voice and all these other Jedi mind tricks I use.... but in the beginning it came down to just making sure I went anywhere, did anything, except pick up another bottle.

Visualize waking up tomorrow morning: your eyes open. What do you want to feel at that moment? Not just physically, but emotionally... about yourself, about your life... That's what keeps me sober. I just want to wake up tomorrow feeling good, feeling hopeful. You can, too.
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Old 05-10-2012, 12:43 PM
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Our previous way of thinking....look at where it got us....for years. If we don't change us...god help us to where it would take us/did take us/is still taking some of us.

My "Jedi" mind trick that R&A speaks of? When I decided I was serious about no more drinking, I visually saw, felt, and believed that drinking was no longer part of my life. I still consciously say that to myself all the time (drinking is no longer part of my life), whether I'm feeling strong, weak, any time, every day.

One ladder rung at a time...if you build it, the light is there.
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