Thank you enormously for all of your best wishes and insights. As the truth unfolds, I see the line between reality and fantasy. Temporarily- fantasy is nice. Reality is tough. I don't like it. It hurts to face. But I will. I am with him at the moment- but I am behind a glass door. Everything that would otherwise be intimate in a healthy relationship is behind this glass door with our interactions. It seems this glass door is a scar of trauma. Why does it feel necessary to reopen or try to heal this wound with him?
When we are at a distance but communicating I am behind a closed door that is still unlocked. When will I be ready to not be tempted by the rabbit hole? When will I turn away from this door? Do I lock the door and build a wall over it? Or simply face the reality of where this door will lead? Although, it was helpful to see him in person and in reality to validate my gut. I am working toward trusting my intuition. I was honest with him last night about us and I can sense his fear. I can sense my fear. Heading back home today. So grateful for this recovery process. It may be fresh but it is all that gives me faith in my decision to move forward.