Thanks again, everyone. Many sentances posted rang loud.
I too felt like I was a more genuine, likable person when I was drinking.
Hit home, a bit differently. When I drink, the little amount I do, I know I become someone funner to be around.....except to my wife. So happier go lucky or not, more of a hit of the party or not.....the people who enjoy me more with a little buzz ARE NOT people that will be with me through thick or thin...so I can see now that that is but an excuse.
You see, when I admitted that I had no control over my drinking and finally got sober I was actually making myself stronger.
I understand and, after some soul searching, I agree. Its not shameful to have a problem, its shameful to not face it.....but, and please don't take this as agruementive, but a simple observation....I believe that this idea is one ONLY held by people with drinking problems. No one else will see that. I mean, how many people do you know that announce..."hi, Im a non drinking alcoholic"......I want to quit, but I also do not want to have to go through life hiding the fact that I have a habit...but, i realize this is something I have to come to terms with.
Tell me about it...I'm an alcoholic sousvide...I didn't even get the .1%...And I didn't deserve it....I butchered that marriage and took full responsibility for that. And it took me 10 more years of drinking after she left for me to give up..Admit I was beaten by alcohol and find a solution.
Im sorry for what you went through, and I am happy you overcame it. The thought of that happening to me scares me sheetless. My wife may be demanding, but like a demanding parent or educator, I USUALLY know its for my family's good.
But I can say that the role that drinking has in your life is not normal.
I know, I know......I know........Its useless trying to deny it. Again, even the little I do, its every day.......that CAN'T be normal....its NOT everyone else, its ME.
I had a distortion of reality that I wasn't aware of - a defensive nature.
YES, WAYNE, YES!! I am big time defensive....BUT, only around my WIFE, because she is, in reality, one of the FEW people I really admire and consider better than me in almost every way!!! So,I feel inferior around her, and with a few drinks, that inferiority complex bursts through!!! That is the reason why I AM nicer drunk around most people because I am COMFORTABLE with my position....In fact, when my life wasn't as solid, financially, I remember NOT being as nice......you're right, youre right.
I was a pain once i'd had a drink and could be plain rude to her. I went through the steps of only having a few beers and being extra nice just so that I could continue drinking.
Alfie....THATS me, exactly, right now. My wife has been thrilled with me these past few weeks, again, becasue I think SHE thinks I quit, so I try EXTRA hard to be jovial, to do things around the house.....but, honestly, its just so I can SHOW HER and ME, that its NOT the booze, that I CAN do both..........but....how long can that go on??
The worst feeling in the world was waking up the next morning while the wife was asleep knowing I'd really upset her but remembering no more than that.
OMG.....I can not TELL you how often that has happened. Or wondering IF i did anything wrong....cause I can't remember. ANd, honestly, please believe me...THIS has happened EVEN with as few as 3 or 4 drinks......I must admit THAT scares me a lot. ANd congrats on that long of an abstinence......I would LOVE to get that far...
It is pretty sad when all your wife wants you to do...Is stop drinking.
Youre right....it IS. Its THAT important to me....I really am pathetic. All the other demands she made on me, ones that were 1000 times more involved and unlikely, I met...and this.....this is killing me.
I can remember it being such a great divide between us I almost started hating him for being at home cuz I wanted my fix in private.
Oh yeah......opening the garage door and hoping her car wasnt there, just so I can catch a quick buzz and be "ready" for when she got home....time and time again. Sheez....the likeness is incredible.
Thanks again for all the responses, I could use HUNDREDS right now.....I'll get off now and try to find the BIG BOOK online and start reading it. But, I do have one last question...and I hope NOONE takes this negatively, but its a question I have USED as an excuse not to stop, so here it is:
WHY all the negative reports about AA? The negative websites, the angry stories?? Is it not for everyone?? I am NOT saying i am gonna run to a meeting, but I DON'T want to completely rule this out.....honestly, I am a little worried what my wife would THINK, not SAY, but think. I believe she would SAY "GOOD', but, deep down, is it possible she will look at me NEGATIVELY? Like, if I just quit, that would be great, but IF I made my dependancy PUBLIC, will she be ASHAMED of me??? I know only I can answer that, but that thought RAKES over my mind quite frequently.
Well, thanks again to all, I am touched by the concern and grateful for the advice.