Hi, Im new here....question?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 14
Hi, Im new here....question?
Hi
I don't want to take up a lot of your time, so I will try and make this short and concise.
THank you for having me.
My problem is this. My wife and I are in counseling. When asked what each of us would like from the other, my wife said that she would like me to stop drinking. THe reason given was that when I drink, I get mean....meaning....loud, agrumentive, opinionated, basically not fun to be around.
My side? Well, if there is one thing I admit, is that drinking knocks down my emotional blinds. In otherwords, I am less able to be phoney. If I am around a person that i have troubles with, I am more likely to show my true feelings. Now, I love my wife, but when I drink, I tend to let my frustration at marital troubles show. Around MOST people however, I am happier, more talkable when I drink.
I drink just about every day. ANd its ALMOST always the same. A beer and two shots. Every day......or most every day. Never more, never less...unless its a party, etc. Never been hauled in for DWI (which I am lucky for, cause up to 4 years ago, I drank much more) never lost a job over it, etc.
I told my wife that I would think about it. THat was two weeks ago. I have continued with my regular drinking, but I watch myself around her. No arguments, helpful around the house, no dark cloud personality.....and, while she hasn't asked, I think she thinks I've stopped drinking. But, I've simply promised myself that I would try and be NICER to her, not bombard her with "why we can't be happy" questions and doom and gloom stuff.
To tell you the truth, I don't want to stop. I would feel that it would be just another weakness I have (please, no offense meant) and it wasn't me drinking, but me simply being a jerk.
But, its what my wife wants. Im afraid if I promise here that I will stop, I won't be able to......while I question my alcoholism, I DO admit it is a habit at this point. THe high is a feeling I am used to. I work. I get home. I catch a buzz.....signifying to me that the day of work is over. I don't know if I can really feel "relaxed" without it.......
What should I do? I realize that my wife has asked something of me, and as a good husband, that is the least I should do. As I write this I have this feeling that yeah, maybe I am a drunk....maybe I don't drink a ton, but it has gotten to be a habit, and that is alcoholism, no? Well thanks, Im gonna cut it short cause I promised. I would appreciate any help.
PS: I don't know if this helps, but she comes from a family where the drinking is really weird. Her father and brothers can go ALL WEEK, OR WEEKS, OR A MONTH OR MORE, without drinking a drop.....but when the occasion arises where they go out to a bar with friends, or a wedding, or party....FORGET ABOUT IT......they drink till they are a mess. So, it other words, once they pick up ONE, there is no stopping them, it usually gets ugly in one way or another....but then they don't drink for months!! THis drinking problem stuff is so complicated.
I don't want to take up a lot of your time, so I will try and make this short and concise.
THank you for having me.
My problem is this. My wife and I are in counseling. When asked what each of us would like from the other, my wife said that she would like me to stop drinking. THe reason given was that when I drink, I get mean....meaning....loud, agrumentive, opinionated, basically not fun to be around.
My side? Well, if there is one thing I admit, is that drinking knocks down my emotional blinds. In otherwords, I am less able to be phoney. If I am around a person that i have troubles with, I am more likely to show my true feelings. Now, I love my wife, but when I drink, I tend to let my frustration at marital troubles show. Around MOST people however, I am happier, more talkable when I drink.
I drink just about every day. ANd its ALMOST always the same. A beer and two shots. Every day......or most every day. Never more, never less...unless its a party, etc. Never been hauled in for DWI (which I am lucky for, cause up to 4 years ago, I drank much more) never lost a job over it, etc.
I told my wife that I would think about it. THat was two weeks ago. I have continued with my regular drinking, but I watch myself around her. No arguments, helpful around the house, no dark cloud personality.....and, while she hasn't asked, I think she thinks I've stopped drinking. But, I've simply promised myself that I would try and be NICER to her, not bombard her with "why we can't be happy" questions and doom and gloom stuff.
To tell you the truth, I don't want to stop. I would feel that it would be just another weakness I have (please, no offense meant) and it wasn't me drinking, but me simply being a jerk.
But, its what my wife wants. Im afraid if I promise here that I will stop, I won't be able to......while I question my alcoholism, I DO admit it is a habit at this point. THe high is a feeling I am used to. I work. I get home. I catch a buzz.....signifying to me that the day of work is over. I don't know if I can really feel "relaxed" without it.......
What should I do? I realize that my wife has asked something of me, and as a good husband, that is the least I should do. As I write this I have this feeling that yeah, maybe I am a drunk....maybe I don't drink a ton, but it has gotten to be a habit, and that is alcoholism, no? Well thanks, Im gonna cut it short cause I promised. I would appreciate any help.
PS: I don't know if this helps, but she comes from a family where the drinking is really weird. Her father and brothers can go ALL WEEK, OR WEEKS, OR A MONTH OR MORE, without drinking a drop.....but when the occasion arises where they go out to a bar with friends, or a wedding, or party....FORGET ABOUT IT......they drink till they are a mess. So, it other words, once they pick up ONE, there is no stopping them, it usually gets ugly in one way or another....but then they don't drink for months!! THis drinking problem stuff is so complicated.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
Hi and Welcome,
I agree that stopping drinking for your wife because she asked you to will likely not work. You would need to want to do it for yourself. It's hard, it involves a lot of change, and it takes motivation.
However, if your wife asked you to change one thing, and that one thing is drinking, then I think it must be very important to her and to the relationship. And, it sounds like you are hiding your drinking from your wife now, so she doesn't notice it. Hiding drinking is a red flag for alcoholism.
So, take a look around here and maybe you will be inspired.
I agree that stopping drinking for your wife because she asked you to will likely not work. You would need to want to do it for yourself. It's hard, it involves a lot of change, and it takes motivation.
However, if your wife asked you to change one thing, and that one thing is drinking, then I think it must be very important to her and to the relationship. And, it sounds like you are hiding your drinking from your wife now, so she doesn't notice it. Hiding drinking is a red flag for alcoholism.
So, take a look around here and maybe you will be inspired.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Near Scranton PA
Posts: 424
SOunds like you're concerned, not just about your wife's reaction to your drinking but about the drinking itself, which is a good thing. If you're afraid you can't put it down, even after you promise to, well...that might be a pretty good indication you have a problem.
Hang around and read what folks are posting.
I am an alcoholic. No doubt in my mind. And, like yourself, I never lost a job, got a DUI and was able to stay married but I did a LOT of damage to myself and the people I love.
You'll make up your mind one way or the other.
Best wishes.
Hang around and read what folks are posting.
I am an alcoholic. No doubt in my mind. And, like yourself, I never lost a job, got a DUI and was able to stay married but I did a LOT of damage to myself and the people I love.
You'll make up your mind one way or the other.
Best wishes.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by sousvide 
THis drinking problem stuff is so complicated.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Hi and welcome to SR. This is a great place to let off steam, confide and find tons of support.
I agree with what's been said so far. I wandered onto this site quite by chance. I questioned my drinking though really didn't know if I was an alcoholic. After all, I had my marriage, career, and kids. I'd never had it as tough as some of the folks on here. Yet, I had a niggling feeling that there was more going on for me. I drank daily, was a depressed, needy and anxious drunk, but never unpleasant to those around me.
I read what others wrote-some of it fitted. I started going to AA meetings, some of that rang alarm bells for me too. When I stopped drinking, I found it hard. That proved it to me, I am an alcoholic.
Weeks down the line, I am starting to feel strong and clear headed. I no longer need to drink to relax or sleep.
Sober life is great.
Keep posting, keep listening and don't be afraid to share.
There is a ton load of wisdom shared on these pages. Good luck x
I agree with what's been said so far. I wandered onto this site quite by chance. I questioned my drinking though really didn't know if I was an alcoholic. After all, I had my marriage, career, and kids. I'd never had it as tough as some of the folks on here. Yet, I had a niggling feeling that there was more going on for me. I drank daily, was a depressed, needy and anxious drunk, but never unpleasant to those around me.
I read what others wrote-some of it fitted. I started going to AA meetings, some of that rang alarm bells for me too. When I stopped drinking, I found it hard. That proved it to me, I am an alcoholic.
Weeks down the line, I am starting to feel strong and clear headed. I no longer need to drink to relax or sleep.
Sober life is great.
Keep posting, keep listening and don't be afraid to share.
There is a ton load of wisdom shared on these pages. Good luck x
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
I used to have a partner who I could tell if they had even a sip of drink, even over the phone. They changed immediately and became mean. I don't think any of us really know how we are drunk. Maybe if we could have recorded it and watched it back it may make us confront how much was the drink and how much was us, or at least the perception we want people to have of us.
I'm a little concerned that your wife 'thinks' you may have given up but in reality you haven't. I don't recommend going down the hiding it route. I did that for a few years and the guilt was unbearable.
And as far as weakness goes. I totally understand why you would think that because I did too. I thought if I couldn't control it myself then that was a weakness. Turns out that the strong thing to do is to admit when you have a problem, get the help you need and turn your life around.
One of the best things I learnt being here is that you don't have to drink everyday. Sounds obvious I know but I was surprised when I realised that that had never crossed my mind before.
Don't worry about if you are an alcoholic or not, just think about what effect it is having on your life. And if you find it hard to give up then don't worry, you are in the best place for support on that front. x
I'm a little concerned that your wife 'thinks' you may have given up but in reality you haven't. I don't recommend going down the hiding it route. I did that for a few years and the guilt was unbearable.
And as far as weakness goes. I totally understand why you would think that because I did too. I thought if I couldn't control it myself then that was a weakness. Turns out that the strong thing to do is to admit when you have a problem, get the help you need and turn your life around.
One of the best things I learnt being here is that you don't have to drink everyday. Sounds obvious I know but I was surprised when I realised that that had never crossed my mind before.
Don't worry about if you are an alcoholic or not, just think about what effect it is having on your life. And if you find it hard to give up then don't worry, you are in the best place for support on that front.
x
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: virgin islands
Posts: 145
Only you can decide if you need to stop drinking.
One beer and 2 shots, well that would just be a warm up for my kind of drinking. On a daily basis this does indicate a habit (or addiction if that is not too strong of a word), but while I can't condone it, I personally don't see it as excessive as based on my past.
I didn't quit drinking because my wife wanted me too. Sure, her happiness is very important to me and I know that my drinking to excess was causing her pain. But it was not her decision - It had to be mine.
One beer and 2 shots, well that would just be a warm up for my kind of drinking. On a daily basis this does indicate a habit (or addiction if that is not too strong of a word), but while I can't condone it, I personally don't see it as excessive as based on my past.
I didn't quit drinking because my wife wanted me too. Sure, her happiness is very important to me and I know that my drinking to excess was causing her pain. But it was not her decision - It had to be mine.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 164
I initially quit for my wife, and soon after being sober I realized I was quitting for myself. I really needed her to let me know how much of a hold alcohol had over my life. I don't think without her, I would have realized how much I was hurting myself and my family. Odds are if your wife is asking you to quit, its a problem. Talk to her, listen to what she has to say and respect her words. She may just save your life.
DOS: 11/6/10
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Florida Panhandle, USA
Posts: 736
An addiction is almost never rooted in an amount or quantity. If we did it by that measure, I'd be off scot-free! If we did it by the "nevers" (never got a DUI, never lost ect), I'd still be good to go! And yet, I was getting ready to lose a lot more than I even knew about.
Hiding your drinking (for any purpose, even if you say it's a "test") is a pretty clear cut sign, as is your discomfort in giving up drinking. If there weren't a problem, wouldn't you just be able to go, "ok, booze is gone, Honey, I love you!"...
There are many online tests and surveys that can help point you in the right direction. I can only offer my personal experiences and wish you the best.
Hiding your drinking (for any purpose, even if you say it's a "test") is a pretty clear cut sign, as is your discomfort in giving up drinking. If there weren't a problem, wouldn't you just be able to go, "ok, booze is gone, Honey, I love you!"...
There are many online tests and surveys that can help point you in the right direction. I can only offer my personal experiences and wish you the best.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by sousvide
To tell you the truth, I don't want to stop.
By the way, what did you say was the one thing you would like from your wife?
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
My husband made my drinking an issue of contention when we first went to counseling. I knew at that time (years before I got sober) that it was a problem, not only for him. I felt protective of it in some sick way.. rationalized it.. bargained (ok I'll only drink x many days a week. I'll stop with the hard stuff), whatever I could do to keep drinking. I fired back with listing every fault I felt HE had in defense of myself. None of it was going to get resolved that way.
Long story short, I got sober after letting myself go so far down the alcoholism path that there was NO doubt in my mind that continuing drinking was only going to negatively affect my life, there weren't any positives left. So, I got sober, my entire life changed (because I made the effort to change it!), my marriage has never been stronger, my insides are happier, etc..
You don't want to quit. Until you do, there's nothing that will bring you to that decision. What would your wife's response be if you simply let her know that this is what you plan to continue doing for as long as you feel like doing it?
I'm curious too.. what did you say you would like from her?
Long story short, I got sober after letting myself go so far down the alcoholism path that there was NO doubt in my mind that continuing drinking was only going to negatively affect my life, there weren't any positives left. So, I got sober, my entire life changed (because I made the effort to change it!), my marriage has never been stronger, my insides are happier, etc..
You don't want to quit. Until you do, there's nothing that will bring you to that decision. What would your wife's response be if you simply let her know that this is what you plan to continue doing for as long as you feel like doing it?
I'm curious too.. what did you say you would like from her?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 14
Hey, thank you for all the responses.
What did I ask from her? I asked her to meet me somewhere down the blame line. She has a difficult time admitting to any wrongdoings....nothing big, but things she may have done to make our marriage more difficult. Stubborness, constant worrying and pointing out that we were "behind", financially in saving for the future, lack of loving behavior (you know, a gentle touch, interest in some of my interests, things like that) If I accept her contention that the bad stuff in our marriage is 100% my fault, i think it would finally shut me down....cause I've never considered myself the bad person she says I am. I more than willing to accept the MAJORITY of the blame, being a "black cloud", unable to provide for my family the way she was used to, not being sociable (insecure to be around others that had more "stuff" because the husband was a better provider), but being ALL of the blame.....whew, thats too much for me.
Our financial situation has changed drastically. My searching for my own business that could provide has come true.....for about 4 years now, so that aspect is much, much better.....but INSIDE, my depression, like my drinking, I believe, has become a HABIT. I was SO stressed out for so long, that THAT is how I find myself behaving even now. SOmedays, the ONLY time I am happy is when I have three drinks worth of a buzz.
My wife DID accept some blame. She admitted that I was 99.9% of the blame, and she was .1%.....so, it's tough. ANd, I admit, while, when I was younger, I could drink and still be productive, NOW, when I drink, Im done for the day. I have no drive to do anything but socialize with my wife, eat, read or watch TV. THAT is bothersome to me because that is 3 or 4 hours I can be hitting the web, or reading up on things that could make my business more prosperous, because even with the huge jump in income, my wife is STILL very concerned about our finances......since we started so late in saving, etc.
Well, thanks again. Really, there is SO MUCH i could write, but I don't want to hog up all this bandwidth. I guess that quitting is better for me. No, I don't drink much, no, my behavior has improved while under the influence, but I just have to figure out how to SUBSTITUTE other things for the happy feeling I get, the relief I get, from those drinks every night. I guess I need to read how you guys did it and find something that would work for me.
PS ANd while I DID NOT tell her I've stopped drinking, I AM sneaking it and it IS a drag.
What did I ask from her? I asked her to meet me somewhere down the blame line. She has a difficult time admitting to any wrongdoings....nothing big, but things she may have done to make our marriage more difficult. Stubborness, constant worrying and pointing out that we were "behind", financially in saving for the future, lack of loving behavior (you know, a gentle touch, interest in some of my interests, things like that) If I accept her contention that the bad stuff in our marriage is 100% my fault, i think it would finally shut me down....cause I've never considered myself the bad person she says I am. I more than willing to accept the MAJORITY of the blame, being a "black cloud", unable to provide for my family the way she was used to, not being sociable (insecure to be around others that had more "stuff" because the husband was a better provider), but being ALL of the blame.....whew, thats too much for me.
Our financial situation has changed drastically. My searching for my own business that could provide has come true.....for about 4 years now, so that aspect is much, much better.....but INSIDE, my depression, like my drinking, I believe, has become a HABIT. I was SO stressed out for so long, that THAT is how I find myself behaving even now. SOmedays, the ONLY time I am happy is when I have three drinks worth of a buzz.
My wife DID accept some blame. She admitted that I was 99.9% of the blame, and she was .1%.....so, it's tough. ANd, I admit, while, when I was younger, I could drink and still be productive, NOW, when I drink, Im done for the day. I have no drive to do anything but socialize with my wife, eat, read or watch TV. THAT is bothersome to me because that is 3 or 4 hours I can be hitting the web, or reading up on things that could make my business more prosperous, because even with the huge jump in income, my wife is STILL very concerned about our finances......since we started so late in saving, etc.
Well, thanks again. Really, there is SO MUCH i could write, but I don't want to hog up all this bandwidth. I guess that quitting is better for me. No, I don't drink much, no, my behavior has improved while under the influence, but I just have to figure out how to SUBSTITUTE other things for the happy feeling I get, the relief I get, from those drinks every night. I guess I need to read how you guys did it and find something that would work for me.
PS ANd while I DID NOT tell her I've stopped drinking, I AM sneaking it and it IS a drag.
I'm here to learn!
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: I'm on it!
Posts: 2,038
Hi and welcome to SR! There's a lot of great stuff in your post that I could reply to, but I'm just going to pick out a few things:
I too felt like I was a more genuine, likable person when I was drinking. I felt it helped me come out of my shell. The truth is I wasn't likable when I was drinking, I just thought I was. Instead I was obnoxious, confrontational and occasionally embarrassing to be around. You see, booze is great at warping your perspective. When I was wrapped up in my addiction I had a delusional, inaccurate view of reality. The same principal applies to what you said about viewing admitting to your addiction as admitting weakness. You see, when I admitted that I had no control over my drinking and finally got sober I was actually making myself stronger. No offense, but I now realize that it's the people who aren't willing to own up to their addictions and overcome them that are dealing with a weakness. I admitted my faults and overcame that weakness.
I understand not wanting to quit, but you may find out that even if you don't want to quit that you might have to if you want to save your marriage. So stick around and do some reading, see if anything here resonates with you, and make the decision if you want to pursue sobriety or not.
Good luck!
I too felt like I was a more genuine, likable person when I was drinking. I felt it helped me come out of my shell. The truth is I wasn't likable when I was drinking, I just thought I was. Instead I was obnoxious, confrontational and occasionally embarrassing to be around. You see, booze is great at warping your perspective. When I was wrapped up in my addiction I had a delusional, inaccurate view of reality. The same principal applies to what you said about viewing admitting to your addiction as admitting weakness. You see, when I admitted that I had no control over my drinking and finally got sober I was actually making myself stronger. No offense, but I now realize that it's the people who aren't willing to own up to their addictions and overcome them that are dealing with a weakness. I admitted my faults and overcame that weakness.
I understand not wanting to quit, but you may find out that even if you don't want to quit that you might have to if you want to save your marriage. So stick around and do some reading, see if anything here resonates with you, and make the decision if you want to pursue sobriety or not.
Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by sousvide
My wife DID accept some blame. She admitted that I was 99.9% of the blame, and she was .1%.....so, it's tough.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by sousvide
I guess I need to read how you guys did it and find something that would work for me.
I can't say if you are an alcoholic, if you are just dependent on alcohol, or if you just abuse it. You get to make the final call on that. But I can say that the role that drinking has in your life is not normal.
Do you know a non-drinker? or someone who drinks socially and has no problems resulting from their drinking? Your wife perhaps? Imagine what someone who could take or leave alcohol with no problem would view your relationship with drink. These have been culled from your two posts:
- drinking knocks down my emotional blinds.
- when I drink, I tend to let my frustration at marital troubles show
- I am happier, more talkable when I drink
- I drink just about every day
- while I question my alcoholism, I DO admit it is a habit at this point.
- I catch a buzz.....signifying to me that the day of work is over
- I don't know if I can really feel "relaxed" without it.......
- maybe I am a drunk....
- maybe I don't drink a ton, but it has gotten to be a habit
- have to figure out how to SUBSTITUTE other things for the happy feeling I get, the relief I get, from those drinks every night.
- when I drink, I'm done for the day.
- I AM sneaking it
Sousvide, objectively, what does this say about you and alcohol? Is it normal?
If you aren't an alcoholic (and I pray you aren't), you could be heading in that direction because obviously drinking does something for you. Most of us here drank because we got something out of it. But at some point the alcohol starting taking something out of us. Our health. Our happiness. Recovery, for me, was finding I can quit drinking and fill that void with the blessings that life gives me.
Hoping you the same.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: US
Posts: 55
Hi Sousvide, and welcome. I also found myself getting agitated and not fun to be around especially with my wife in the last few years of my drinking career. For years I didn't have that problem but it just sort of snuck into my drinking personality. And got uglier. I bombarded with doom and gloom too. Things were getting worse and worse with my wife.
I have only stopped drinking for a few months but I can see a few things: yes, she was not perfect as no one is and surely had a hand in some of the fights, but I am starting to see only after these few months that I had a distortion of reality that I wasn't aware of - a defensive nature. I said things that I shouldn't have. And those things stuck with her more than I was aware of, and so I created a second impediment I wasn't fully comprehending the impact of. Even when I was sober and saying good stuff she wasn't buying it.
We are getting along so much better now and the biggest variable has been me stopping drinking, so I have to deduce... Could things be better, more affectionate, etc? Yes, but I think most relationships have those things with and without alcohol, at least now they aren't handled with the subtlety of sludgehammer. And affection and trust are building. Not saying that is you but it was me, in case that helps.
I also found myself in counseling with my wife bringing up my drinking, and it wasn't a comfortable place to be. That was a sign for me. (Though not the last.) I was playing defense all the time and had lost the power to pick us up out of the muck of a bad situation. I am feeling better about my abilities lately now that I haven't been drinking, and just saying, it hasn't been pefect but it has been better.
Good luck to you.
I have only stopped drinking for a few months but I can see a few things: yes, she was not perfect as no one is and surely had a hand in some of the fights, but I am starting to see only after these few months that I had a distortion of reality that I wasn't aware of - a defensive nature. I said things that I shouldn't have. And those things stuck with her more than I was aware of, and so I created a second impediment I wasn't fully comprehending the impact of. Even when I was sober and saying good stuff she wasn't buying it.
We are getting along so much better now and the biggest variable has been me stopping drinking, so I have to deduce... Could things be better, more affectionate, etc? Yes, but I think most relationships have those things with and without alcohol, at least now they aren't handled with the subtlety of sludgehammer. And affection and trust are building. Not saying that is you but it was me, in case that helps.
I also found myself in counseling with my wife bringing up my drinking, and it wasn't a comfortable place to be. That was a sign for me. (Though not the last.) I was playing defense all the time and had lost the power to pick us up out of the muck of a bad situation. I am feeling better about my abilities lately now that I haven't been drinking, and just saying, it hasn't been pefect but it has been better.
Good luck to you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: London
Posts: 38
Hello and welcome to the site,
I can sort of relate. I'v been through this countless times with my wife. I was a pain once i'd had a drink and could be plain rude to her. I went through the steps of only having a few beers and being extra nice just so that I could continue drinking. And of course there would still be countless times I would drink too much and upset her again.
The worst feeling in the world was waking up the next morning while the wife was asleep knowing I'd really upset her but remembering no more than that.
She has only ever asked one thing of me. And that is to stop drinking for both our sakes.
I'm 7 weeks sober this Sunday and things are going great.
If your wife feels your drinking is causing problems, I would say you need to stop. I'd rather spend my life with my wife than alone aand at the bottom of a bottle wondering where it all went wrong.
And in my opinion counting the number of drinks you limit yourself too is highlighting a drink problem. I used to say to my wife 'I'll only have the 4 cans tonight, things will be fine' Then things creep back up to 6 or 7 a night.
I wish you well and it's a great move joining this site
I can sort of relate. I'v been through this countless times with my wife. I was a pain once i'd had a drink and could be plain rude to her. I went through the steps of only having a few beers and being extra nice just so that I could continue drinking. And of course there would still be countless times I would drink too much and upset her again.
The worst feeling in the world was waking up the next morning while the wife was asleep knowing I'd really upset her but remembering no more than that.
She has only ever asked one thing of me. And that is to stop drinking for both our sakes.
I'm 7 weeks sober this Sunday and things are going great.
If your wife feels your drinking is causing problems, I would say you need to stop. I'd rather spend my life with my wife than alone aand at the bottom of a bottle wondering where it all went wrong.
And in my opinion counting the number of drinks you limit yourself too is highlighting a drink problem. I used to say to my wife 'I'll only have the 4 cans tonight, things will be fine' Then things creep back up to 6 or 7 a night.
I wish you well and it's a great move joining this site
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Good for you Alfie....Congrats on 7 weeks. I quit too as an ultimatum from my wife...I made it 10 months....I tried it on my own....It was like torture and I didn't make it...I was more miserable than when I drank. Working the program of AA taught me how to live life on life's terms...And be happy.....It was a little late for that marriage...She was already gone....But it changed my life. Use whatever tools you can get to save your marriage...It is pretty sad when all your wife wants you to do...Is stop drinking. Been there and done that.
*Grateful*
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Midwest
Posts: 2,619
Souvside,
You are right about drinking being complex. Lets see...I too hid my drinking from my husband. I can remember it being such a great divide between us I almost started hating him for being at home cuz I wanted my fix in private. As far as it changing my personality that part of alcoholism is so hideous. What I have learned in my sobriety is I am much more direct and honest with others and it doesn't matter anymore who likes me anymore...so I don't have to try to "sell myself" to others cuz my self worth comes from within and from God.
Believe you me...I always thought I needed validation from others...but when put down the alcohol and start reading the Big Book and working through the steps everything changes for the better. You really start liking yourself!
Lily
You are right about drinking being complex. Lets see...I too hid my drinking from my husband. I can remember it being such a great divide between us I almost started hating him for being at home cuz I wanted my fix in private. As far as it changing my personality that part of alcoholism is so hideous. What I have learned in my sobriety is I am much more direct and honest with others and it doesn't matter anymore who likes me anymore...so I don't have to try to "sell myself" to others cuz my self worth comes from within and from God.
Believe you me...I always thought I needed validation from others...but when put down the alcohol and start reading the Big Book and working through the steps everything changes for the better. You really start liking yourself!
Lily
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