I've been getting extremely agitated & frustrated lately & thought of hitting the bar for an evening crossed my mind. I don't ever plan on just having 2 nice drinks with a meal. I always have relapsed with the idea that I would get extremely drunk for 1 night (no drugs) & then return to AA and not tell anyone. What happens though is that I go on a 2-5 day booze bender & end up smoking cocaine. Thats when I will not stop until I'm either in the hospital or end up in jail. I had to take one of my "emergency" ativans yesterday & that calmed me down enough that I did not end up running to the neighborhood bar. I've been sober since Sept. and sometimes think, "why bother with sobriety, it's not worth it."
