Justfor1

I've been getting extremely agitated & frustrated lately & thought of hitting the bar for an evening crossed my mind. I don't ever plan on just having 2 nice drinks with a meal. I always have relapsed with the idea that I would get extremely drunk for 1 night (no drugs) & then return to AA and not tell anyone. What happens though is that I go on a 2-5 day booze bender & end up smoking cocaine. Thats when I will not stop until I'm either in the hospital or end up in jail. I had to take one of my "emergency" ativans yesterday & that calmed me down enough that I did not end up running to the neighborhood bar. I've been sober since Sept. and sometimes think, "why bother with sobriety, it's not worth it."

ReadyAndAble

Looks like you have your answer right there. Plus, you've come so far. Those urges don't last, and they do diminish in intensity overtime. Do you have a sponsor to call? Meeting to get to? Maybe talking to some folks face to face about it would help.

Also, I would suggest you think in terms of you vs. your addiction. You don't want to drink at all, ever again—and with good reason. Your addiction is trying to convince you otherwise. It is telling you, "Why bother, it's not worth it". But too bad for it, because you know better. It gets weaker, and you get stronger. You are in control—and you never have to give that up again.

Hang in there, Justfor1.

Davestwincam

Wow, you've been sober for 7 months and you want to throw that away on a bender? Don't do it, you will regret it. I'm only on day 17 and I understand the urge to tie one on, but I know I'll hate starting over again.

Dee74

I used to think that too J41 - 'just one night - I'll blow the cobwebs out then go back to not drinking'.

It never works like that - add alcohol to me and I go insane.
I think you're the same man...

My last 'just one night' lasted 2 years.
You know what your old life was like - theres nothing good there for you - whatever the answers are for you they're up ahead J41...not behind you

scrambled2012

I've been getting extremely agitated & frustrated lately & thought of hitting the bar for an evening crossed my mind.

When I reported something similar, an insight was shared with me that this thought might have to do with what was going on in my life, in terms of control and personal freedom....that lack of it, or perhaps fear of it, was leading to a thought that substitutes for it. Something along those lines.

It may be worthwhile for you to consider whats going on in your life, and what you can work on or change in regards to your surroundings, relationships, or activities, that might address unfullfilled needs or reduce your fustration.

One thing is for sure, and that is that relaps will only make all your frustrations, everything you might be angry or uipset about, a lot worse. Good job staying on track and posting instead of hitting the bar--you did the right thing. Stay with it.

NYYankee76

I can totally relate. I too am one of those that will drink 'til I am dead or in jail. I've been seriously frustrated and irritated with everyone and everything the last few days. And all I want to do is go to my bar & have a beer and a shot. I like to think that will make my headache and lack of sleep go away but I know that's only a temporary fix and the headache I would wake up with tomorrow would be 10x worse. Stay strong... it takes a stronger person to stand up to their addictions than to give in to them!

Dee74

Welcome to SR NYYankee

D

sugarbear1

Work those steps again. Or for the first time.

Sobriety IS worth it. Life happens, no matter how we act or react.

Stay strong, call someone, go help someone else, it DOES work if you put effort in to it.

Justfor1

Thanx Dee. I guess you understand then. It's been a while since I had a real desire to pick up the bottle. Then I'll start using cocaine & won't sleep so I can drink more. I usually resorted to pawning my things for cocaine. Then I'm filled with remorse, shame ect... It's a cycle that I don't want to repeat. It's a cycle I've been doing for 8 years.

Dee74

I hope you can work on that agitation and frustration, man

D

BASEjumper

Don't go back there JF1, I'm pulling for you

least

Please don't drink. You know it'll just make things worse. You could find yourself in the hospital, in jail... or in the morgue.

waw545

We will beat ourselves up so bad sometimes that we think we have to have a drink. Ive pasted through that stage of recovery I would call my sponsor 2 or 3 times a day and if he was not there I would leave a voice mail made me feel better just talking to the voice mail. I no y'all think i am a nut case but we are walking miracles to even be alive so hang on it will get better one day at a time.

DayTrader

Nice post Just.

I don't know if you have or read the 24hr book but there was a reading for yesterday, maybe the day before, that talked about honesty and how "our secrets" can lead to big trouble.

When I was in my first year or so I'd go to tables and it seemed everyone was saying they never thought about alcohol at all, never thought about drinking, everything was perfect, bla bla bla. I'd look at my reality and it was better...but I still thought about drinking from time to time, I still thought about hitting the club and doing drugs, I had all sorts of "not good" thoughts in my head. They weren't overpowering but they were there and I felt I HAD to be doing something wrong in recovery.

Keep posting when that happens. Preferably, talk to your sponsor or some trusted AA friends / recovery friends. Be careful though, putting that out at tables. If you do, you open yourself up to ALL SORTS of advice and some of it will be rubbish - Been there, did that, got the t-shirt.

I've got a dozen or so recovery friends that know just about all of my s-h-i-t. When some odd-ball thoughts are running through my head...I tell those folks (or some of them). I've learned not to mess around with keeping those things bottled up...too dangerous.

I look at thoughts like that as part of the "insanity" of the mental obsession....thus, when they pop up, it's a good time to look at my second step.

Terminally Unique

Yup, seen that too. They lie, and I used to tell them so. They all know perfectly well that they are visited by the addictive voice every now and again, even years or decades later. Gotta wonder why they think that no one else knows this, though.

Zebra1275

What happens though is that I go on a 2-5 day booze bender & end up smoking cocaine.

Thats when I will not stop until I'm either in the hospital or end up in jail.

Another scenario comes to mind . . . ever hear of Whitney Houston?