I kept going back for more too....I know that I was addicted to the drama/intensity of it all. Even as I write this I still feel the pull towards a relationship that almost destroyed me.
Anvil summed it up well - it's the same justifications/rationalizations as if I were going to use a drug. "maybe this time I'll figure out a way to use successfully"....."just a taste in a controlled circumstance won't be a problem".
My experience was that I wasn't done until I was done - until I played the tape all of the way out. And my addiction to my ex husband destroyed as much of my life as his addiction destroyed his.
I understand how hard it is to resist the desire to reconnect and be together "just one more time". But all it does is feed your addictions. There is going to be a detox time when you stop using (and yes...I'm talking about our addictions/interactions with other people). It can be physically painful and excruciating....and so difficult to resist.
But going back for more is just going back for more of the same. I literally have to envision myself chosing to walk down a different road instead of trying to avoid the pitfalls in the road I WANT to walk down. I've never not walked down the old road and made it to the other side intact.......
Getting use to a life without strife and drama takes time. It's easy for things to seem boring and lifeless after being in the turmoil of an abusive relationship (emotional abuse is just as damaging as physical).
The wonderful thing about recovery is that there is always a place to come when you are ready for it. It's not easy and it can hurt like hell....but there is the joy that is on the other side.
Thinking about you....I've been in similar shoes and understand.