Lesliej- I have not been on SR for about 2 weeks now and just 2 Al-anon meetings in that time and 1 counseling session. Thank you for this insight. My last post was telling. I fell into the loneliness and then I was given a "way out" with this ticket to go see him. There is a part of me that wants to see this as a test.
What would I hope to see?
Change in me and the way I react to him. That my feelings for him may have changed and that the mystery of him is not so mysterious anymore. That there is love and that I can let go by seeing the truth with my own eyes. But I already know the truth.
What would I expect to see?
First an outpouring of emotion and love and maybe some drama. Without a doubt an argument when he and I realize there is little trust. And then I come home knowing that the distance between us will continue to grow. Feeling temporarily fulfilled with love and affection that is fleeting and cannot be sustained because of addiction.
Freedom1990- He never physically abused me. Emotional abuse- plenty.
English Garden- the unprotected sex reminder set off more alarm bells. This is probably the most important reminder. Physical intimacy will only deepen my emotional attachment to something unattainable- a fantasy. That being said- it is inevitable if I proceed. I need protection on every level.
The guilt is that he helped with the plane ticket and is expecting me tomorrow. I have not made up my mind about seeing him or not. I have family there and I could go to some meetings. I could also get yet another wake up call out of this and have enough in my face to shut AND lock the door and lose the keys. I have taken many steps toward letting go. It feels like 2 steps forward and 1 step back. This one might set me back farther or create room for immense growth.
I guess I am not good with not knowing.
Outtolunch- what is that I want that I control? Do you mean by continuing with this relationship and going to see him? Huh? I am not entirely sure. I have to dig to find that answer. Love? Validation? Affection? I don't know. Maybe that is where I am stuck.