Well hello there Black and Blue, my strong beautiful poetic friend.
I've noticed you missing, and now I note that your no contact here coincides with contact with him. Remember that we are not here to judge, we are here for each other to support, encourage and hold each other accountable. Don't disappear when you might most need the support!
I NEVER want to have to quit smoking again!!
I NEVER want to have to wake up again after a blackout night of drinking, and feel that wave of remorse, humiliation and shame...so sick and de-humanizing.
Incomprehensible demoralization...that's what we call it in recovery.
Remember that the person you love is waking to days of humiliation, shame, guilt, self-hatred, feeling demoralized and de-humanized. He is not capable of giving anything that is deep and sustainable until he takes care of his own heart and soul. Until then he can only "want" to give...and he is (I'm 98% sure) giving to GET. Of course he is going to sweet talk, charm and "love you back" in anyway he can in order to get that soothing FIX of "I'm okay...someone loves me" enough to get on a plane and be intimate with me.
That "I'm okay" is the insane drug of denial for an addict, and you are preparing to give it to him...
I NEVER want to wake up feeling like I am a FIX for an active addict.
I NEVER want to feel as though my LOVE is an EXCUSE to USE...(twist it anyway possible; that I gave it, that I took it away, that it isn't good enough, expressed in the right way, patient enough, understanding enough, etc etc etc.)
I NEVER want to go through that cycle again of "WHY did I trust?!" "Why did I think it would be different?!" "Why am I so desperate?"
I NEVER want to have to question whether my love is a fantasy, whether my hope is denial, or whether my support and encouragement for someone I love is enabling.
If I am in relationship with an active addict every single one of the things that I never want to do again...come to be my reality AGAIN.
Maybe your perspective "that it wasn't that bad" is part of your process of recovery??? I know this may sound like a weird take, and may be seen as dangerous and vulnerable...but you know what? It's my life too. It's my history and my recovery.
I can keep it really simple.
I fell in love with an addict, and I spiraled into a codependent relationship with him. I forgive both of us for that, I have compassion for both of us. I pray for the soul healing for all of us. We all suffer, and hopefully we learn...hopefully we heal. It takes A LOT of work, A LOT of time processing, healing, making amends with self and others. I don't want to spend my life going through that painful process AGAIN & AGAIN. I've already spent two years doing that...and yes, I appreciate the lessons. For ME? Maybe it wasn't that bad...I survived, I learned, I grew, my spirit, heart and mind expanded, I had to look at deep wounds and own them, embrace them.
And now I get to move forward in life with the healing and the history. But I don't have to keep re-wounding myself and I don't have to repeat history.