I hate that you're going through that, EQ.
I absolutely HATE living alone. (Maybe for some of the reasons you mentioned, Dee, but I'm not sure.) Everyone told me I had to learn to live alone before I could be happy living with someone else. So I lived alone for awhile just because I felt like I had to. I don't think it proved anything to anyone other than proving to me that I don't like living alone. I also miss being able to numb things, and know exactly what you mean about consciously wanting to use it even though you know you don't want to drink. Wish I was closer and could come hang out & share some of that food with you.
I'll just have to settle for sending big hugs from here...