Ok, the truth is tonight is the first time in over a month, I want to use alcohol, but conciously, to numb my feelings. For the numbing power.
I dont want a drink, & I am not going to drink. But I am increasingly becoming less tolerant of living alone. It is so tiresome coming home to another night, alone. I feel more and more raw. And when I top it off with thinking of Mother's Day all I can think of is running far, far away.
I really don't want any answers. I know time will pass and that i will have to create my own solutions. I am more writing because I am hoping by venting my feelings I will lose my desire to feel numb. So that's it. Thanks for listening.
I have been compulsively cooking and freezing it. For what? Imaginary guests? To be more like my Mom? What the heck is that about? Lol