Hi Stressedwife,
Ooh! I can remember this time in my life really well, I know those rolling eyes.
Now that you have reached out and the fog has started to lift, nothing will ever be the same for you, your daughters and your alcoholic husband again. We have a saying here that 'nothing changes if nothing changes'.
Of course, your husband doesnt want anything to change, he has to protect his drinking at all cost. My own husband of 23yrs at the time told me that he was going to drink for the rest of his life and if I didnt like it I could leave. That was a devistating blow to me and our marriage, but also validated for me that my AH and I, had a huge problem on our hands.
It took a long time for me to KNOW deep down, that my husband is an alcoholic. I went from 'he is' to 'he isnt' for many months. At the end of the day, its not really important whether he is or isnt, its whether his negative behaviours are acceptable to you or not.
You cant change him either, he has to want to change himself to make that happen. So all you can do now, is concentrate on you, make changes to yourself, make changes in your home, think about some really good boundaries of things you will and wont accept.
My first boundary around this time was that I would not discuss any 'important' issues with my husband if he had been drinking or I suspected him of drinking. If he wanted to have a discussion about anything remotely important, I would just say 'I am not going to talk to you about this when you have been drinking' or 'I will be happy to talk to you about this when you are sober' and then I used to walk away. If he continued, I would just repeat myself like a broken record. I learnt very quickly that there was no point discussing anything when he had been drinking as this usually led to critisms about me or verbal abuse. (as you have discovered)
Whenever I would talk to my AH about his drinking or ask him to cut down, it would spiral: I was called lazy, boring, had no friends, didnt wash enough etc. I can tell you, that since my AH has been sober (9 months ish) he has not critisized me once. It is NEVER about you, please believe that.
Calling your daughter a "f****** bi***" is not acceptable either. I was fairly passive when it came to that with my own daughter (until I learnt), as she was much more aggressive than me, in telling him he was out of order. My AH tells me now, that his controlling, abusive behaviours towards his daughter is what guilted him the most and he often felt really bad after. (Of course he would make himself feel better by drinking again)
Another of my boundaries was to not listen to verbal abuse, allow passive/aggressive behaviour etc. My therapist taught me how to hold up my hand and say 'stop' in a really firm, positive way with 'I do not have to listen to that'. As I got better, I would say 'that is passive agressive and I do not have to listen to that', 'you are blameshifting/controlling, I am going to walk away now'. My AH often looked like a deer in headlights! The verbal abuse, passive aggresive and blame shifting became non existent very quickly, once I caught on to the power in saying 'no'.
Nothing changes, if nothing changes, is worth saying again and keep changing yourself - you are worth it.