Needing advice on drinking hubby

Old 04-10-2012, 06:19 AM
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Needing advice on drinking hubby

I don't have an alcohol problem but my husband does. We've been married for 29 years, together for 30, and all that time he has been a drinker. Sometimes more, sometimes less, but a drinker nonetheless. Back in the early days of being together he could be verbally abusive, not always, but enough to have an effect on me. Over the years of his drinking, with things that have happened in the past, I've come to hate to be around him when he drinks for fear of the verbal abuse repeating itself. He is much better about that these days, but that doesn't erase the past and how it made me feel. He used to drink liquor until he found out he had diabetes, then he changes to lite beer. He drinks anywhere from 8-12 beers a night when he comes home from work. This he does on an empty stomach and he literally sucks them down, drinking that many in about a 3-hour period. I did confront him a while back about his drinking. I told him I didn't like being around him when he drank for fear of past incidents repeating themselves. I told him how much he was drinking a night and of course he said it wasn't that much. He also said those past incidents wouldn't happen again. Thing is, you never know what might set him off. He's been known to go off on me verbally about something and I have no clue as to why, what or anything. All I can do is just stand there until he's done. There is no discussing things when he's drunk. We have 2 girls, 22 and 18, and they both are very aware of his drinking. My youngest has a boyfriend and she doesn't want him to come to the house because of her Daddy's drinking. He has been over before several times and she asked me to ask her Daddy not to drink while he was here, but that didn't work. He drank right on as he usually does. So now she won't invite him over anymore. This makes me very sad. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I'm just so tired of dealing with the stress of it I don't know if I have it in me to help him quit, etc. I've seriously considered leaving him many times, but financially I don't think I can. I"ve come to hate the nights both kids are gone and it's just me and him. Basically that means he's in the garage drinking and smoking, watching TV etc while I"m in the house. I used to drink when we first go together but have basically quit because of him. My only vices now are smoking...and eating, which I hate. I can't seem to get control of anything and I don't know if it's me...or him...or a combination of the two. I would appreciate anybody's insight on my situation.
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Old 04-10-2012, 06:31 AM
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Hi, so familiar sounding to all of us.

You can't help him quit! He won't unless he wants to himself, he doesn't want to.

You are living in chaos, a chaos that is tearing you up I am so sorry

Alanon meetings would be very beneficial, there are a ton of books that can be

to you. I am reading co dependent no more right now, it's amazingly helpful.

It's amazing to me that you have survived this for so long, you are very strong, please start using your strength to focus and begin healing your own pain.

Keep posting, you deserve to have peace in your life. xo K
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Old 04-10-2012, 06:58 AM
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Thanks KatieKate. Throw into this equation that I am helping my Mom out. She's 86 and still independent but does need help with many things and has a few health issues too. I honestly don't know why I didn't leave hubby many years ago. Glutton for punishment? I don't know. I'm no angel...I've certainly don't some not so proud things in the past myself to add to the stress, etc. I have found lately that I'm more apt to talk back to him when he gets verbal or just in general. SLowly I'm turning my thinking to helping myself and not worrying about him...focus on me. I have joined Curves and that helps, but not much if I don't stop eating lol. I know he has to want to quit, has to want to help himself. He comes from a family of alcoholics. His step brother is one but in recovery for quite a few years now. He had to hit rock bottom to come back up. His Mom was a functional alcoholic just like him. She worked full time and drank at night. Sometimes I wonder if it might be easier for me to get a handle on my food addiction if I moved out and wasn't around him all the time. I will look into Alanon. Thanks so much for your input.
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Old 04-10-2012, 07:06 AM
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As tough as getting out of the relationship has been and continues to be for me, I am noticing that I am eating better, taking better care of myself, sleeping like a rock, I am so tired and so worn out, I am noticing little things that continue to make me see that this is what I needed to do for a long time. It still hurts like hell.

Go get a mani and pedi, or a massage, do something nice for yourself, it's funny but I have to have an argument with myself everytime I want to do something nice for me, like how can I be so selfish??? HUH??

I have a long way to go, and there is always the chance I might allow myself to fall victim again, but today, it's all about me. lol Wow it hurt to even say that.

xo
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Old 04-10-2012, 07:07 AM
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Your story is quite similar to mine. I have recently decided that I will work on my own health and happiness and let him decide whether or not to work on his. I have set a couple of boundaries and am determined to stick by them. One of the main ones is that I will no longer "pick him up some beer while I'm out". It just hit me one day when he asked me to do that. I had been telling him that I thought he was drinking too much, but he asked me to get him some beer while I was getting groceries. I just said, "get your own beer." That was that. He didn't ask me again. I also find things to do that I enjoy if I see that he's drinking excessively. He knows I will do this. I choose to stay in the marriage for now, because the good does actually outweigh the bad, but I will no longer subject myself to verbal abuse. I don't deserve it! Sometimes all it takes is for me to say, "That was uncalled for" when he snaps at me about something. Then I walk away.

This may not be a perfect situation, I don't think there is such a thing, but I'm doing the best I can for me. Coming here to vent and read is also something that has turned my life around. I am only in control of my own actions and nothing I do or say to him will make him change his drinking. I didn't cause it, can't cure it, and can't control it.

Take care of yourself and let others do the same. It's so much less stressful that way.
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Old 04-10-2012, 07:19 AM
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Thank you feelingalone43! I'm slowly getting there. I do buy a case of beer each week when I grocery shop. I've been doing that for as long as I can remember. He buys the rest of it. I wonder what he would do/say if I told him I wasn't going to buy his beer anymore? I really hate to make waves or listen to his babble but I know I can't live like I have been anymore. It's killing me...driving me to eat, depression, low self-esteem, etc. I know I don't deserve it yet I'm still here sigh. When he's drinking I think more about leaving him. When he's sober I think...well maybe I won't leave. It's hurting my girls too and I can't stand that. My youngest won't bring her boyfriend to the house anymore because of his drinking. One day my oldest is going to cloud up and rain all over him. She hates what he does and she isn't one to hold her tongue for very long. It's really sad because it seems now he wants them to talk to him, be close to him and they don't really want to. He never really bonded with them when they were younger. He worked retail then and had odd hours for one, but when he got off work he went to drink with friends so wasn't home until late. He did that and I can't change it. So I just plod on taking it one day at a time.
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Old 04-10-2012, 07:25 AM
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KatieKate...I know what you mean. Since I've had the kids (22 years now) I haven't really done anything for me. It has always been for the kids or hubby or someone else. It can be so overwhelming and yes I feel guilty too about doing something for me.
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Old 04-10-2012, 09:00 AM
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Welcome to the SR family!

I'm glad you found us, but sorry about the reasons that brought you here.

I found SR to be a wonderful resource of information, wisdom and support. I also find the same at face-to-face Alanon meetings in my local community. And self-improvement books like "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie have helped me take the focus off my alcoholic and back onto the one person I do have control over: ME.

I was married to my active alcoholic 14 years, and we had three children in our home. I finally reached a point where I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I was a SAHM (stay at home mom) for 12 of the 14 years of the marriage. I wasn't sure how I would support myself and 3 children if I left the marriage.

I found some information and options by getting two free consultations from family lawyers. The first lawyer was a terrible experience, but the second lawyer was a good fit. He explained my options, the state laws, and the customary practices of judges in our community.

With that information, support from my friends and family - I was able to formulate a plan for my future.

One of the reasons I chose to go ahead and leave had to do with my children.
I realized I was presenting an unhealthy role model for my children.
I did not want my son to treat his future life partner the way my husband was treating me, and
I did not want my daughters to accept unacceptable behavior (like I was) from their future life partners.
I wanted my children to believe in me. I wanted them to know that they have control of their futures.

One of my favorite posts here on SR contains steps that I followed while living with active alcoholism in my home. Here is a link to that post:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
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Old 04-10-2012, 10:46 AM
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One thing jumped out at me...

I wonder what he would do/say if I told him I wasn't going to buy his beer anymore? I really hate to make waves or listen to his babble but I know I can't live like I have been anymore.

I totally understand wanting to avoid making waves, but the reality is that you are being held hostage by fear of how he will react to a reasonable/sane statement that you are not going to supply him with alcohol as he is an alcoholic.

I thought I could avoid making waves by saying nothing for a long time and all that happened is I got more and more upset and my life got more out of control.

You have a right to not buy him beer and you have a right to let him know his drinking IS a problem for you. He won't like either of these positions I am sure but that doesn't mean there is a damn thing wrong with you for saying/doing what you wish.

He has a problem and when you recognize that you are afraid to set a boundary or set limits for your own well being bc of how you fear the A will react, that is a sign that his alcoholism is far more pervasive than you might think it is.
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Old 04-11-2012, 05:22 AM
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Thank you wantobehealthy. I knew if I started coming here I would get good feedback! sometimes when you mull things over and over in your own mind you can't see things clearly. Voicing my thoughts here and get feedback from yall is a big help. It helps me see things more clearly...things I need to do. I usually grocery shop on Friday evenings so before then I will let him know I won't buy his beer anymore when I grocery shop, letting him know I think he has a real problem and I won't be a part of it. Of course, I'm sure he will come back at me with the problems I have..so be it. I know I have problems I have to work on for myself and I have admitted that to him. I'm doing the best I can right now. I'll let yall know how it goes.
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Old 04-11-2012, 05:52 AM
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Hi Stressedwife and welcome to SR,

I too can tell a very similar story to you but with a slightly different ending. This is my ES&H (experience, strength and hope)

My AH and I met at 15yrs old, 31 years ago, married for 24yrs. We have two daughters aged 24yrs and 21yrs. We come from the UK originally where the pub (bar) entertainment is big and my husband has been a beer drinker for all his adult life.

Right from when we first got married, my AH was verbally abusive to me on occasions, following a night out on the beer. I excused it on the drinking and would tell myself he didn't mean what he said, it was the beer talking. I cried myself to sleep many a time, following an episode of tongue lashing.

We had a relatively happy marriage for the most part, with lots of nice memories but with the occasional turbulence along the way, caused by his unreasonable behaviors and my reaction to them. He would blame it on our lack of communication skills even though we had been to marriage counseling on two occasions.

We left the UK about 7.5 yrs ago. Drinking is big in Australia and the beer fridge is a 'normal' household item here. My AH left behind his regular pub and regular drinking buddies and so started to drink at home. I started to notice his drinking more and would ask him to cut back, cut down. Any suggestions I made about reducing his drinking would always end up becoming a verbal assault about me. I was boring, I didn't have friends, I didn't wash enough, all I did was watch TV. I was lazy, spent money on my hair etc.

One day I got so upset during a row, I gave him an ultimatum, me or the beer. He chose beer! over a 22yr marriage! I was devastated, shocked and sickened. Thats when someone suggested that I try Al-anon. I hadn't put two and two together and come up with describing my husband as an 'alcoholic' before but all of our 'clashes' started to make sense.

My youngest daughter wasn't having a nice time with her dad either. He was bullying her about paying rent, how much she paid, how often and tried to control her use of the tumble drier, what time she ate, what she ate. He seemed to have a problem with her and money. She was getting more upset about being left alone with her dad particularly when he was drinking, she didnt feel safe in her own home and started talking about moving out at 18yrs old.

I went to my first Al-anon meeting with my youngest daughter and listened to others in the room share their own ES&H. I could relate to most of it, and that was a great comfort to me. I finally had a cause of all the madness, I had been experiencing for years and years.

My daughter ended up having some therapy sessions as she found Al-anon a bit awkward, they helped her a lot. She left home at 19yrs old and not in a way that I would have wanted for her. We had discussed moving out together but I just wasn't strong enough, and worried about how I would manage financially. I feel as though I let her down, but I am so proud of her for putting herself first.

I had felt so lonely in my marriage, the controlling was getting worse, the drinking was getting worse and the unreasonable behaviors and verbal abuse had 'ramped' up as I sought help for coping with his drinking and started to build myself a life outside of our marriage. The verbal abuse stopped after I got taught how to say 'stop, I do not have to listen to that' by my therapist and because I refused to discuss anything important, whenever he had been drinking.

After a year of therapy, Al-anon and visiting SR almost daily, I finally got the strength to leave my AH, which was about 10 months ago. It was the hardest decision of my life but also the best. When I left and moved into my own place, I was living on my own for the first time in my life. I did manage financially. I was so angry with him for letting me down, that it helped me move forward. It was sad and hard sometimes but I was living in peace and flourishing. I no longer cried on my way home from work wondering what mood he would be in that day. Checking the quantity of beer bottles in the fridge or seeing him with a bottle in hand, and my stress, anxiety and panic attacks reduced significantly and have now ceased altogether with no medication.

My AH has been sober now for about 9 months, and is trying to repair all the damage caused by his lifetime of drinking, but that's a whole other story.

I was a complete mess when I found Al-anon, SR and went into therapy. My life, my marriage, was out of control and unmanageable. It took lots of time to repair and heal some of the damage done from years of living in a verbal abusive relationship with an active alcoholic.

Today I am very happy, and content. I try and love myself first because I know that I am important and worthy and deserve a better life than the one I had been accepting for many, many years. I will never live with an active alcoholic or even a heavy drinker again. I never want to live in such pain again, I deserve better.

Please do not underestimate the damage your husbands drinking and verbal abuse has had on you and your entire family, especially your daughters. Please do look into Al-anon and even therapy for yourself and your daughters and keep visiting SR, keep reading, keep soaking up information.

One day soon, you too could be sharing your own ES&H of what it took for you to get to your peaceful, happy, fulfilling life where you are an important person and are worthy of love and happiness - everyday!
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Old 04-11-2012, 06:02 AM
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Originally Posted by stressedwife View Post
Of course, I'm sure he will come back at me with the problems I have..so be it. I know I have problems I have to work on for myself and I have admitted that to him. I'm doing the best I can right now. I'll let yall know how it goes.
I touched on this in my earlier post.

This is a classic alcoholic tactic, to make it about you.

I would suggest to my AH about cutting down to 21units per week as recommended and would be told that I was boring, lazy etc. If I talked about the money spent on beer, I would hear 'you spend money on your hair'. If they make it about you, pick at some of your 'faults' and you become all defensive, then they have taken to heat of themselves and the drinking.

I cant tell you how many 'nice' conversations (it makes me feel etc) started by me about my AH drinking that ended up becoming about me, right up to becoming verbally abusive. Ummm - ALL of them!

Please know this is not about you, your problems, working on yourself- that is a smoke screen.

As wanttobehealth rightly pointed out:

that is a sign that his alcoholism is far more pervasive than you might think it is.
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Old 04-11-2012, 06:09 AM
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I think the biggest change that happened to me was when I started to think about me first rather than the needs of my alcoholic wife. When I started to look at the marriage as a whole, what I was getting out of it, what kind of partner my AW was, how much support was I getting compared to what I was giving.

It really opened my eyes to the REALITY of the situation. I realized what I had was not a partner, I had a parasite. I was the only one giving. I was getting little or nothing in return other than what she thought she had to give to keep from losing her cozy setup.

We have now been separated for a year and I am in the process of divorcing her. I can't believe how scared I was to leave after 36 years of marriage. When I talked to my adult daughters about it they both said "what took you so long?". Now I can't believe I stayed as long as I did. Living by myself is so great. There are times I find myself smiling for no reason at all. Life is good.

Your friend,
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Old 04-11-2012, 06:12 AM
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Thank you so much Eightball for that story! After just a day in here my thinking is starting to slowly change. Before I was always thinking some things were my fault or what could I do differently to make things work etc. I'm beginning to see now how much 30 years of his drinking has affected me. We have never had a social life because of his drinking. I never pushed it for fear of how he would act with people over. I have basically isolated myself because of his drinking. If my daughters need to ask him something or discuss something with him, they know they have to do it when he's sober. I know that isn't good. The only "good" thing that's come of it for the kids is...neither of them drink. My 22 year old will on occasion but for the most part she doesn't drink.

I am going to talk to both daughters about attending an Alanon meeting with me and go from there. It will be interesting to see hubby's face when I tell him where we are going. Wonder what he will say...how I will react. I know that slowly I am pushing back at him when he lashes out at me. I"m tired of taking it and tired of living in that fear. I honestly don't know why I didn't leave him way back when. It is a slow process isn't it.
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Old 04-11-2012, 06:17 AM
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I like the analogy of a frog in a pot of water. The frog doesn't notice the heat gradually increasing until it reaches extreme heat.

Same with living with an active alcoholic.
Alcoholism is progressive and it gets worse.

A helpful tip that helped me when I became aware of my situation:

I didn't arrive in the situation overnight, and I needed to give myself time to make a healthy plan for removing myself from the situation.
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Old 04-11-2012, 06:40 AM
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Originally Posted by stressedwife View Post

I am going to talk to both daughters about attending an Alanon meeting with me and go from there. It will be interesting to see hubby's face when I tell him where we are going. Wonder what he will say...how I will react. I know that slowly I am pushing back at him when he lashes out at me. I"m tired of taking it and tired of living in that fear. I honestly don't know why I didn't leave him way back when. It is a slow process isn't it.
My path of recovery started at a Thurs eve Al-anon meeting. Then I found another meeting on a Saturday morning where nearly everyone went out for coffee and a chat after. Sometimes a few would arrange an afternoon at the cinema. I started to enjoy becoming more social and getting out the house and away from the drinking. A few months later, I joined an acapella choir who were very social and organised lots of get together s and trips away.

My AH was a bit taken back to begin with and became much more controlling about silly things like how I stacked the dishwasher or if I didn't take my bath quick enough after drawing the bath! He accused me of belonging to a cult and would huff and puff about the books that I was reading. All the time, I was growing stronger in health, mind and spirit.

My top recommendations for books would be:

Under the Influence by James Milan and Katherine Ketcham (For Empathy)
Codependent No more by Melody Beattie (Why you dont put yourself first)
Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft (covers verbal abuse, anger and controlling)
The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evens (How to recognise it and respond)

So pleased that you found SR Stressedwife - welcome once again.
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Old 04-11-2012, 07:07 AM
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Thank you so much for sharing that m1k3. All this venting I am doing here and the feedback I am getting is so very helpful in moving me in the right direction. I've often wondered about my marriage...is it a real marriage...are we just an old habit or what. There is no intimacy, hasn't been for a long time. I refuse to be intimate with him when he has been drinking. I don't initiate...he doesn't try. If he were to suggest it or try, maybe one night when the girls are gone...I would tell him no because he's been drinking. Nothing shakes a woman's confidence than to think the only time her husband wants her is when he's been drinking!

I want the kind of happiness and peacefullness yall have. I know I can have it and I know it will take a lot of work and probably many tears. Even when I leave him, if he decides to get help and quit, I'm not sure I can go back to him. I love him and care about him, but I don't think I"m "in love" with him anymore
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Old 04-11-2012, 07:09 AM
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Thank you Eightball for the list of books. I will certainly check into getting one or more of them to read.
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Old 04-11-2012, 07:28 AM
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I love him and care about him, but I don't think I"m "in love" with him anymore
One of the things I learned about myself in this whole process it that I often confused pity with love. I felt so sorry for her and all she was going through but it wasn't love. I couldn't maintain a relationship based on pity. I tried for years and it just didn't work.

((((hugs))))

The journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step.

Your friend,
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Old 04-11-2012, 07:55 AM
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Getting the courage to say no to buying his beer is step 1. Preparing yourself for what the reaction might be is step 2.

I didn't realize there was that 2nd part for a while and I thought that if I could work up the nerve to tell AH no, set a limit, stand up for myself etc... that would be the end of it.

I had NO idea the level of verbal abuse, emotional abuse/manipulation etc... that would follow.

I am not suggesting that it is automatic that your AH will react similarly, I just wish I'd listened better or better prepared myself for the reactions that would come from him. Being able to blindside us, project, deflect and put the focus on any and everything besides themselves is a gift that A's have and I was not prepared to deal with that for a long time.

You are right that your AH will probably turn the focus on to your shortcomings, your weaknesses etc... Think of the things you are most insecure or even ashamed about and prepare to have him throw that all at you. If you prepare for the worst, it won't have as much power over you.

Hard as it is to not take it personally, try not to. He needs to protect his addiction and the surest way to do that is to attack you. My AH was also a master of interrupting, trying to change the topic, dictating how, where, when and with what tone I was allowed to speak. Anything he could do to steer me off course when I tried to set a limit or address HIS behavior, he did.

You are wise to be here and be preparing yourself to confront him. Among my many failings is the fact that I hoped over and over and over that if I could explain or express my concerns in the right way that he'd "get it". I wasted sooooo many years on this. He probabably heard it all the first time I said it and his reaction then should have told me all I needed to know.

One mistake I made repeatedly that harmed me was making threats that I never, ever followed through on. I threatened for years that I would walk away and leave him and not look back "if" he did x, y or z one more time. So he'd do x, y or z and then I'd break my word and stay. Obviously that kind of waffling on my part told him clearly that I was full of it and that I'd never leave.

Good luck to you...
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