Welcome Newatthis!
I imagine your mother is very, very proud of you right now. I used alcohol to dull my (mainly negative) thoughts, always looking for a better mood, only to find out that I spent the better part of my day feeling anxious and depressed.
I think you'll find that you can handle everything more easily - including grief - once you get sober. I also found that when I cut myself off from the pain, I also cut myself off from joy. It's not worth it.
So glad you're here - you don't have to do this alone!:day6