Thank you fedup..appreciate the support! I know I have a long road to go and I'm going to try and do it with reading and going to Alanon. I'm not even halfway through the book Codepent No More and am already feeling enlightened. I know I am looking at things differently, seeing things differently by how I reactive to AH's tirade last night when I told him about Alanon. I stayed calm. Everytime I tried to explain things to him and got interruped, I was calm. I never raised my voice. Eventually I just walked away and went about my business. I have always cowered at his outbursts like that...just clamped shut and tried to wish myself invisible so he would stop. But last night I watched him and listened to him and I thought...omg he truly is an alcoholic! And listen to him throwing back at me everything that is wrong with me...as if I don't know already! It almost made me smile! Oh wouldn't that have really pissed him off LOL Until last night I never realized out much in denial he was. He doesn't understand that I'm not angry with him at all. Yes the problems I have now stem from his drinking over the years etc, but they are MY problems...it's how I dealt with his drinking over the years, how I reacted to it that caused my problems. Now I'm on a quest to find myself again. The real me hasn't been around for a long, long time. He doesn't understand it isn't about HIM but ME. I honestly don't care if he continues to drink...that's HIS problem, not mine. I'm beginning to believe I am worth something, worth being better, being happy, finding peace!