Well I told hubby last night that we were going to an Alanon meeting tonight. He asked what Alanon was and I told him it was a place for familyl members of an alcoholic to go and talk, etc. His reaction was a big roll of the eyes and "See ya". At that I went inside. By his reaction I knew he wouldn't be receptive to anything I wanted to say. He came in later very, very angry and ordered me to the bedroom. My oldest was still awake and of course, as usual, she disappeared to her bedroom. So a very angry conversation on his part ensued. He said he was giving me a chance to talk so talk...that he hadn't been drinking much that night so he wasn't drunk, etc etc etc. To sum it up briefly, I didn't really have a chance to say much because he kept interrupting me. The way he saw it I was blaming him for my problems which I wasn't. I was trying to explain things to him but he wouldn't let me. He called me all kinds of names and of course threw back on me MY problems and said that's why he drank...because of me. Incredibly, I was very calm throughout all of this! When I had a chance I would try and talk but he never would stop interrupting me so I gave up and went about my business. I just walked away. Of course he kept talking, calling me names. My oldest heard it all and I"m sure my youngest too as he wasn't quiet. At one point my daughter even asked him to please be quiet to which he answered by calling her a "f****** bi***" He even went as far as to tell me yes he drank, he's always drank and will always drink. Funny, I honestly didn't know how much in denial he was until then. Oddly, I'm not angry. That is his problem. My problems are mine. Sure they came about because of his drinking and behavior, but they became my problems with how I reacted to it, how I dealt with it. I feel sorry for him, but now is about me. It's time for me to find peace. If he continues to be verbally abusive about it all, leaving us to live in a house of tension, the best thing might be for him to leave. I won't leave...he has to. Possibly getting back together later? I honestly don't know. I think a lot of how it would be without him around. Sure it would be hard financially but it would be a lot less stressful and I would be able to focus on me and the girls.
This morning we got up as usual, went through the morning routine, with no talking which was fine with me. When he left he kissed my cheek and said have a good day. I didn't even expect that much. I just apologized to my oldest for having to witness all of that. She didn't sleep well last night which is why she is up at 7:30 a.m. on her day off. She is so supportive of me and for that I am thankful.