hardy

I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm so tired of hiding everything. My life is pointless and I know I'm to blame. I know you guys will tell me that I have to save myself but I can't. I want to but its like I'm trapped under this thing that controls me and as hard as I fight, it is stronger. I don't care enough about myself to try anymore. I hate admitting how weak and pathetic I am but here it is. All I need is one person to help me get clean for a week, and I could take it from there. I need someone to not allow me to get drugs. I can't do it myself. If I.can make it one week I know I can regain some control and hope. What does it say about me that in my 32 years I have not found one person I can go to and beg for help. No best friend, no family, no safe place. Hell I'm thinking I'll hire some random stranger to help me at this point. I know I'm supposed to do it myself but I'm telling you I need just 7 days of someone looking out for me. Anybody. I'm beyond stupid but whatever I still need help. Yesterday I actually went to the guy who sexually assaulted me to buy drugs because I am so self destructive that I'm constantly being reckless. I wànt to push myself over the edge so I kill myself. This internal battle rages all the while I lie to everyone and my life is secret. I know you all are going to yell at me but please don't be harsh, I can't take it..I know I'm pathetic and ridiculous.