what was i thinking? what am i doing?
Left my a fiance 6 years ago. We have 2 sons. He has seen them only a handfull of times. I've been to alanon and still try to make mtgs. The program is fantastic... here's the problem. I still love my ex. I worked through and finally let go of the anger a few years ago, tired of living that way. Was in love with him when I left. His crack addiction turned violent, not 2 mention the cheating and money etc... two years ago we finally talked for the first time about our split and he actually thanked me for leaving him cuz he would of not gone through what he did if I would of stayed. And believe me he lost everything and then some. The last two years he started school and works here and there. He told me iam the love of his life and don't give up hope on him. But yet I know he is still using. And has had some girl living with him but denies having a girlfriend and gets angry when I insist he does have one. I loaned him 40 dollars till next week when he gets his student loans. His unemployme t ran out a month ago and has not had any side jobs. I don't know what I was thinking giving him money. I told him don't ever ask me for it again I don't like how it makes me feel. I love this man dearly and would love more than anything to get our family back together. I see him making progress but yet then he is still all about him.... I want to believe him when he tells me im the love of his life cause he is mine, but can he really feel that way when he is in active addiction. I try not to have expectations but what should I expect? I want to be detached with love but yet feel sooo attached I've missed him and am still madly in love with him. Don't know what to do or what to believe. Don't wanr to be cruel and hard yet don't want to fall victium to his sickness and mine.... pls help any way you ca.. tahnk you