what was i thinking? what am i doing?

Old 04-08-2012, 08:07 PM
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what was i thinking? what am i doing?

Left my a fiance 6 years ago. We have 2 sons. He has seen them only a handfull of times. I've been to alanon and still try to make mtgs. The program is fantastic... here's the problem. I still love my ex. I worked through and finally let go of the anger a few years ago, tired of living that way. Was in love with him when I left. His crack addiction turned violent, not 2 mention the cheating and money etc... two years ago we finally talked for the first time about our split and he actually thanked me for leaving him cuz he would of not gone through what he did if I would of stayed. And believe me he lost everything and then some. The last two years he started school and works here and there. He told me iam the love of his life and don't give up hope on him. But yet I know he is still using. And has had some girl living with him but denies having a girlfriend and gets angry when I insist he does have one. I loaned him 40 dollars till next week when he gets his student loans. His unemployme t ran out a month ago and has not had any side jobs. I don't know what I was thinking giving him money. I told him don't ever ask me for it again I don't like how it makes me feel. I love this man dearly and would love more than anything to get our family back together. I see him making progress but yet then he is still all about him.... I want to believe him when he tells me im the love of his life cause he is mine, but can he really feel that way when he is in active addiction. I try not to have expectations but what should I expect? I want to be detached with love but yet feel sooo attached I've missed him and am still madly in love with him. Don't know what to do or what to believe. Don't wanr to be cruel and hard yet don't want to fall victium to his sickness and mine.... pls help any way you ca.. tahnk you
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Old 04-08-2012, 08:40 PM
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If he ever gets clean and sober, if he works a solid recovery program and remains abstinent for at least two years, if in his recovery he finishes school, finds full-time employment, pays child support, and is consistently kind, responsible, honest, and always sober......then he will be worthy of being your partner in life.

For now, he is a man you adore.....but he is a danger to your life, your children, and your sanity. He is a full-time drug addict. You are a full-time mother. The two do not combine.

He conned you for $40. Please don't pay a higher price for his attention.
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Old 04-08-2012, 08:52 PM
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bunkie...

plain and simple, you need to look after yourself. Re-read your post. Now read it again... and pretend someone else wrote it. Hopefully, you'll see reading it pretending it's from someone else will show that this person you love just isn't there to LOVE you back the way you need or deserve.

I came on here a year+ ago looking for hope... looking for something to help my AH... to help US and our marriage. Went through tonnes of crap in the middle and have come out the other side physically exhausted "aged" and mentally spent.

Addiction does that... to everyone.... esp. those who feel that they will be the exception to the 'norm' around here. Miracles do happen of course, but only for those who work the program of recovery for themselves. The miracle may not turn out to be a 'happy ending' for us and our addicted loved ones, but rather one for ourselves. I'm finally learning this...

I wish you well and hope you read lots on here and get good information to arm yourself with.
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Old 04-08-2012, 08:57 PM
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I try not to have expectations but what should I expect?
In my experience, I could expect exactly what I had before. Lies, Selfishness, and a request for money.
But, you know giving him the money was not a good idea.
If it stops here, I would say you got out of this one cheap.

I see him making progress but yet then he is still all about him....
What progress do you see? You do not have to answer me. Just something to think about, and I think I just got a message I needed while typing this. Thank you for clearing my mind on something.

Beth
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Old 04-09-2012, 04:07 AM
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Thank you... it is what it is... I lived in the madness and I could not detach with love while living with him and Most importantly it was not healthly for our children nor myself... I made a tuff choice then and spent 5 years questioning myself off and on did I do the right thing should I of stayed and worked my program? Until he confirmed it was the right thing I felt more confident even though I knew I did, for me I did what I needed to do for me and my kids. Now I find myself wanting what fantasy is in my head... him to be clean and our lifes to be on tne same page. I know giving him money was dumb but I do feel confident he will repay me. I gave him 20 dollars about a year ago while he was waiting to be paid for a job he did and he hunted me down to pay me back. However it did not feel right or good about it and I wont again. I did tell him this... I don't want to treat him unkind and my son wants to see his dad so badly so allowing him to see his son is something I feel is the right thing to do. I guess I need to work my program and pray for strength courage and wisdom. Please keep us in your prayers .... thank you again
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Old 04-09-2012, 06:13 AM
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You are a good mom to put the best interests of your children before
the hopeful fantasy.
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Old 04-09-2012, 06:31 AM
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That is tough. I had 2 children with my AB and left him while pregnant with the second. Your situation sounds very similar to mine, only I ended up getting back together and marrying my AH. Please don't do what I did!! I convinced myself that family life could "fix" my AH and boy was I wrong! In hindsight I think that I left him out of anger and when I realized that I still loved him I thought the logical thing to do was to get back together. (He was supposedly clean for 4 months. In retrospect I don't think he was actually clean the whole time.) I now realize that I can love him and not want to live with him. I think you are better off like that. Thanks for sharing!
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Old 04-09-2012, 06:32 AM
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I think you know in your heart the answers to your questions and doubts. Writing them out though helps. We all understand how deeply we can love someone who is addicted. We all understand the doubts and hopes and dashed dreams.

Keep working the program you wish he would.

gentle hugs
ke
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