Hi hardy -
I'm glad you came here and posted.....:ghug3 I know what it's like to have that kind of inner pain/depression and I've been through it with my daughter, too. It's hard to care about a future when you have so much pain in the present.
What about inpatient treatment?
I truly believe things can change and you can find a life worth living. Don't worry if you can't see it right now. When my daughter came to me and told me she didn't want to live anymore, she couldn't see the light either. In fact, she was angry that I took her to an inpatient treatment center for depression. She had already been on anti-depressants and was sure nothing would change her mind. With some trial and error they found different medications that started to help, and with therapy helped her to see from a new perspective. It took about a year, but today she's a different person and has the tools she needs to stay mentally healthy.
Please be compassionate with yourself and totally honest with your doctor about what you're going through. You deserve to get all the help you need, and don't you settle for anything less. :ghug3