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I don't know why i overdosed

Old 04-05-2012, 09:53 PM
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I don't know why i overdosed

So the night before last I was beyond any ability to cope. I cut myself for the second time in a week after not doing it for 3 years. Cutting usually gives me some relief, but Tuesday night nothing was helping. I started feeling really sick and realized since I only had the weakest Vicodin, I'd been taking 3 pills as one and I take at least 2 or 3 at a time so I'm swallowing 6-9 pills every couple hours. It occurred to me that I'm an idiot because I wasn't thinking about the acetaminophen being the same even though Vicodin was weak. I did the math and figured I'd taken close to double the daily maximum in the span of 4 hours not to mention the pills I'd taken earlier. I haven't thrown up since my early days with Vicodin. You would think my being sick would signal that I need to not take anymore. You'd be wrong. This calmness came over me and I told myself I threw up some so ill take few more. I took 3 and told myself no more. An hour later I find myself reaching for even more with this feeling of defiance and almost pleasure.
I wasn't trying to kill myself but I knew there was a chance I could die. I didn't care. It was a sense of relief that if I died or lived, I wasn't making the definite decision either way. I left it up to God, fate, chance, luck, odds, or whatever one might believe in. Obviously I woke up and my liver still was keeping me alive. I felt sick all day yesterday and my stomach hurt but of course I still took Vicodin. Not a lot, just enough not to withdrawal. I really don't know why I did it. I've tried to kill myself before and this wasn't that exactly. I'm totally fine and know I was stupid. Lately though I just have to be self destructive. I know I need therapy and everything and I'm getting closer. I'm actually going to get antidepressants tomorrow. I just think that I'm stuck in this mode where I want to punish myself and risk getting hurt or even dying. Its not that I'm unaware of why I'm so screwed up but its like I don't care. People will consider me unstable but that doesn't mean I'm irrational. I understand that life is wonderful and things get better. I don't have anything against life. I believe there's a possibility that my future could be good. What people refuse to consider is that I can be mentally competent and still want to kill myself. I'm not advocating suicide in any way and I'm not going to put myself in danger again but I think automatically thinking a suicidal person is incompetent is naive at best and harmful at worst. No one has to ever agree that a person is making right decision to kill themselves, most likely they aren't but its important to understand that this may be a rational decision and try to understand their point of view.
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Old 04-05-2012, 10:24 PM
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I've had the thought of suicide run through my head and then rite out and I've never acted on any thoughts. I know a feeling passes so itd be a waste to kill your self. I have been on coke binges where I did way too much but just didn't care if I died and kept doing more and more. You are going to die hardy, everyone is. So instead of dwelling on death, try living life the best you can.
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Old 04-05-2012, 11:06 PM
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Originally Posted by hardy View Post
No one has to ever agree that a person is making right decision to kill themselves, most likely they aren't but its important to understand that this may be a rational decision and try to understand their point of view.
I don't know hardy....I think it's kind of a cowards way out. The ultimate way of not facing fear right?....I also think it has to be the most selfish act you can possibly do....Leaving all the pain for people that care about you to deal with....It just seems like recovery is such a better alternative....So much more rewarding for everyone involved.
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Old 04-05-2012, 11:14 PM
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Hardy I've been through periods where I literally didn't care if I lived or died - I wasn't insane, but I'm not sure I was mentally together either.

I'm glad I got through those periods because I was operating on a false premise: I was assuming my life would always be a certain way...time has shown me that's not the case at all.

I was sad and depressed and screwed up for 40 years - the last 5 years of my life I finally sought help and I've totally turned my life around.

I really hope you'll seek some help too Hardy.
You're worth it

D
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Old 04-05-2012, 11:48 PM
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I never get why people think it's selfish to kill yourself but don't consider how selfish it is expecting me to live. If everyday feels like torture, it doesn't matter so long as u don't upset anyone by dying? It's just as selfish for someone to live just for other people. The coward thing is also quite popular but almost everyone is afraid to die. Its not an easy thing to give up your life and its not that I'm afraid of the future or just don't want to work to feel better, its that I'm not helping anyone by staying alive and my family would be relieved if.I did it. They love me but I'm a burden to them. My mom told me a couple weeks to just do it sooner rather than later. If people think its an easy way out, I respect that but I just can't feel what I feel and function. Does that make me weak? Okay. Maybe so heck maybe I am a coward. I'm certainly not one to deny my many faults and shortcomings. If I knew how to feel differently, I'd do it. I tried 13 years ago at 19 to kill myself. In all the years since I have never managed to get better. I didn't use drugs then but I was so depressed and traumatized I wanted the pain to stop. I've graduated college, been married, and until a few years ago was reasonably successful. I still was never happy. Oh I faked it and even tried telling myself that I was happy. I wanted to feel like I was supposed to, my life was going well. I couldn't escape feeling worthless and depressed. Sure meds helped a little but when I allowed things to start falling apart it was like I knew eventually everyone would realize how worthless I am. I've tried therapy in college but I am unable to think of myself in any other way. I know its not true but I can't feel it. Again I'm not saying anyone should kill themselves, not even me. My point is that before you dismiss me of anyone as a coward, did you even try to understand my reality?
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Old 04-05-2012, 11:55 PM
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Originally Posted by hardy View Post
it doesn't matter so long as u don't upset anyone by dying?
You don't think that sounds a little bit selfish? I don't think anybody committed suicide that didn't upset somebody.
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Old 04-06-2012, 12:10 AM
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Hardy, your post was terrifying and upsetting to read. I am so glad you're still with us. You have been through so much trauma lately, and there's got to be more that you don't even talk about here. Can you talk to anyone in your life about what's going on? You have a family that loves you somewhere, and friends, I am sure of that - do they know how bad things are right now? Can you reach out to anyone?

I used to get that feeling when I was drinking sometimes. It was pure self hatred. I would laugh and chug away knowing that I deserved what I was doing to myself. I always woke up, like you did, except one morning things didn't feel right. I had some more beer and I still felt like something was wrong. I got on my computer, came here and chatted, but it didn't stop me from having a seizure that morning.

I don't know why it wasn't my time to go, but it wasn't. My fiance came home and took care of me for the next several days as I lay on the sofa in a puddle of sweat - hallucinating, sick, afraid. At first I stayed sober because I didn't want to die before my wedding and disappoint everyone. First few months sober I figured I would give it a year or so and then finish the job. I'd give the people I knew plenty of time to get used to the idea that this was how things were going to be and end.

Something really unexpected happened, though. It started like music playing in the background - I didn't notice it until it had happened a few times already and was kind of familiar. Peace. I started to feel loved and safe. It was like I had woken up from a nightmare. I could suddenly see how much I was loved by those that I love and it gave me the will to live again. They still wanted me around, even if I didn't. I felt a peace that's indescribable, and it changed my life. Saved it.

I've been to hell and back and I recognize myself in what you've said. It frightens me because it seems like you are close to the edge of a cliff... these things can so easily spiral out of our control in an instant. My hope for you is that you give it a real go before you decide you're through. I promise there's love and light waiting for you closer than you could even guess.
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Old 04-06-2012, 12:16 AM
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I really am trying. I have appointment to get antidepressants tomorrow. While I haven't let go of the Vicodin, I have been off Meth more days in last 2 weeks than in years and have managed the last 3 in a row. Very small amount of time I know but I'm trying to not touch it ever again. The Vicodin isn't a big problem for me. I know to be clean I have to not use anything but for now this is best I can do and Meth has been destroying my life not the pills. I don't have to have a Vicodin to get through a day. Again I'm not denying that I have to stop everything just not ready for that step just yet. I have been working with counselor and she has a therapist she wants me to see and I'm open to trying but I have to d it at my pace. The last 5 weeks have been about me actively seeking help and its been baby steps for me because it's hard for me to have people caring about me but I haven't ran away yet and believe me, that's major progress for me. I don't want to kill myself especially with what a mess my life is because I don't want people to remember me as a loser. There are just times where I'm not able to keep myself safe ; the impulse is stronger than my ability to cope in a healthy way. I know its not normal to want to die and I don't want to feel this way, I just haven't been able to overcome it.
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Old 04-06-2012, 09:04 AM
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Please call that counselor and get some real help, hardy.

Next time might end up being an accidental overdose. You are worthy. People DO love you and care about you. One day you will see this.

Get some real help, hun!
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Old 04-06-2012, 09:54 AM
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Originally Posted by hardy View Post
I never get why people think it's selfish to kill yourself but don't consider how selfish it is expecting me to live. If everyday feels like torture, it doesn't matter so long as u don't upset anyone by dying? It's just as selfish for someone to live just for other people. The coward thing is also quite popular but almost everyone is afraid to die. Its not an easy thing to give up your life and its not that I'm afraid of the future or just don't want to work to feel better, its that I'm not helping anyone by staying alive and my family would be relieved if.I did it. They love me but I'm a burden to them. My mom told me a couple weeks to just do it sooner rather than later. If people think its an easy way out, I respect that but I just can't feel what I feel and function. Does that make me weak? Okay. Maybe so heck maybe I am a coward. I'm certainly not one to deny my many faults and shortcomings. If I knew how to feel differently, I'd do it. I tried 13 years ago at 19 to kill myself. In all the years since I have never managed to get better. I didn't use drugs then but I was so depressed and traumatized I wanted the pain to stop. I've graduated college, been married, and until a few years ago was reasonably successful. I still was never happy. Oh I faked it and even tried telling myself that I was happy. I wanted to feel like I was supposed to, my life was going well. I couldn't escape feeling worthless and depressed. Sure meds helped a little but when I allowed things to start falling apart it was like I knew eventually everyone would realize how worthless I am. I've tried therapy in college but I am unable to think of myself in any other way. I know its not true but I can't feel it. Again I'm not saying anyone should kill themselves, not even me. My point is that before you dismiss me of anyone as a coward, did you even try to understand my reality?
I get where you're coming from, for sure. BUT if you haven't had therapy in 13 years (or since college), that seems like a more rational option before ending your life. Or even before you can really decide if you CARE to live or die. Plus, therapy and anti-depressants won't work if you're taking drugs or alcohol so, sobriety is going to be key in feeling better, too.
It's a long road, no doubt. But hey, so is the road you've traveled so far!
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Old 04-06-2012, 11:33 AM
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Hi hardy -

I'm glad you came here and posted.....:ghug3 I know what it's like to have that kind of inner pain/depression and I've been through it with my daughter, too. It's hard to care about a future when you have so much pain in the present.

What about inpatient treatment?

I truly believe things can change and you can find a life worth living. Don't worry if you can't see it right now. When my daughter came to me and told me she didn't want to live anymore, she couldn't see the light either. In fact, she was angry that I took her to an inpatient treatment center for depression. She had already been on anti-depressants and was sure nothing would change her mind. With some trial and error they found different medications that started to help, and with therapy helped her to see from a new perspective. It took about a year, but today she's a different person and has the tools she needs to stay mentally healthy.

Please be compassionate with yourself and totally honest with your doctor about what you're going through. You deserve to get all the help you need, and don't you settle for anything less. :ghug3
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Old 04-06-2012, 12:08 PM
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Originally Posted by hardy View Post
No one has to ever agree that a person is making right decision to kill themselves, most likely they aren't but its important to understand that this may be a rational decision and try to understand their point of view.
Your definition of rationality is clouded by your depression. Just because you can maintain a line of thought without drooling out the corner of your mouth & blinking rapidly doesn't mean your head's in the right place. And I'm not faulting you for this - we all have our inner demons to struggle with. But stop pretending you're thinking clearly. You're not. If you really want to help yourself, you need to come to terms with your problems. Not delude yourself into thinking you're 'fine' when it's obvious to both yourself & everyone else you're not. Suicide is never rational.

You need help. There's no shame in that. You're surrounded in these forums, in your life, and in this world by countless others just like you. People who at one time also felt there was no way out. Have you read their stories - read about the happiness they've found? Or are you too busy trying to justify your pain to learn of the hope that awaits you?

Please - stop playing these mind games with yourself & others, and seek out help. You're absolutely right - you can lead a happy life. But it's going to take commitment and effort. And most importantly, it's going to take the intervention of others. Where you're at right now - you can't see where you need to go. Others, who have been there themselves, thus knowing the path, can help you find your direction.

Get help - now. It can change your life. What, exactly, would you lose now by going to rehab? How could things possibly get any worse when you're toying with suicide? Are you afraid you might find a reason to live? Because I think you just might. Don't give up on yourself.

BTW - Did you know that acetaminophen-induced liver damage can be essentially stopped in its tracks (and reversed) if you're treated for it within 48 hours? Go to a doctor NOW. Time is absolutely of the essence with something like this.
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