I really am trying. I have appointment to get antidepressants tomorrow. While I haven't let go of the Vicodin, I have been off Meth more days in last 2 weeks than in years and have managed the last 3 in a row. Very small amount of time I know but I'm trying to not touch it ever again. The Vicodin isn't a big problem for me. I know to be clean I have to not use anything but for now this is best I can do and Meth has been destroying my life not the pills. I don't have to have a Vicodin to get through a day. Again I'm not denying that I have to stop everything just not ready for that step just yet. I have been working with counselor and she has a therapist she wants me to see and I'm open to trying but I have to d it at my pace. The last 5 weeks have been about me actively seeking help and its been baby steps for me because it's hard for me to have people caring about me but I haven't ran away yet and believe me, that's major progress for me. I don't want to kill myself especially with what a mess my life is because I don't want people to remember me as a loser. There are just times where I'm not able to keep myself safe ; the impulse is stronger than my ability to cope in a healthy way. I know its not normal to want to die and I don't want to feel this way, I just haven't been able to overcome it.