Hardy, your post was terrifying and upsetting to read. I am so glad you're still with us. You have been through so much trauma lately, and there's got to be more that you don't even talk about here. Can you talk to anyone in your life about what's going on? You have a family that loves you somewhere, and friends, I am sure of that - do they know how bad things are right now? Can you reach out to anyone?
I used to get that feeling when I was drinking sometimes. It was pure self hatred. I would laugh and chug away knowing that I deserved what I was doing to myself. I always woke up, like you did, except one morning things didn't feel right. I had some more beer and I still felt like something was wrong. I got on my computer, came here and chatted, but it didn't stop me from having a seizure that morning.
I don't know why it wasn't my time to go, but it wasn't. My fiance came home and took care of me for the next several days as I lay on the sofa in a puddle of sweat - hallucinating, sick, afraid. At first I stayed sober because I didn't want to die before my wedding and disappoint everyone. First few months sober I figured I would give it a year or so and then finish the job. I'd give the people I knew plenty of time to get used to the idea that this was how things were going to be and end.
Something really unexpected happened, though. It started like music playing in the background - I didn't notice it until it had happened a few times already and was kind of familiar. Peace. I started to feel loved and safe. It was like I had woken up from a nightmare. I could suddenly see how much I was loved by those that I love and it gave me the will to live again. They still wanted me around, even if I didn't. I felt a peace that's indescribable, and it changed my life. Saved it.
I've been to hell and back and I recognize myself in what you've said. It frightens me because it seems like you are close to the edge of a cliff... these things can so easily spiral out of our control in an instant. My hope for you is that you give it a real go before you decide you're through. I promise there's love and light waiting for you closer than you could even guess.