hardy

So the night before last I was beyond any ability to cope. I cut myself for the second time in a week after not doing it for 3 years. Cutting usually gives me some relief, but Tuesday night nothing was helping. I started feeling really sick and realized since I only had the weakest Vicodin, I'd been taking 3 pills as one and I take at least 2 or 3 at a time so I'm swallowing 6-9 pills every couple hours. It occurred to me that I'm an idiot because I wasn't thinking about the acetaminophen being the same even though Vicodin was weak. I did the math and figured I'd taken close to double the daily maximum in the span of 4 hours not to mention the pills I'd taken earlier. I haven't thrown up since my early days with Vicodin. You would think my being sick would signal that I need to not take anymore. You'd be wrong. This calmness came over me and I told myself I threw up some so ill take few more. I took 3 and told myself no more. An hour later I find myself reaching for even more with this feeling of defiance and almost pleasure.
I wasn't trying to kill myself but I knew there was a chance I could die. I didn't care. It was a sense of relief that if I died or lived, I wasn't making the definite decision either way. I left it up to God, fate, chance, luck, odds, or whatever one might believe in. Obviously I woke up and my liver still was keeping me alive. I felt sick all day yesterday and my stomach hurt but of course I still took Vicodin. Not a lot, just enough not to withdrawal. I really don't know why I did it. I've tried to kill myself before and this wasn't that exactly. I'm totally fine and know I was stupid. Lately though I just have to be self destructive. I know I need therapy and everything and I'm getting closer. I'm actually going to get antidepressants tomorrow. I just think that I'm stuck in this mode where I want to punish myself and risk getting hurt or even dying. Its not that I'm unaware of why I'm so screwed up but its like I don't care. People will consider me unstable but that doesn't mean I'm irrational. I understand that life is wonderful and things get better. I don't have anything against life. I believe there's a possibility that my future could be good. What people refuse to consider is that I can be mentally competent and still want to kill myself. I'm not advocating suicide in any way and I'm not going to put myself in danger again but I think automatically thinking a suicidal person is incompetent is naive at best and harmful at worst. No one has to ever agree that a person is making right decision to kill themselves, most likely they aren't but its important to understand that this may be a rational decision and try to understand their point of view.