Hi SR peeps.
Today I have five months of sobriety! I am so thankful to have made it so far.
A friend of mine is in Vegas for work and kept asking me to come meet her, with my boyfriend and his brother, because she has extra room for all of us. I was really torn about what to do because I wanted to go to Vegas and hang out with her. My mind kept going back and forth, thinking, well I'll have fun hanging out with her, she's not much of a drinker... she drinks a drink or two max all night... but my boyfriend and his brother are big drinkers and I don't want to tempt myself with all that alcohol around, and I also don't want to hang out alllllll night with drunk people, it just doesn't sound fun to me... but I want to lay out at the pool, and go shopping, and see a show... but I have so many things to do at work, and a lot of things to get done personally as well, and don't have extra money right now...
I went on and on in my head like this and talked to my sister and also my sponsor about it. My sponsor said this could be a good time to ask my higher power for guidance, and to go with what felt right to me. I realized that if I was unsure whether I could maintain my sobriety in Vegas, I shouldn't go. Also part of my higher concept right now is responsibility... I know that sounds weird, but I think of it as like, if I feel anxious or otherwise want to drink, instead of turning towards alcohol, I will turn towards my responsibilities. Because my higher power right now is Good Orderly Direction... doing the next right thing and making a conscious effort to live the kind of life I want to live rather than just giving into my own impulses and living mindlessly. I have been trying hard to work out, eat well, keep my apartment clean, go to meetings, work hard at work... basically be responsible in my life and take care of myself. Driving to Vegas on a whim for a whirlwind trip is the opposite of what I've been trying to accomplish... it's what the old Pigtails would have done in a heartbeat, but I'm the new Pigtails.
I've also realized lately that I'm terribly co-dependent, and I had to examine my motivations for even wanting to go... really I just felt bad that my friend was "stuck" in Vegas with co-workers she wasn't close with, pretty much on her own, and I wanted her to have company and didn't want to let her down. I need to put my own priorities first and not worry about disappointing other people. So I ended up telling her it just isn't working out because I don't have the time or money right now, which is the essential truth.
Part of me feels rather old, boring and fuddy-duddy, but a bigger part of me feels confident that I did the best thing for myself and made the right decision. A perfect way to celebrate my five months of sobriety.
Thanks everyone. Have a great day!