Originally Posted by
Florence 
A quick update: Finally had a *real* talk with RAH about what I'm seeing/feeling/needing, instead of one of those shallow talks, and he said his reluctance what it comes down to is that he's afraid to dive into the old **** because he's afraid of relapsing. This tells me he isn't as confident in his sobriety as he purports to be -- unless he's really just a selfish jerk (which I still doubt). Honestly, I think he's scared of me.
Reading this and your early post, I see the word "fear" a lot. He fears relapse and/or you. You fear leaving him will be a repeat of earlier patterns of having to coparent with an inadequate and possibly dangerous ex-partner.
If you step back from this and try to remove the fear from the equation (imagine you are telling a good female friend what you think she should do), what do you see?
Originally Posted by
Florence but I do want to feel heard and feel like he recognizes what we've been through and how to avoid it in the future and set some new ground rules if there is any chance of clearing the air between us and moving forward. It's more complicated than "no drinking" -- a lifetime of old behavior has to be relearned, both of us.
I completely understand the need to be heard and the desire for him to recognize what the impact of his actions were...the need for validation is a strong one. In my case, I came to accept that my XHA never would give me the validation I sought. I had to give it to myself...and if he ever did, it would be empty. Just using words again...
The same words he used to swear to me he would change or "cut back";
The same words he used to cuss me out, belittle me and manipulate me;
The same words he used to assure me that he never cheated on me...
As great as a conversation with your AH is, it's all just words. Actions (LONG TERM actions) are what will speak. What has your AH *done* towards preserving your marriage and work on his self-improvement?