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Detachment and Disconnect

Old 03-30-2012, 09:15 AM
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Detachment and Disconnect

My RAH is approaching 6 months sober. Things are quiet at home, thankfully. He's happy, coasting along on good feelings and success, while I'm still simmering over the BS he put me through last year and disappointed in how our relationship is going. Things are incredibly distant between us. He spends most of his evening free time diddling around on his phone playing games. I gave up on trying to get his attention (I call it detachment) and take long walks in the evening or spend a lot of time reading. I can't remember the last time we had sex. I'm trying to take care of myself -- exercising, eating well, drawing, therapy -- but I'm unhappy. I married someone who was lying to me, and now that the truth is out I feel like I don't know who I'm married to. The past couple of years have been a series of disappointments and let-downs stippled with minor successes, and after the last time he really burned me, things just haven't been the same. I don't look to him for comfort or reassurance. I resent myself for giving up all the things I did to be with him, and I resent him for using me and lying to me while he was an active addict. I threw in all my cards hoping he'd finally get sober, which would at least give us a chance at reconnecting and having a happy life, and now he is and there's a whole lot of nothing. I've communicated all of this several times and he expresses regret, but does little about it. I asked him to take the reins and find us a marital counselor and after several months, the only movement he has made is a couple of phone calls. I feel like this is less about the marriage counseling in particular, and more about how it takes him weeks to schedule any appointment anyway (effing annoying). My counselor is advising me to hold off on making any decisions until I know what's reasonable to expect from a new RA. Folks on SR have basically said, dude needs to hit the ground running and what is he waiting for.

I don't know what to think. In short, sober isn't enough for me. Sober is great, and kudos to him, but being happy with sober and sober alone is some pretty low expectations.

Looking for some feedback and a place to vent.
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Old 03-30-2012, 09:33 AM
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My RAH was sober for almost 2 years before he relapsed. I thought everything was good for the 2 years but it wasnt - all he did was get sober. There is so much involved in recovery for both of you not just getting sober. It took me 2 years to figure that out. It has been over a year now and I work on myself and he works his recovery things seem alot better. I say "seem" because I have learned with an A even it in recovery things can change. I will continue working my recovery and hopefully my RAH does the same. Good luck to you - Hugs your way it isnt an easy road but it does get better and you see things for what they are if you work on yourself.
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Old 03-30-2012, 09:35 AM
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I don't really have any advice or shares. Just wanted to say I can understand why you'd be frustrated and I'm sending some positive serenity vibes your way!
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Old 03-30-2012, 09:37 AM
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My RAH was sober for almost 2 years before he relapsed. I thought everything was good for the 2 years but it wasnt - all he did was get sober.
I mean, how do you deal with that? Knowing that all of your plans can be completely thrashed if your partner decides to take a drink? It just doesn't seem like much of a partnership, where one person is perpetually teetering on the edge and the other is planning in case of the other's failure. This is part of what I'm really struggling with. That even if I do make this emotional and time investment it's a serious risk.
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Old 03-30-2012, 09:51 AM
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I had to let go and let god as I know him take over. My plans will not be trashed because I know that I can do this on my own if I choose to leave. I am happy now but if the day comes and I am unhappy again I will leave I know that now. In time hopefully you will accept that he could always relapse. Take care of yourself first and the rest just falls into place even if it means leaving him. Everything is a risk and if you put yourself first I think you can handle anything. Just think we handled an active A, went crazy and are making a come back stronger and a better person.
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Old 03-30-2012, 09:57 AM
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I also dont argue and make demands anymore. If I have something to say to him or something I would like to get from him I let him know I dont hold anything back. It is up to him to do what he wants with it and if I dont like it I get to do what I want with that. We all make choices in life. I now my choices for my best interest not anyone elses.
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Old 03-30-2012, 10:04 AM
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Florence, I know what you mean, once my XAH was sober, I still had tons of resenment and was very lonely and frustrated, yes no sex life either, he was just "there" in body but I still did not have the emotional part of him, sober he was still emotional unavailable.
I had no excuses for his behaviour, so I had to face that he was who he was even without the alcohol, the fantasy was over, actually he was a horrible partner sober then when he was drinking if you can believe it.
That reality still hunts me, I am happier now that he is gone, and actually I feel less lonely. But it is painful, my prayers are with you.
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Old 03-30-2012, 10:11 AM
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Florence, what do you want out of life? You have choices. You are allowed to make decisions that make you happy and you don't need anyone else's approval. I'm not saying go and I'm not saying don't go, all I am saying is it is your choice and just your choice.

Awesome power isn't it?

Your friend,
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Old 03-30-2012, 10:23 AM
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Dealing with Sober now too....hmmm, yep gotta say it's not the walk in the park I stupidly thought it would be. Emotionally blech...sex blech...distance, yeah feel that loud and clear. Never thought it would be so HARD. Learning every day of ways to cope. Or not. An uphill climb, so we gotta weigh the good and bad and hope the good is enough to overcome the rest. No easy answers, unfortunately, from my point of view.
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Old 03-30-2012, 10:34 AM
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Originally Posted by Florence View Post
In short, sober isn't enough for me.
This.

You already have your answer. Now what's your next move?
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Old 03-30-2012, 10:41 AM
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ETA: my RA has been sober a year and half. Wondering if there's some time line of course where things get better? Think I read that two years is the beginning mark. Then again, all are different depending on the circumstances.

You gotta do what's right for you, Florence. Sounds like you are following your head, not your heart. Smart.
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Old 03-30-2012, 10:51 AM
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I don't get it, I read where it says that after few months sobriety the "sex" goes back to normal, but with my personal experience, it did not, maybe is age related, my XAH is 56, I think taht was the worse part of his recovery, my self estem never got back to normal with him.
Now with my boyfriend he is 55.....wow.....I mean...wow...he is a normie...wow
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Old 03-30-2012, 11:20 AM
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Happy for you!!!!!!!!! lol... still waiting here...used to take it personally. Now I know otherwise. Still, its a downer.
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Old 03-30-2012, 11:39 AM
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Yeah, the lack of sex is a serious downer. I'm 31, smart, good looking, and aching for that feedback. I want to know that my husband finds me attractive, but there's a lot of nothing. It's not personal, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. To top it off, I had a baby seven months ago and going without any positive feedback from him sucks. FWIW, my RAH is 33 so I don't think it's an age thing.

You already have your answer. Now what's your next move?
Sigh. Well, since I wrote this, I went ahead and called the marriage counselor myself. I want a professional opinion about what is reasonable for me to expect emotionally, physically, etc.

I have to stop looking at the relationship's potential and look at what's right in front of me. It seems like my options are to get used to this or to move on. The ****** part about moving on is that it means going back to single parenthood with a new baby again. Did it once, really didn't want to to this with/to a second child.
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Old 03-30-2012, 11:54 AM
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Good Luck to you! The marriage counselor is a good idea hopefully he will follow but if not you are doing what is right for you. So be happy about that
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Old 03-30-2012, 12:14 PM
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A couple of things. First, is that just because he's sober doesn't mean you can control him now-- and "giving" him the responsibility was just that and I read issues of control thematically throughout your posts. This is an issue for you to explore about yourself in counseling, Alanon, or both.

Also, you are finding out who he is sober and you don't like him. Disappointing? Yes. But it is what it is and please consider that it won't change. Another thing to consider is that he's truly early in his recovery and he may change yet again (but not necessarily the way you want). My wife's evolution over the last almost two years of sobriety has been pretty remarkable and continual-- your results may vary and, regardless, sobriety is still one day at a time.

Lastly, when my wife and I decided to continue our relationship we talked about how many things we had said and done to each other over the years, and if we would be able to let them go and move forward without punishing each other continually or constantly bring up real and perceived sins we'd committed. We also talked about, now that we know who each other really is, did we still love each other and could we recommit to one another? We decided to move forward, and we decided to leave the sins in the past and have both been fairly successful in doing so (not that we haven't slipped, both of us, but we call each other on it quickly and drop it).

This doesn't mean I'm not wary, that my buttons don't get pushed, or that I'm Pollyannish about what I observe and experience. It just means we have chosen to have our relationship in the now, as the people we are now, and to have it one day at a time.

Take care,

Cyranoak
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Old 03-30-2012, 12:15 PM
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I want a professional opinion about what is reasonable for me to expect emotionally, physically, etc.
Florence, I'm not trying to be a pain or anything but I really don't understand this post.

Why do you need someone to tell you what is reasonable for you to expect?

Your friend,
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Old 03-30-2012, 12:22 PM
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I kinda agree with stepsforward on the marriage counseling thing being a good idea. At least you could give it a go, maybe set a deadline for yourself as to how long to see some 'results' of sorts, and see where you're at then. Keeping in mind that sometimes you have to go through a couple of therapists to find the best fit for you. Worth a shot, especially since you now have a young baby. But, yes, always keep in mind you are doing this for YOU, your peace of mind and happiness are first and foremost.
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Old 03-30-2012, 12:28 PM
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First, is that just because he's sober doesn't mean you can control him now-- and "giving" him the responsibility was just that and I read issues of control thematically throughout your posts. This is an issue for you to explore about yourself in counseling, Alanon, or both.
Stop being right. I was just about to defend myself re: putting the ball in his court, but that's its own method of control, isn't it?

Why do you need someone to tell you what is reasonable for you to expect?
Well, I don't know. I'm getting a lot of mixed messages about early sobriety and I'm unable to tell what's him being him and what's the fog of early recovery. My counselor is urging inaction until I have all the facts from an addiction counselor, so that's part of it.
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Old 03-30-2012, 12:35 PM
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Thanks, having never saw recovery in my AW I wasn't sure where this was headed.

Your friend,
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