I guess I didn't explain right. I am very proud of my husband for his recovery. No I am not living in the past. I do not want to go back there. I am afraid that if I listen to what he has done in the past it will bring it all to the front again. I feel I have dealt with it but after 15 years of active drinking and abuse from him. There is always a part that remains. I go to Alanon meetings, I go to other speaker meetings and round ups with him and I am there to support him. If this is something that I figure will hurt my recovery why does that make his recovery more important than mine. If other women listen to my hubby and get something out of it I am truly glad for them. I trust my husband in this sense and if I can't trust him in that sense then I would truly NOT be with him. I am not saying his speech would be bad and maybe it wouldn't. I feel it would be painful for me now and probably 10 or 20 years from now. Maybe I would feel differently if he was just starting recovery but I don't want to go backwards.