Hi Blwn in the Wind,
I took my A back several years ago because there were clear "signs" from God that I was supposed to give him another chance. Strangely enough it was a very odd phone call from someone who I barely knew but had been a close childhood friend of my then XA. She was distraught and crying and was certain my XA was going to die soon (he was in Vegas on a bender at the time) and I was no contact with him. He had called her in error (he had been trying to call his mother from memory). It was all very weird.
That night I had a bizarre dream where I very vividly saw my XA get hit by a car on the strip and he died and he was buried in the desert. Now I am wondering if God is trying to tell me something. I didn't have any contact information for my X (he had lost his cellphone) and so I shrugged it all off. Then my phone rang it was my XA's exwife who was asking me about him and then her phone had a call come in and it was the XA who gave exwife his contact number to give me.
So... thinking that God was directing all these bizarre events somehow I had a conversation with my XA who was drunk at the time and told me how he had almost gotten killed by a car on the strip the night before but had jumped over the hood just in time. Now... God appears to be confirming that there is some divine intervention going on and I once again attempted to help my XA get sober.
Now my XA is a believer and when he is on the straight and narrow counsels with his pastor/psychologist but when he is on a bender jumps right in the fire with the devil. I won't go into the ridiculous and crazy stories of his on again and off again sobriety and relapses and times or "real recovery" which sadly were always temporary although successful.
Now fast forward... my silver tongued XA whom I rescued from the devils playground is back out there AGAIN... despite all that we have been through and the clear bounaries I have always set he chose to go back out there.
Now... how are things going for him? Great... he is living it up in suites, gambling everyday and according to him he cannot lose. In fact, last night he was terribly frightened and weeping in a vm he left me because he is certain it is the devil himself who is providing him clairvoyantly with the what cards are going to fall or what teams are going to win when he bets sports.
Everything the devil offers to the addict is at his feet and yesterday he was talking about jumping off the balcony (he didn't mean a word it was more manipulation) because he is seeing how meaningless it all really is after 6 weeks out there (his longest Vegas bender was 8 weeks before this one).
My XA claims he loves God, loves me, loves his kids and family and yet he is in Vegas today even though he is positive God intervened in his life 2 years ago in Vegas. So why do they do this? The Bible says a dog returns to his own vomit and so a doubleminded man will be tempted in the same manner.
Our Christian faith (and I am talking to the OP who has indicated she knows her HP as Jesus so please do not be offended if that is not your own unerstanding) is not based on feelings it is based on the Word of God. We know scientifically that at the root of feelings is chemicals and hormones released in our brains... we are hardwired to attach to our mate and we are actually hardwired for faith in God... it is by design.
AA and the steps are completely biblical in their roots and both lifestyles are programs of action. If you are not moving forward and growing as a believer and someone in recovery you are sliding backwards. That is what happened to my XA despite his "good intentions, his firm belief God intervened in his life and his feelings". He did not continue to follow up with his spiritual life and accountibility to someone to disciple/sponsor him through the needed growth out of addictive thinking and life patterns.
The Bible teaches that we are expected to grow up spiritually and recovery teaches that we are to grow up by doing the hard work of the steps and continuing to grow spiritually in steps 10,11 and 12. My XA didn't do that and that neglect doomed him to repeat his same mistakes and he fully believes that he is now battling the devil who wants to kill him out there.
He wants me to fly out and "save him" again... but when will he grow up and put on his own spiritual armor and do his own battles and find his own way out?
He won't if I or someone else keeps doing it for him.
God's relationship to Israel was always described by God as a marriage. We are the "bride of Christ". But when Israel turned her back on God and sinned against him he didn't run after her with a broom, dustpan, a fire extinguisher, a bag of huggies and a crying towel like we codies do for our husbands.
Jesus didn't run after the rich young ruler and give him another offer or suggest he try a different flavor or denomination!
NO... God sets boundaries. And when his bride whom HE LOVES he seperates Himself and lets them learn their own lessons about consequences. It was not pretty for Israel but when she surrendered, repented and demonstrated that with action God was the one who forgave over and over again and restored her as his bride.
There is NOTHING wrong or unbiblical about a redemptive seperation or even divorce from a husband or wife who has been living a life of sin and disobedience. One does not have to immediately change what are extremely healthy plans to seperate physcially during a time of SURRENDER, spiritual growth, learning and seeking God.
When true remorse, repentence and action is demonstrated with evidence of psychic change and not just talk and feelings then coming back together as a couple in the same residence could be considered.
Why reward the offending spouse with what they desire the most before anything is done except giving more promises?
We all love goosebumps and my XA says I am an "emotion commotion" girl (he loves liturgical and formal services... pretty funny considering that I am the more serious and contemplative one who loves a lively church and he is the drunk in Vegas who loves a quiet church!
Goosebumps, incredible coincidences, feelings and even tearful pronouncements of love can all be GREAT ... but at the end of the day they are just feelings and words unless there becomes a program of DAILY action, daily surrender, daily prayer and meditation, daily accountibility to a spiritual mentor/discipler/sponsor who knows addiction and the Word of God by both of you.
Our HP is a God of Covenants... the Old Testament and the New Testament are both covenants... agreements between God and man. God is quite clear about things and so should we be quite clear about what we expect.
On this messageboard we call it boundaries and when our A's agree on a recovery plan of action it becomes a covenant.
Maybe it is time you and your A talk about what God may be telling you both about what it will look like for you to reconcile ... a covenant of action and a three party contract with both of you and the God you believe is leading you.
Put it in writing. Have someone help you evaluate and come up with a spiritual treatment plan that you trust understands addiction.
Put target dates and daily requirements for action. Make sure there is accountibility partner for your husband to pray with and be completely transparent with on a weekly basis. Bible studies, AA meetings, church attendence, family time for prayer... all of these things should be considered.
Have a plan B... I thought God had it all mapped out and my A would be leading missionary trips by now but he is gambling in Vegas. Life is uncertain especially with addiction.
That being said...my A is still battling his addiction but HE is battling it now. I know the lessons I learned were for ME and I am getting very healthy emotionally, spiritually and in every other way!!!!!
so yes... God may be speaking to you both but you may be still hearing what you want to hear!!! You want to hear the fairy tale and that God is waving his magic wand and sending angels to miraculously heal your marriage and change your husband. But God wants us to learn to listen and obey to His Word...they are where the life and healing and the WAY OUT really are!
He wants us... addicts included... to grow up, put on their own spiritual armor and learn how to be live in a broken world and be a LIGHT not a parasite who drains everyone around them!
Know this is long... but I hope my experience gives you some perspective and helps you come own out of the clouds long enough to consider you are in a great position to set some BOUNDARIES!!!!
Praying for you... remember ALL things work together for good for those who love the Lord!