blwninthewind

Many of you know I was so close to getting out.

I had a place to live, had money saved...and he found out I was planning to leave. He didn't drink, he didn't throw a tantrum and make my life hell...he said take what you need. He said I don't want you to go but I want you to be happy...and he fell apart...but he did not drink. He was kind and loving and stood by me even though it hurt him.

Then he told our children...and it broke him. I could hear it when he told me how hard it was and how after he hated me for making him have to do that but he realized it was HIM that forced me to do it. He didn't have to tell them, he could have left it to me...but he did. He did what was right...he stood up and took responsibility....

I have spent most of the past few days just barely hanging on...thinking I can do this..I have to do this...this IS the right thing...I have to save myself and these children...

and yesterday I got a touch of God's Grace.

I'm reading Joel Osteen's Be A Better You...and had gotten to the second to the last chapter..the whole time trying to really feel God's voice ...asking him to guide me...show me the way....and I set the book down and prayed....and

My cell rang. The girl at the other end had gotten a new phone and her contacts got all twisted up and she was trying to figure out numbers to names...and I realized who it was..as I didn't recognize the number or her name...and it was a girl I used to work with..had not spoken to her in over a year...

I asked her how she was...and she started telling me about how she had changed her life. She was always a firm believer in God...always communicated that through her words and actions but she started telling me about how she began to feel like her husband was mistreating her, leading her away from her path...that she began to hate him.

She told him and everyone else she was leaving him. She and her kids were preparing to go and her heart was broken. She went to talk and pray with her pastor and he said.... you are not perfect but YOUR FATHER loves you. If you love your husband the way God loves you...imperfections and all, if you can forgive the unforgivable...your husband will love you the same way...the bible says that.

So she prayed...and believed that she could save her family...and with God's Grace...she did. He began to love her and treat her the way she wanted to be treated..the way God loves us...

So...she's saying... I don't know why I'm telling you all this...I mean this is alot to share w/ someone when we havn't talked in over a year and weren't close friends...but God's telling me...I have to tell you. and I was crying. I told her what was going on in my life and how scared I was and how I had been praying for God to show me what I should do...

and she said....well...I think he just did. You have to go to your husband and tell him. You can't hide your hurt and pain anymore. You have to have faith that he is ready to lead you where you need to be. And you will trust him because God brought him to you and if both let God lead your family you will never go wrong....

and I swear to you on my children's lives that it was God's message...It was what I had prayed for...it was what I needed. I prayed and Thanked God for answering my prayers and I asked my husband to meet me so we could talk after work.

I cried and told him what happened...and I asked him to forgive me for not sharing what I felt or how hurt I was...and I thanked him for taking care of me when I couldn't and I told him while I never fully committed to him before...I was now. I would trust him and have faith in him because told me...he was ready to lead and we could make this right.

So we talked and we shared with each other how we had been hurt and wronged by each other, how it felt and how we could change that. We talked about our past, and our future...

and we together decided that failure is NOT an option. This is not the way God intended our family to be. We are doing a huge disservice to our children by not being the kind of parents that we should...

and while we have some work to do. We have some pretty heavy duty counseling and therapy for us and our family...and he has his AA program to work and I have my alanon program to work...
that we will be a united front.

We will stand proud of where we are today and will tell others how we got here. I know we aren't done yet...but I am so thankful my heart was open. That I was listening ...that I was praying for answers, for healing my broken heart....had I said.."hey, I'm at work...let me call you back"...I may have missed that message. I may not have had that opportunity to hear what God was telling me through my friend.

It's pride that stood in our way...it's pain and hurt but it can get better. It can be better than "enough"....
we can have an abundant life...together ...if we keep a common goal in mind and that is to live our lives the way God wants us to live. With hope, faith and love for one another.

This wasn't easy to share...and some of you are going to sit back and just shake your heads and say "she was sooo close!"....but I'm telling you I'm not crazy. I'm not just looking to hear what I wanted to hear...I believe w/ every fiber of my being that I was meant to hear that message. And it was meant to be shared when I asked for help from Him.

I don't know how to explain it. But it's right....it feels right. It's not the "we go to what we know" kinda feeling of comfort...it's uncomfortable sharing how I feel w/ my husband and while it hurts..it's scary and difficult...it still feels like I'm doing right. Because my family is worth saving.
My relationship ...God didn't just send me someone...he sent me the right man when I needed it, and he delivered him right to my front door...and I need to trust that the answers are bigger than me and I don't need to know what the plan is...I just need to go with the flow and have some faith that everything will be okay.

so.... at my house..we will serve The Lord...and He will lead us to where we need to go.

and for the first time in a very very very long time...I am happy. I have what I need and what I want. I see a change in my husband and it is only God himself that could have done that. He changed my heart too. I can act on faith now that we will be okay. We will follow where God leads us and in that faith there is a promise that He will care for us.

I hope that this helps someone. Who would have thought a mixed up phone call would have delivered me God's Grace? But it did. And it changed my life.