Thanks everyone I am a lot more calm now I was really freaking out this morning, i think getting the other guy involved and just letting him "have it" really helped. Basicaly I think it comes down to I don't do all that well in an independent enviroment, I need that present structure, (probably not the right way to say that) to be productive otherwise I let things go by the wayside. I also have a strong tendency to be a parinoid SOB and assume the worst will happen in every situation. That isn't a good way to operate and obviously has me a nervous wreak at times. Once again sorry if I came off as pleading for attention, as that is how it sounds to me in retrospection, and it might be a little bit to be honest I don't know. I know that as I said I have no one else to express my frusterations or concerns to except for here so I do. I am starting to think that what someone on the March newcommers thread might be a good idea especially now that i am not drinking and have a clearer head, I might want to see a counselor/therepist whenever I get a chance. That won't be for a while though,but the idea is rolling.
especially sober I might as well be honest with you all I have been pretty closed about what I do for a living, but it may shed some light on why I freak out the way I do and don't tell my superiours about my "issues". I am in the Marines and have a clearence, so that is the reason for the hush hush on my alcohol troubles because that would put my clearence and hence my job in danger. I am no security risk as I don't do anything stupid even while drunk, or if I do it is within the confines of my house. However, just that can be a big red flag and is I dont know how it would be handeled. If I was not on the current duty that i am then it wouldn't be a problem, I could just self admit and no harm no foul, but not out here. That is also one reason why I freak out so much becasue it is a little more than a job to me, I have lived and breathed this life for 8 years, its just who I am, its not like I could just quit and start job hunting again, hell I don't even know how to write a resume. I could learn obviously and I am seriously thinking about getting out after this next enlistment as I am not sure this is making me happy anymore either. I have a few years to decide though and eventually I will be off of this assignment and back to the regular operating forces (I can't wait I miss it).
Especially where I have been stationed, (all small obscure places), the only company for the most part that I have had for a very long time has been fellow Marines and trust me it is an entirelly different culture than the rest of America. By comparison we are rude, brash, and arrogant, but there is a deffinet "brotherhood" and commraderie. If I do get out I don't quite know how I would handle the "outside". I haven't had to operate in that setting for a long time. Oh well like I said I have calmed down a lot since this morning.
The guy that I emailed gave me a short list of things to do, as I admitted to him that I am the type to need direction, he seems okay with my email, and is not going to hold some kind of inquisition. So I will work on getting what he expects of me done and then move on from there. I only have a couple of weeks that I have to hold out until my replacment gets here and then I will have him to tell me what is what and when to be where. Once that happens I think I will be doing a lot better. I don't know if that is a sign of weakness or not but one thing I think i am good at is introspection and comming up with an honest if a little harsh assesment of myself. One thing I have realized is that if someone isn't telling me to do it and when to have it done by it probably isn't going to get done. unless of course I like doing it, which is not the case here at all. I miss my old job, I fix radios in the regular forces and have no problem with being outside in 120 degrees with a wrench and a pair of wire cutters installing a radio into a vehice that is fun. Administrative stuff however, I hate with a fiery passion. That is why i am thinking about getting out, because I can see that since I have been in for a while and have picked up a few ranks that is the direction in which my carrer is headed. I am not sure I like the view.