I did put myself into counseling. This past year has been so insane that I had to. I started to go before he went to rehab and then I stopped. He had even said something to me like he felt I really wasn't the one who needed therapy. It was him. Well that was a big mistake. I definitely needed it.
The things that really start to mess with my head are that when we did break up three weeks ago, he was actually acting like a sober, rational human being. Said things like he didn't think my family would ever accept him, that he knows our relationship fell apart due to his poor choices, that this was the hardest thing for him to do was let me go, that he doesn't hate me but what we've become together, wants me to be happy, feels like he won't be able to make me happy, etc. He made sense. Then I start to question well maybe he was sober, I totallly over reacted to a call and that it was my fault. That's where the second guessing in myself comes in and I have to stop thinking this stuff.
My head knows that my reactions were based on what had happened the previous year of our lives together, that trust was shattered, etc. I just HATE to think that this person finally did get to a place where I wanted him to be for so long....SOBER (???)....and then the steps were not taken to rebuild it becuase it was just too much work for him. That just leaves me feeling like someone who was just too much work to fight for and deal with our issues so it's goodbye to me. Have any of you felt that way?
Leslie, I understand what you're saying, that the relationship caused trauma in him too. I just can't handle thinking that I should have done different things to have not caused this in the end. I am in therapy. I am sifting through all of my emotions. Yesterday was a good day. Today I woke up feeling a little anxiety again.