Blogs


Notices

finally had melt down and ended up at alanon

Old 03-28-2012, 08:25 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 180
finally had melt down and ended up at alanon

I accidentally posted this on the alcohol page but here goes.........


Well everyone, I think I finally hit MY ROCK BOTTOM! I feel much more at peace today than I have the last three weeks. As some of you had read from my posts, my aexbf and I broke up after a few rotten arguments where I had some issues with feeling like he was lying to me. I spent a year being lied to, manipulated, emotionally abused, lied to, lied to, lied to. He went to rehab after I found more pills in his bag last december, kicked him out of my house and called his parents to let them know what was going on. So, he went to rehab and was out after only 3 weeks.

Everything was going great. We were together every single day. The last few arguments we got into were over my trust issues....well, yes as--hole, I'm going to have some trust issues after the last year of my life of hell with you. After rehab, he was making the right steps, going to meetings, got a sponsor, was being honest, humble, etc. Then I started to feel like something was wrong. He lied about some texts/calls in his phone and then we had a major blow out when I saw his ex drug dealer was continuing to call his phone. I don't want to rehash all details from my previous post but when I asked him why he kept calling him, he raged at me, called me names, got really nasty, turned the whole thing on me. So, I kicked him out of my house again. Clean or sober, I don't want someone in my face screaming at me like that. Clean or sober, I was starting to realize that he was an angry human being who I had to feel like walking on eggshells for. I see that now.

Fast forward to three weeks of no contact. I was having a hard time. Found some of his belongings at my house. Stupid me asks him what he wants me to do with them. (I know this was such a bad move, I should have just thrown them in the garbage, trust me Iíve learned my lesson). I get a pretty nasty response back and a throw them out. I tell him that I was really hurt by all of this and then it just proceeded to rage and more rage via email, about the fact that he is angry I kicked him out, he knows that Iíll never trust him because I kicked him out, manipulating my every thought. No thoughts about the fact that he destroyed trust for a year, I agree to try and make a relationship work and thereís NO work on his part whatsoever to regain trust. The problem is that I kicked him out. Not that he was in my face calling me names and screaming at me.

Anyway, I stooped to the lowest level I have throughout our ENTIRE relationship. I donít know what came over me. Iím pretty embarrassed to even write it out to all of you right now. I begged and pleaded with him, told him I knew it was wrong to kick him out and make him sleep at his office, told him if two people really loved each other they could work on things, told him some insight into my therapy, etc. He raged. Then later that night I get a slew of emails saying how much he loved me, how much his family loves me, that he is just afraid to call me because we havenít spoken in over a month (it had been two weeks), that he wishes he could control his anger better, that heíll never really let me go in his heart, etc. Of course, he never calls. Next day, I start getting angry emails again, saying heís not making any sense, I talk to him later and heís screaming at me on the phone about everything I did wrong (including the fact that he quit taking his Zoloft Ė apparently that was my fault), then to get another round of emails saying heís sorry, he never wants to leave me, he needs to let his anger go, he will never let me go, he wants to have me in his life, etc. It was insanity.

Monday (towards my breaking point), he says heís busy at work but feels better. I had a hard day and kept telling him I was feeling pretty vulnerable and emotional and Iím not a crier but I broke down and balled my eyes out on the phone to him. His voice sounded weird and he didnít say much. At this point we hadnít seen each other in three weeks. He said he couldnít come over because of work stuff in the morning but he would come over the next day. I send a bunch of texts and call and no response the next day until much later. I told him I had told my daughter who was asking for him that he was coming over and this was really starting to upset me. I didnít want to start screwing with her head, that he was giving me the silent treatment one minute, lashing out at me the next and then telling me he loves me in emails the next. IT HAD MY HEAD SO SCREWED UP. After not responding he sends something saying ďI told you I was busy, you need to relaxĒ. Um, no asóhole, this is my daughterís life and expectations. I think it finally got me to lose all sense of my sense of self respect as a human and finally HIT MY ROCK BOTTOM. It was so obvious he was BS-ing me. Heís never that busy at work. I know what he does. All of it just became so obvious and I had a MELT DOWN.

Iím so sorry this is so long. I just finally got to a place where the light bulb went on and I am by no means feeling like a rock star, but this is the best Iíve felt in weeks. Iím embarrassed, so embarrassed at myself for begging for this person who has been nothing but cruel and toxic, toxic, toxic to come back into my life. Itís just disgusting. But, I almost feel like I had to get to that point to finally let it all go. I see him for not a human being, but for a shell of human being, someone who is evil, dark, manipulative, just a massive con artist. Heís just disgusting. Iím going to try and keep going to these meetings. I think they will help and thank you to all of your support here. Sorry again for the long post.
madisonblake is offline  
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to madisonblake For This Useful Post:
Ann (03-29-2012), Chino (03-28-2012), dbh (03-29-2012), Kindeyes (03-29-2012), KuanYin (03-29-2012), oneday66 (03-30-2012), outtolunch (03-29-2012)
Old 03-28-2012, 08:26 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 180
And the final morning ended up with me sending a bunch of texts really early saying that I was feeling vulnerable, feeling like I don't want to really lose him, that I missed him, on and on and to please just send me a text when he woke up and let me know what he was planning on doing after work as far as coming over. My daughter woke up and started asking about him. That scared me. Of course, no response to any texts. To me, if I truly cared about someone, I would have responded with something if I had woken up to all of that. It was the silent treatment. That's what bothered me the most. It made me try and reach out even more which made me seem like a psycho. That day was pure hell. I was completely over reacting and a mess and he knew it. When I finally just said to him, he needs to tell me if I need to just walk away because this roller coaster for three days had my head screwed up, he responds with "i told you i'm busy, you need to relax!" It takes two seconds to respond. This may seem so crazy and over reactive and I know that it is but the emotional abuse and the roller coaster ride just threw me into a bad place. I know I finally had to go there for myself. I'm so sick of feeling like the insane one in this life with him. We've gone through this so many times when he WAS using and I was left to feel like I was the insane one and then I would get the silent treatments that I just snapped.

There's still this little voice in my head that is so insane that questions whether or not he really did relapse and then I have to stop myself and remind myself that this person is NOT relationship material. He is abusive and angry and a huge emotional mess. Like I said, I do feel better today. Much better. It's just going to take a long time to get over this. i didn't realize how long but I know with each and every attempt at reconciliation we've made, my wounds just got deeper.

I have a beautiful daughter, we had a great day today and I'm so lucky to have her, my home, my great job, my family, etc. It was his loss, not mine. I just have to keep reminding myself that this person is truly sick and abusive. I sat at the table today at alanoon with some great women telling their stories about their husbands who are still alcoholics and the stories of decades of alcohol abuse and they're still there with them. It was a wake up call to me. I have to remember do I want to be at this table 20 years from now making excuses for him, clean or high? Do I want to take this chance?

This was just an incredible loss of my self esteem and self respect and pride this last go around with him. Urgh!
madisonblake is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to madisonblake For This Useful Post:
Ann (03-29-2012), Chino (03-28-2012), Kindeyes (03-29-2012), KuanYin (03-29-2012)
Old 03-28-2012, 11:14 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
lesliej's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
Hi Madison,

I can sense anxiety, sorrow, pain, frustration and fear. Maybe its coming from your post...maybe its coming from my memory in reading your post...maybe both.

A relationship that involves addiction and codependency, without solid recovery, is traumatic. Trauma does injury...the injury takes time and a concerted effort to heal. You are taking the steps to heal. Please keep trying to what is best for you. "Crazy-making" is not just a descriptive term...it can be an objective fact. I know treatment facilities here where the whole program is based upon healing people from trauma.

Emotionally you are suffering from whiplash. And so is your ex. I used to have resentment that my ex disappeared with crack. Then I realized that every time he used I "disappeared" because I would kick him out of my house. I should not have been in relationship with him and I was...and by being in relationship with him I was contributing to his trauma and facilitating my own.

You are the only one that can offer reliability and responsibility for your own well being and in so doing for your daughters as well. I'm so glad you found a meeting, and really proud of you for being open, honest and vulnerable here. Thank you, I honor you for your courage to be open. Honesty is the only way to get help to stay on a path toward healing.
lesliej is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to lesliej For This Useful Post:
Ann (03-29-2012), fourmaggie (03-29-2012), Kindeyes (03-29-2012), Skye10 (03-29-2012)
Old 03-29-2012, 03:59 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 180
I did put myself into counseling. This past year has been so insane that I had to. I started to go before he went to rehab and then I stopped. He had even said something to me like he felt I really wasn't the one who needed therapy. It was him. Well that was a big mistake. I definitely needed it.

The things that really start to mess with my head are that when we did break up three weeks ago, he was actually acting like a sober, rational human being. Said things like he didn't think my family would ever accept him, that he knows our relationship fell apart due to his poor choices, that this was the hardest thing for him to do was let me go, that he doesn't hate me but what we've become together, wants me to be happy, feels like he won't be able to make me happy, etc. He made sense. Then I start to question well maybe he was sober, I totallly over reacted to a call and that it was my fault. That's where the second guessing in myself comes in and I have to stop thinking this stuff.

My head knows that my reactions were based on what had happened the previous year of our lives together, that trust was shattered, etc. I just HATE to think that this person finally did get to a place where I wanted him to be for so long....SOBER (???)....and then the steps were not taken to rebuild it becuase it was just too much work for him. That just leaves me feeling like someone who was just too much work to fight for and deal with our issues so it's goodbye to me. Have any of you felt that way?

Leslie, I understand what you're saying, that the relationship caused trauma in him too. I just can't handle thinking that I should have done different things to have not caused this in the end. I am in therapy. I am sifting through all of my emotions. Yesterday was a good day. Today I woke up feeling a little anxiety again.
madisonblake is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to madisonblake For This Useful Post:
Ann (03-29-2012), Kindeyes (03-29-2012)
Old 03-29-2012, 04:07 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 180
And then I have to remember something that I did talk to my therapist about last weekend. When asked why he had wiped out all the call histories and texts in his phone, that this was something that he had told me he would not do in order to rebuild my trust, I was completely calm when addressing it with him. He attacked me. Told me that the reason he did it was becuase he took his SD card out of the phone and it wipes everything out when he does that. Well we have the same phone. It does NOT do this when you take your card out. When I asked him about why he felt he needed to lie to me, he said it was because his ex sponsor who had started using again had sent him texts and called and he couldn't bear to see his name in the phone and I always think he's lying to him. So my therapist looks at me and says "so he said he lied because he feels like you always think he's lying to you so he responds with a lie?" She had this puzzled look on her face like "that doesn't make any sense!"

These are the things I must remember. The things that just never make any sense with him. NOT the things that I should have done better or could have done better or different.
madisonblake is offline  
Old 03-29-2012, 04:24 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Ann
Nature Girl
 
Ann's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 59,784
Madison, meltdowns are good when they take us to our bottom...mine did and I have never looked back. In a healthy relationship, nobody needs to blame or shame or figure out who is giving more than another and trust is a given by both parties. Anything less than that is toxic.

It helps to grieve your loss, just don't hang out there too long. Instead look ahead to brighter tomorrows, because they will come, I promise. We need to say goodbye to yesterday if we are to open ourselves to all the beauty in today. The tomorrows will take care of themselves.

Just for today, focus on only you and your daughter. Put the thoughts of "what might have been" on the shelf with the "coulda's, woulda's and shoulda's"...you don't need those useless emotions anymore, because today is your new day of new beginnings. Embrace it all.

Hugs
Ann is offline  
Old 03-29-2012, 06:53 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
outtolunch's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by madisonblake View Post
I sat at the table today at alanoon with some great women telling their stories about their husbands who are still alcoholics and the stories of decades of alcohol abuse and they're still there with them. It was a wake up call to me. I have to remember do I want to be at this table 20 years from now making excuses for him, clean or high?
My exposure to Alanon was a turning point for me, too. I sat. I listened to stories of abuse.I watched people reenact. Then there was the announcement that's made every week- make sure to attend the AA open meeting at the X church, on Friday night so we continue to make all the @#$%^ Addicts/alcoholics aware of how they destroyed our lives. This is when I learned that many had been "working their recovery" like this, for 10+ years.

I made the decision I did not want to be sitting in this room in 10+ years replaying my daughter's drama and I most certainly did not want to storm into AA meetings with the intent of rubbing anyone's face in whatever came before. My demon ( codependency) resided within me- not in some AA meeting.

I am grateful to this off group for making it clear I had a choice to feed the demon or release it.
outtolunch is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to outtolunch For This Useful Post:
Ann (03-30-2012), KuanYin (03-29-2012), Vale (03-29-2012)
Old 03-29-2012, 07:29 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Kindeyes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Blog Entries: 3
Personally, I like to think of the meltdown as a spiritual awakening. The point where I realized that the person who could solve the problem wasn't "him" ...... it was "me".

Luckily the meetings that I attend (AlAnon and NarAnon) aren't focused on the crap the A's have put us through. Instead the focus is on "us" and our own behavior, reactions, successes, difficulties, breakthroughs, "aha" moments, coping strategies, etc. Like an addict, I don't believe that my Codependency is curable....but it is manageable. I may attend these meetings for the rest of my life but it isn't because I want to rehash my past or rank on the A's in my life. It will be to keep my codependence under control and to give back to others who are facing their own early recovery.

Your "meltdown" was an important step toward your own recovery.

gentle hugs
ke
Kindeyes is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Kindeyes For This Useful Post:
Ann (03-30-2012), LifeRecovery (03-29-2012)
Old 03-29-2012, 12:29 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
SuzyMarie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Another Earth
Posts: 172
Madison, All I can say is you are not alone in anything you are thinking, feeling, doing, etc. We have all been there, though our stories may vary to some degree, there is the underlying theme of addiction. I have to say it still amazes me when I read the words that come out of the addict's mouth (from several different people and posts here) ...I cannot help but wonder do they all share the same script..lol??? I read so much here and have so often said to myself, "I have heard THAT before", sometimes verbatim. I am not meaning to sound derogatory toward the A's in any way, just trying to put a little levity on what can be an awful situation.
SuzyMarie is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to SuzyMarie For This Useful Post:
Ann (03-30-2012)
Old 03-30-2012, 12:54 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
lesliej's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
Time heals. You can trust in that in a big way.

More will be revealed, more will be seen with much greater clarity as time goes by...as you continue doing what you are doing, taking care of yourself with love and gentleness, seeing your therapist, going to meetings, processing here, reaching out...

You are going to find peace because you are doing what you need to be doing right now...you can trust in that.

You are just at the crisis like timing of an addictive relationship split right now. It is going to be okay! Just keep breathing...your memories are going to keep sorting themselves out. Find guidance with your therapist and here...but I also HIGHLY recommend grabbing yourself a sponsor ASAP. It is an amazing luxury to sit with another woman for an hour over coffee and have it be all about you!!! You deserve a witness right now, a sponsor will help you keep your self perceptions in good healthy alignment!

You are going to need help doing this. Addictive relationships are laden with blame, guilt, shame and manipulation. Keep reaching out for help in sorting and cleaning up the aftermath mess. Do not be afraid, have faith...clarity will keep happening and you will find great freedom of heart in that clarity.

Peace! XO
lesliej is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to lesliej For This Useful Post:
Ann (03-30-2012)
Old 03-30-2012, 12:57 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
lesliej's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
My increase in clarity over the last five weeks has been amazing!!! 5 weeks!! New, happy, peaceful, loving view on life.

Therapist/SR/Meetings/Sponsor
lesliej is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to lesliej For This Useful Post:
Ann (03-30-2012)
Old 03-30-2012, 03:49 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 180
Thanks everyone. I do want to find a sponsor. I havent been able to find another meeting that fits with my schedule. I am going to try and find a meeting Monday night since I won't have my daughter. I'm actually going to try and find one with NarAnon since they are mostly in the evenings here. There aren't nearly as many as the AlAnon but I do believe that NarAnon will fit my situation better, even though I can gain alot of insight with AlAnon.

My daughter is with her dad next week and I have the fortune of going out of state to a nice, warm place for work next week (nice hotel, earm weather, expenses paid by work....YIPEE!). I extended the trip for myself so I'll have a few days to myself to just lounge by the pool and relax and read. I think the timing of this couldn't have been any better.

How do you go about finding a good sponsor? I'm assuming i should just ask around at the meeting.
madisonblake is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to madisonblake For This Useful Post:
Ann (03-30-2012), lesliej (03-30-2012), Skye10 (03-30-2012), SuzyMarie (03-30-2012)
Old 03-30-2012, 03:55 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 180
And as I was having a cup of coffee this morning, a realization came over me? Why am I reading all this stuff on mental health and substance abuse and trying to understand HIM over the past year? I should be reading for ME. I used to read tons of books on babies, infants, toddlers, etc to gain insight into my daughter and books for ME. That is what I'm taking on this trip with me. Books for ME and books on raising children. I am not taking anything with me that even resembles some sort of mental health or absue literature. I can see the codependancy behaviors in me over the last year for sure.
madisonblake is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to madisonblake For This Useful Post:
Ann (03-30-2012), Heartbroken0608 (03-30-2012), lesliej (03-30-2012), Skye10 (03-30-2012)
Old 03-30-2012, 04:37 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Ann
Nature Girl
 
Ann's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 59,784
Madison, Codependent No More is one book that has helped many of us here, also The Language of Letting Go, a book of daily readings that continues to inspire me today. Both books are by Melody Beattie, a terrific author who writes like she is one of us...because she is.

I am glad you have found a good meeting, the ones I attended were all about "us" and nothing to do with our addicted loved ones. They were about healing and healthy behaviour and setting boundaries and learning to live well again...regardless of how our loved ones were doing. The 12 Steps still guide me in my life today, they are a really good "living plan" that helps me stay on a good path.

Hugs
Ann is offline  
Old 03-30-2012, 09:15 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
lesliej's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
I really appreciated reading "Facing Codependency" by Pia Mellody

Super clear, concise insight into how codependency develops in an individual and ways toward the solution! It has been the best I've read. I also love the Codependents Way through the 12 steps (Melody Beatty) great read!

I also highly recommend a big thick juicy fashion magazine for poolside...sometimes we just need to give ourselves a half hour taste of what it is like to NOT be in an addictive relationship. I keep discovering that its a pretty bright beautiful and joyful world out there when I quit doing the jerky jangly painful dance of codependency with crack addiction. Wow. Give yourself a half hour "act as if" break to look around and see what it is like.

Of course I know that pretty much everyone on this planet walks around with their own burden, sorrows and difficulties...but we codependents add others burdens to our own and keep carrying the weight and sorrow and issues of others in the name of love.

Enjoy your trip...I hope you find deep pools of serenity! Also, I might add, it can be quite fun and adventurous to look up a meeting in the place you are traveling to!! I most recently went to one in Florence, Italy. It's like a spa appointment for the early recovering codependent!!
lesliej is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:21 AM.