And the final morning ended up with me sending a bunch of texts really early saying that I was feeling vulnerable, feeling like I don't want to really lose him, that I missed him, on and on and to please just send me a text when he woke up and let me know what he was planning on doing after work as far as coming over. My daughter woke up and started asking about him. That scared me. Of course, no response to any texts. To me, if I truly cared about someone, I would have responded with something if I had woken up to all of that. It was the silent treatment. That's what bothered me the most. It made me try and reach out even more which made me seem like a psycho. That day was pure hell. I was completely over reacting and a mess and he knew it. When I finally just said to him, he needs to tell me if I need to just walk away because this roller coaster for three days had my head screwed up, he responds with "i told you i'm busy, you need to relax!" It takes two seconds to respond. This may seem so crazy and over reactive and I know that it is but the emotional abuse and the roller coaster ride just threw me into a bad place. I know I finally had to go there for myself. I'm so sick of feeling like the insane one in this life with him. We've gone through this so many times when he WAS using and I was left to feel like I was the insane one and then I would get the silent treatments that I just snapped.
There's still this little voice in my head that is so insane that questions whether or not he really did relapse and then I have to stop myself and remind myself that this person is NOT relationship material. He is abusive and angry and a huge emotional mess. Like I said, I do feel better today. Much better. It's just going to take a long time to get over this. i didn't realize how long but I know with each and every attempt at reconciliation we've made, my wounds just got deeper.
I have a beautiful daughter, we had a great day today and I'm so lucky to have her, my home, my great job, my family, etc. It was his loss, not mine. I just have to keep reminding myself that this person is truly sick and abusive. I sat at the table today at alanoon with some great women telling their stories about their husbands who are still alcoholics and the stories of decades of alcohol abuse and they're still there with them. It was a wake up call to me. I have to remember do I want to be at this table 20 years from now making excuses for him, clean or high? Do I want to take this chance?
This was just an incredible loss of my self esteem and self respect and pride this last go around with him. Urgh!