been there Just......
I fought it. Worked my a$$ off to fix what I knew was wrong with me. Sought, prayed, studied, practiced.......you name it. I learned a whole lot but kept on "not getting better." Not at the rate I expected anyway. At the time, I would have sworn I was learning more but MOVING backwards.......if moving at all. It lasted a lonnng time too. I didn't surrender to my reality for a while.
I suppose we learn to surrender, "or else." Booze didn't bring me to my knees. It did enough damage to get me to AA and get me serious about it.....then the real work started. Like G-daughters said, keep it up. Go back too, I did many times, to the beginning of the steps.......looking for half-measures, lack of willingness, did a lot of 4th steps......did a LOT of praying - a lot of seeking the God of my understanding......+ modifying that understanding - changing "my" God, as it were.
I also went looking for as many mentors, advisers, and helpers as I could. It wasn't fair of me to expect everything I needed could or would come from one man - my sponsor. So, like it says in a vision for you, I sought out the fellowship I craved. They're out there......but we have to go find 'em. I went online......to new meetings......to retreats.......to conventions......joined up with H&I ppl......volunteered to do open talks.....went to Akron to visit......hooked up with my great grand sponsor and spent 8 Wednesday evenings with him from 7 - 9:30pm in a seminar he's put on since 1968 - then went 2 more times...... AND, perhaps most importantly of all, I got REAL serious about helping other ppl. I went looking for new ppl at meetings, walked up to them, smiled, and did about anything I could to make them feel welcome and glad they came. I'd hang out with them after meetings. I'd be gracious to all the ppl I used to judge in AA and focused as much as I could on what other ppl needed rather than what I wanted. They didn't have to be in AA either. I'd smile at strangers, get doors, help neighbors, do "good deeds" and tell nobody about them....... I just went and started doing all the stuff for God's kids that I thought He wanted me to do. That brought a fair amount of relief while I practiced being patient - not a skill I was good at....but got good at, that's for sure.
It hurt like hell for a LONG time.......but it was a gateway to a huge awakening that was WELL worth the pain along the way.