Depression Kicking In....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 2,284
Depression Kicking In....
I've been 100% sober since Oct. & my depression has been lingering around like a dark cloud. Just when I think it gets better, it gets dark again. I have a sponser, work steps, see a therapist/psych doctor ect.... Sometimes I feel like I did permanent brain damage with alcohol/drugs. I think I'm doing everything I can to get better yet things still suck. I even stopped pretending like I am a "big shot" & have everything at my local AA meetings. I have bill collectors threatening me everyday. One threatened me that I will have to go to court. I laughed at that because it's a civil matter. I once went before a criminal judge in bond court with 3 pending cases against me. I have been through so much yet still get overwhelmed at "living life on life's terms".
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,369
it would be awesome if getting sober made everything fantastic but that wasn't my experience at all.
Don't get me wrong, my life improved dramatically - but I still had the same problems I always had - and I had a mess to clean up too, besides.
It took me a long time to sort out the debris from my years of drinking J41...it seemed like it would go on forever....but it didn't
Have faith - keep on down the road you're going - seek out support from your Drs and your friends and your AA buddies depending on you need and when you need it, and things will get better - I guarantee it
D
Don't get me wrong, my life improved dramatically - but I still had the same problems I always had - and I had a mess to clean up too, besides.
It took me a long time to sort out the debris from my years of drinking J41...it seemed like it would go on forever....but it didn't
Have faith - keep on down the road you're going - seek out support from your Drs and your friends and your AA buddies depending on you need and when you need it, and things will get better - I guarantee it
D
Life Health Prosperity
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Louisana
Posts: 6,752
Justfor1, I am 1 year 9 months sober and it is the most irrataiting thing in the world when the thought to use pops into my mind. I just got a high paying, knuckle-bustin job up in Wyoming in an oil refinery. Today was the warmest nicest day since I've been here. I and other were 60 feet up what is called a scrubber when the wind started blowing 60 mph and the temp dropped within minutes to freezing. When me and the youngins I live with got home they immediately fired up a dubbie-snack. I just shut my door and suffered through it. I'm 1 year 9 months sober, 6 months off crack, and I'm not going to give in to temptation. I have come to enjoy being straight and I constantly remind myself about how bad things were when I was using. Thanks for the thread.
Professional Drunk
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Toronto
Posts: 465
Hi Just,
I know what you mean about putting on a 'front' for others. Only my immediate family knows how desperate my situation was/is. I'm flat broke and can't find a decent job cuz of my past. Whenever I go out in public, I dress business-like and professional even though I have an empty fridge and overdue phone and cable bills at home. I literally cannot afford food.
Side question for anyone: Can a recovering alcoholic who is sober but unemployed with $1 to his name use a local food bank?
I know what you mean about putting on a 'front' for others. Only my immediate family knows how desperate my situation was/is. I'm flat broke and can't find a decent job cuz of my past. Whenever I go out in public, I dress business-like and professional even though I have an empty fridge and overdue phone and cable bills at home. I literally cannot afford food.
Side question for anyone: Can a recovering alcoholic who is sober but unemployed with $1 to his name use a local food bank?
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
been there Just......
I fought it. Worked my a$$ off to fix what I knew was wrong with me. Sought, prayed, studied, practiced.......you name it. I learned a whole lot but kept on "not getting better." Not at the rate I expected anyway. At the time, I would have sworn I was learning more but MOVING backwards.......if moving at all. It lasted a lonnng time too. I didn't surrender to my reality for a while.
I suppose we learn to surrender, "or else." Booze didn't bring me to my knees. It did enough damage to get me to AA and get me serious about it.....then the real work started. Like G-daughters said, keep it up. Go back too, I did many times, to the beginning of the steps.......looking for half-measures, lack of willingness, did a lot of 4th steps......did a LOT of praying - a lot of seeking the God of my understanding......+ modifying that understanding - changing "my" God, as it were.
I also went looking for as many mentors, advisers, and helpers as I could. It wasn't fair of me to expect everything I needed could or would come from one man - my sponsor. So, like it says in a vision for you, I sought out the fellowship I craved. They're out there......but we have to go find 'em. I went online......to new meetings......to retreats.......to conventions......joined up with H&I ppl......volunteered to do open talks.....went to Akron to visit......hooked up with my great grand sponsor and spent 8 Wednesday evenings with him from 7 - 9:30pm in a seminar he's put on since 1968 - then went 2 more times...... AND, perhaps most importantly of all, I got REAL serious about helping other ppl. I went looking for new ppl at meetings, walked up to them, smiled, and did about anything I could to make them feel welcome and glad they came. I'd hang out with them after meetings. I'd be gracious to all the ppl I used to judge in AA and focused as much as I could on what other ppl needed rather than what I wanted. They didn't have to be in AA either. I'd smile at strangers, get doors, help neighbors, do "good deeds" and tell nobody about them....... I just went and started doing all the stuff for God's kids that I thought He wanted me to do. That brought a fair amount of relief while I practiced being patient - not a skill I was good at....but got good at, that's for sure.
It hurt like hell for a LONG time.......but it was a gateway to a huge awakening that was WELL worth the pain along the way.
I fought it. Worked my a$$ off to fix what I knew was wrong with me. Sought, prayed, studied, practiced.......you name it. I learned a whole lot but kept on "not getting better." Not at the rate I expected anyway. At the time, I would have sworn I was learning more but MOVING backwards.......if moving at all. It lasted a lonnng time too. I didn't surrender to my reality for a while.
I suppose we learn to surrender, "or else." Booze didn't bring me to my knees. It did enough damage to get me to AA and get me serious about it.....then the real work started. Like G-daughters said, keep it up. Go back too, I did many times, to the beginning of the steps.......looking for half-measures, lack of willingness, did a lot of 4th steps......did a LOT of praying - a lot of seeking the God of my understanding......+ modifying that understanding - changing "my" God, as it were.
I also went looking for as many mentors, advisers, and helpers as I could. It wasn't fair of me to expect everything I needed could or would come from one man - my sponsor. So, like it says in a vision for you, I sought out the fellowship I craved. They're out there......but we have to go find 'em. I went online......to new meetings......to retreats.......to conventions......joined up with H&I ppl......volunteered to do open talks.....went to Akron to visit......hooked up with my great grand sponsor and spent 8 Wednesday evenings with him from 7 - 9:30pm in a seminar he's put on since 1968 - then went 2 more times...... AND, perhaps most importantly of all, I got REAL serious about helping other ppl. I went looking for new ppl at meetings, walked up to them, smiled, and did about anything I could to make them feel welcome and glad they came. I'd hang out with them after meetings. I'd be gracious to all the ppl I used to judge in AA and focused as much as I could on what other ppl needed rather than what I wanted. They didn't have to be in AA either. I'd smile at strangers, get doors, help neighbors, do "good deeds" and tell nobody about them....... I just went and started doing all the stuff for God's kids that I thought He wanted me to do. That brought a fair amount of relief while I practiced being patient - not a skill I was good at....but got good at, that's for sure.
It hurt like hell for a LONG time.......but it was a gateway to a huge awakening that was WELL worth the pain along the way.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,960
Food Banks in the USA are available for unemployed persons. It's why they exist.
I don't know about Toronto. All you can do is call and find out.
Do you have Food Stamps or some kind of government help available?
You can also ask restaurants or grocery stores, ours have to get rid of "out dated" foods, but often leave them available for people to pick up behind their establishments. It doesn't hurt to ask (only some of our pride). Talk and ask!
Stop putting on that front. It's not helping much. Smile when you can, we look better smiling, but seriously, it's time to feel those emotions and move to humbleness. Nothing wrong with letting people know how dire your situation is. I've done it, I've received help. Yeah, I have a college education, too, but it doesn't pay the bills when you are unemployed. (I just started substitute teaching and because of the non-reliable work situation, I'm about to apply for some other positions. Funny how one can feel so much better while contributing to the work place, even on an as-needed basis. I'm back!)
I don't know about Toronto. All you can do is call and find out.
Do you have Food Stamps or some kind of government help available?
You can also ask restaurants or grocery stores, ours have to get rid of "out dated" foods, but often leave them available for people to pick up behind their establishments. It doesn't hurt to ask (only some of our pride). Talk and ask!
Stop putting on that front. It's not helping much. Smile when you can, we look better smiling, but seriously, it's time to feel those emotions and move to humbleness. Nothing wrong with letting people know how dire your situation is. I've done it, I've received help. Yeah, I have a college education, too, but it doesn't pay the bills when you are unemployed. (I just started substitute teaching and because of the non-reliable work situation, I'm about to apply for some other positions. Funny how one can feel so much better while contributing to the work place, even on an as-needed basis. I'm back!)
Professional Drunk
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Toronto
Posts: 465
Thanks for the input Sugarbear. I guess I never factored food as being a problem or budgeted for it. It's a wake up call. I admit I never had to face such basic hardships before. I have a new-found respect for those less fortunate who have struggled to make ends meet.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by Justfor1 
I have been through so much yet still get overwhelmed at "living life on life's terms".
There was a long road of repairing the damage I had done in my life, and at times, it felt overwhelming. Some of that stuff took years to set right. But all had to do to maintain my sanity (and my sobriety), was to ask for a little help and guidance, and follow the path that was indicated, making a little progress every day.
1000 Post Club
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 2,284
I think I understand today that alcohol is only a small part of my problem. It is the way I think and react to situations. I don't think I ever felt "normal". Even before I picked up alcohol. I guess the good thing is that when something goes wrong in my life, I'm not immediatly thinking about picking up a drink.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: CA
Posts: 174
I can relate. Every day I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'm not on solid ground emotionally, a fact I hid from myself, and frankly everyone else, via my abuse.
When I have my bad days, I try to remind myself that they're a result of decades spent hiding from the world instead of facing it. So that puts it in perspective for me... this is all very, very new to me. And it's going to take a lot of time, a lot of introspection, and a lot of work for me to gain, or regain, my mental health.
What I've found helpful when I'm depressed is to simply force myself to get out & go for a walk. Of course, when I am depressed, I don't want to. But I'm always so glad I did after the fact. Sometimes healing is really just as simple as breaking old patterns of behavior. Granted it doesn't happen overnight. But every time you respond to depression, or stress, or whatever torments your mind at the time with a positive response, you set yourself up for future successes.
When I have my bad days, I try to remind myself that they're a result of decades spent hiding from the world instead of facing it. So that puts it in perspective for me... this is all very, very new to me. And it's going to take a lot of time, a lot of introspection, and a lot of work for me to gain, or regain, my mental health.
What I've found helpful when I'm depressed is to simply force myself to get out & go for a walk. Of course, when I am depressed, I don't want to. But I'm always so glad I did after the fact. Sometimes healing is really just as simple as breaking old patterns of behavior. Granted it doesn't happen overnight. But every time you respond to depression, or stress, or whatever torments your mind at the time with a positive response, you set yourself up for future successes.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: in the shadow of the rockies
Posts: 338
first - i heard them when they said "there's no problem that drinking can't make a LOT worse"
and yeah- patience is not our long suit. Took me over a year [and a bad SOBER bike accident] before i found steady work. another couple years to get IRS and other debts sorted out.
But it did happen - and i think it may have had to do with that doing that 'one day at a time; thingy so that i began to trust that i could do long hauls with incremental progress.
Man if you could see me building this big ocean capable catamaran you would laugh your ass at how many times i have had to do 2 and 1/2 steps back for every 3 forward. But ya know what? Hulls and cabins are built and tomorrow i move one of em out of the shop so's i can glass the other one....
and yeah- patience is not our long suit. Took me over a year [and a bad SOBER bike accident] before i found steady work. another couple years to get IRS and other debts sorted out.
But it did happen - and i think it may have had to do with that doing that 'one day at a time; thingy so that i began to trust that i could do long hauls with incremental progress.
Man if you could see me building this big ocean capable catamaran you would laugh your ass at how many times i have had to do 2 and 1/2 steps back for every 3 forward. But ya know what? Hulls and cabins are built and tomorrow i move one of em out of the shop so's i can glass the other one....
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