Originally Posted by
Windmills 
I'm finding it difficult to be on my own. I'm lonely and bored and I hate not having him to talk to. Despite the fact he is toxic and poisonous and not a good person for me to be around. At family occasions it's hard because everyone else is in a couple and I feel kind of awkward, especially when people ask about XABF. How do I even answer that? At the moment I just say 'hes ok as far as I know thanks, we don't really talk much now though'.
I like people. I like being around people, I like laughing, I like conversation and company- recent discovery, I used to think I hated being around people. Amazing how different things are when there's nobody to belittle or humiliate me or refuse to let me talk or make jokes at my expense
But I want to be ok with being alone too. I don't want to miss him and feel like calling him. I want to be happy by myself. It's going to be an important lesson as I don't intend to get involved with another man for a very very long time, if ever. I want to focus on my daughter and a career and making us a great life.
I am just sick to death of the emotional pain and I don't know how to deal with it. I don't want to focus on his drama or his abusive words anymore. I want to learn to live without him.
Well...I don't consider myself "alone".
One decision I made in the wake of breaking up with my AXGF was to challenge myself to do things I've always wanted to do, but never did for various reasons. Without revealing too much, I'm an electrical engineer and a musician, and I'm doing things right now that stimulate those parts of me. Being in a band with 4 other guys also stimulates me, especially with our "locker room" humor. I have a lot of good friends at work and outside of work.
It's on weekends that I'm really by myself, but I don't mind that, either. My schedule is so nuts during the week that I really look at the weekends as a chance to just unwind and not do anything.
I don't want to date at the moment. I don't see me wanting to do that for at least a year. I don't miss sex. I just don't have anything to give a woman right now. And, I'll be honest, I'm allowing myself to heal at my own pace from being betrayed by my AXGF. I don't miss her at all. I don't want anything to do with her. And that's because she's the sickest, most toxic person I've ever known. There's no way in h*ll that I'll ever go back to that sort of situation.
The only advice I can give you, if you choose to listen, is to not look inward. Get your eyes looking outward. Change the channel in your head. Travel. Read. Learn what's going on in the world around you. And tell yourself, when you miss him, that you may indeed miss him...but you don't miss the chaos and disorder he brings to your life.
PM me if you want to talk more about this.
ZoSo