Originally Posted by
tt294 
I'm not sure how to emphasize that he needs to get help without pushing him to hide his drinking even further. Every time we talk about it, he says it's hard and that I don't understand, both statements which I know are true. However, I don't know how much longer I can handle this.
It is not up to you to emphasize anything. If you've expressed your initial concern because it bothers you then that's valid, but any more than that and you are superimposing what you think to be the right thing onto someone else. This is not your place. Also, know that he is addicted to a substance. whatever he says, it's hard, you don't understand, may be true, but they are not processing the information the same way you are. It may look like they're normal, but they are not, they are addicted. Their perspective is MILES different than yours.
Originally Posted by
tt294 I try not to drink around him, but I never know what to do when we're out at dinner and he orders alcohol, since I'm not his mother and I'm not going to be the girlfriend who says "Do you REALLY think you should be drinking that?" (even if I were that girl, it would end in some sort of confrontation/him bursting into tears at the table). If he is going to drink anyway, should I just get a drink, or should I "set an example" and stick with water?
What would you do if you went to dinner with other friends? Do that. Why would you do anything other than what you would normally do? Would you not order a dessert if you were out with a friend who's dieting? They are dieting, not you! This is already telling, you're stepping into territory of trying to control someone else's behaviour by your behaviour and that you're also changing yourself to accommodate someone else's unhealthy behaviour. Also, my experience with setting an example is that we are trying to teach a lesson to the air. Usually the example you're setting is only in your head, while he's at dinner it's likely he's simply thinking about his next drink and has no clue about what's in front of your plate. We often feel we have more power than we do and this illusion will lead you down a road of frustration when you feel he ain't "getting" this example that you are doing (unsolicited) on his behalf. (google drama triangle for more on this concept).
Originally Posted by
tt294 What is the best way to tell him he needs to get help again without setting an ultimatum of "I'm leaving you if you don't" or coming across as judgmental? And how should I act, both when I'm around him and when I'm out with friends who are drinking but know I'll be seeing him later?
The best way to tell him is not to tell him. Back to the first point; it's not up to you. As a partner in this relationship you have every right to express your feelings about his drinking. Beyond that it is up to you to decide that you will accept this the exact way it is with no expectations either way, or you decide to leave.
By the way, if he is 35 then his mother has no control either. He's an adult man. He has been living his life up until now without you - don't let thoughts of 'love is enough' or 'it'll be different with me' cloud your judgement. We have all thought that. Bottom line, he is addicted. Chemically dependent on a substance. If you want to set a true example, then think of "living well is the best revenge". Living your own life in a healthy way, putting yourself first and not enmeshing yourself with another's business.