Not sure what to do

Old 03-23-2012, 08:24 AM
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Not sure what to do

Hi all...

I recently started dating a great guy. We met a few months ago and hit it off instantly but as we started spending more time together, I noticed he was frequently drunk when I got to his house or when we went out. I assumed he just liked to drink/party, but after a while I started getting annoyed and asked if he only liked hanging out with me when he drank. He responded no, we bickered a bit, and he ended up confessing to me that he has been to rehab for alcohol abuse and still has to meet with an alcohol counselor because of a DUI he got last year. I told him I wouldn't judge him but that I wanted him to get help again, and he agreed that he would do so.

The problem is that despite what he has told me, I know he is still drinking before work in the morning, at work, and in the evenings. He thinks he's being sneaky by making drinks in the kitchen and chugging them so I can't smell them, but it's pretty obvious (one time early on I made the mistake of picking up a half-full glass because I was thirsty and wanted Gatorade and he literally lunged to grab it from my hand). I also find vodka hidden all over his apartment: under the sink, in his laundry, in a glass in one of his kitchen cabinets (which I'm pretty sure he did so he could make drinks in front of me without me seeing him pull a bottle out of the freezer/refrigerator). He keeps telling me he's "weaning" himself off of it, but based on the amount that disappears from the bottles I know that's not the case (and I'm not sure if you can even do that).

I'm not sure how to emphasize that he needs to get help without pushing him to hide his drinking even further. Every time we talk about it, he says it's hard and that I don't understand, both statements which I know are true. However, I don't know how much longer I can handle this. His behavior is strange and erratic when he drinks: he gets anxiety if we go in public, or when we're alone he'll suddenly have a breakdown and either start crying or start punching a wall/pillow/mattress and when I ask him what's upsetting him he'll say "I don't know" over and over again. He also can't follow a conversation or make coherent statements when he drinks too much, which is frustrating to me.

He is 32 and I'm 25 so there is somewhat of an age difference; part of what makes it hard for me is that I do drink and have friends who drink/party quite a bit since we are still young. I try not to drink around him, but I never know what to do when we're out at dinner and he orders alcohol, since I'm not his mother and I'm not going to be the girlfriend who says "Do you REALLY think you should be drinking that?" (even if I were that girl, it would end in some sort of confrontation/him bursting into tears at the table). If he is going to drink anyway, should I just get a drink, or should I "set an example" and stick with water?

What is the best way to tell him he needs to get help again without setting an ultimatum of "I'm leaving you if you don't" or coming across as judgmental? And how should I act, both when I'm around him and when I'm out with friends who are drinking but know I'll be seeing him later?

I've never really dealt with anything like this before so any advice is appreciated. Many thanks.
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Old 03-23-2012, 08:56 AM
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Oh girl.....when i meet my exbf back when i was 22 (7 years ago) He drank in the morning, at night...and LOVED HIS WEEKENDS cuz he got smashed! It only gets worse and worse. Your lucky he told you he has a problem, i had to find out on my own. I thought he would change and get better...he did. FOR ONLY A YEAR. Then he was back to drinking again...If i were you..KEEP reading all of these forms and you will know when people say RUN DONT WALK the other way. Staying with an addict only leaves to therapy. ha ha. I to was told by my exbf that "i was a mother" more then a girlfriend, i felt i had to be.

As far as telling him to get help....he wont listen. Addicts can only change when they want to. COLD HARD FACT that took me 7 years to figure out. I thought i could help, i could chang him. We cant. Giving him an ulumatuim wont work iether. You ahve to accept the way he is now or move on. It sucks but it is the truth, i wish people wold have given me this advice years ago....but i dont think i would have listend. I was in love, and when you love someone....love is blind.
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Old 03-23-2012, 09:01 AM
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Keep reading more here, you will learn about the pattern of alcoholism and if I knew then what I know now...I will run the other way.
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Old 03-23-2012, 09:02 AM
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Ask yourself some questions about what you get out of the relationship and what is best for you? Just curious have you met any of his family and do they know he drinks? That could be a red flag! There is also a reason he dates someone younger. Please talk to your friends and family and do what is best for you.
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Old 03-23-2012, 09:42 AM
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Originally Posted by tt294 View Post

What is the best way to tell him he needs to get help again
My advice? You don't tell him again. You already told him, he already responded. Repeating it over and over, in different ways, at different times, will not change the equation one iota.

He's still drinking. There are no ultimatums here, only your decisions. He is an alcoholic. What are your boundaries surrounding that? Do you really want to be involved with an alcoholic? If not then it is time to let him go.

Learn all you can about alcoholism. Read the stickies at the top. Keep posting here. Know what life is going to be like now and in the future if you accept alcoholism into it. It won't be fun, it won't be promising, and it won't be happy.

ETA: At 25 (any age really but especially at 25) I would hope that fun, promising, and happy are at the top of the list of things you want for yourself. Be true to yourself.
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Old 03-23-2012, 10:00 AM
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I told him I wouldn't judge him but that I wanted him to get help again
That's judging him. You know it and so does he.

It's his life and his choices. If you aren't happy with the way he lives his life and makes his choices perhaps it time for you to make some choice about how you are living your life.

Your friend,
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Old 03-23-2012, 10:12 AM
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Nothing you do will affect his drinking. There isn't anything that you do that will make him drink or stop him from drinking. Don't listen to his words believe his actions. His actions are showing you that he has no intentions of stopping his drinking anytime soon. Then decide if that is what you want in your life.
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Old 03-23-2012, 10:30 AM
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Oh gosh, I was in the same situation. I was 25, he was 30. We both drank because it is a young thing to do, getting to know each, fun. Fast forward 6+ years, I am going though a tortuous break up and feel like an idiot for holding on so long with the idea that "if I do this, he will change, if I say this, he will change, if I threaten this, he will change, if I don't do this, he will change, if he loves me, he will change."
I was not put on this planet to take away another person's free will. But I am not on this planet to be miserable, cleaning up after a drunk, revolving (albeit stupidly) my life around making him happy and comfortable in order to not rock the boat. Because if I rocked the boat, it was an excuse for him to go out drinking.
Decide if that is what you want in your life. Because you will inevitably turn into a mess of a mad woman trying to control (NOT possible) his drinking, tease though the lies (what is a lie, what is the truth), broken promises, and WAITING for him to get home, only to have him pass out of the living room floor. Yes, I am bitter and cynical, but at least I am not a crying mess anymore.
You are soooo young, please live your life!!!!!!
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Old 03-23-2012, 10:51 AM
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I just left my "great guy who just had a drinking problem." I was in the same boat as you - I immediately noticed he liked to drink a lot, and quickly it became clear he was an alcoholic. He told me he had been to AA, had a DUI and a couple other alcohol-related arrests under his belt. I also didn't want to be "ultimatum girl," so I held off on that for a while. I eventually gave that a try a few times. Didn't work.

I spent much of the relationship miserable, wondering if he'd be drunk when I showed up, trying to figure out my boundaries (which I'd establish, he'd cross, and then I'd just move them back to accomodate), dreading him meeting my family and friends for fear he'd get drunk and make an ass of himself, being afraid of what he might do while drunk, and trying everything I could think of to influence him to be sober.

Long story short, the heartache and pain were enormous. I wish so much that I could go back to each moment that I considered leaving him and just do it. I realize now that I hardly even had a relationship... I was there to create a sense that everything was OK and normal, for him to show his parents that he can't be so bad if he has a girlfriend. He had no room to care about me. Everything was about the alcohol. You'll come to realize the same, both through your experience and by reading these forums.

So, if you're not sure what to do, what I would suggest is this: Take care of yourself. Be selfish. Every time you wonder how he's doing, check in and see how YOU'RE doing, and know that you have the power to change YOU and the things around YOU.

ETA: The best way to tell him to get help? There isn't one. He can't hear you right now, and won't be able to until he's well into recovery.
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Old 03-23-2012, 10:51 AM
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I'm sure most of us on this forum at one time or another thought that we could change the A and have them stop drinking. It's better to believe in Santa Claus than to believe that.
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Old 03-23-2012, 11:25 AM
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There is nothing you can do or say that will affect an alcoholic's drinking. There's no way you can help him. But I hope you get help for yourself, counseling or Al-anon, because it's easy to get pulled into a drunk's cesspool. To go down with him. Just keep reading posts on this website.......
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Old 03-23-2012, 11:52 AM
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Originally Posted by tt294 View Post
I'm not sure how to emphasize that he needs to get help without pushing him to hide his drinking even further. Every time we talk about it, he says it's hard and that I don't understand, both statements which I know are true. However, I don't know how much longer I can handle this.
It is not up to you to emphasize anything. If you've expressed your initial concern because it bothers you then that's valid, but any more than that and you are superimposing what you think to be the right thing onto someone else. This is not your place. Also, know that he is addicted to a substance. whatever he says, it's hard, you don't understand, may be true, but they are not processing the information the same way you are. It may look like they're normal, but they are not, they are addicted. Their perspective is MILES different than yours.

Originally Posted by tt294 View Post
I try not to drink around him, but I never know what to do when we're out at dinner and he orders alcohol, since I'm not his mother and I'm not going to be the girlfriend who says "Do you REALLY think you should be drinking that?" (even if I were that girl, it would end in some sort of confrontation/him bursting into tears at the table). If he is going to drink anyway, should I just get a drink, or should I "set an example" and stick with water?
What would you do if you went to dinner with other friends? Do that. Why would you do anything other than what you would normally do? Would you not order a dessert if you were out with a friend who's dieting? They are dieting, not you! This is already telling, you're stepping into territory of trying to control someone else's behaviour by your behaviour and that you're also changing yourself to accommodate someone else's unhealthy behaviour. Also, my experience with setting an example is that we are trying to teach a lesson to the air. Usually the example you're setting is only in your head, while he's at dinner it's likely he's simply thinking about his next drink and has no clue about what's in front of your plate. We often feel we have more power than we do and this illusion will lead you down a road of frustration when you feel he ain't "getting" this example that you are doing (unsolicited) on his behalf. (google drama triangle for more on this concept).

Originally Posted by tt294 View Post
What is the best way to tell him he needs to get help again without setting an ultimatum of "I'm leaving you if you don't" or coming across as judgmental? And how should I act, both when I'm around him and when I'm out with friends who are drinking but know I'll be seeing him later?
The best way to tell him is not to tell him. Back to the first point; it's not up to you. As a partner in this relationship you have every right to express your feelings about his drinking. Beyond that it is up to you to decide that you will accept this the exact way it is with no expectations either way, or you decide to leave.

By the way, if he is 35 then his mother has no control either. He's an adult man. He has been living his life up until now without you - don't let thoughts of 'love is enough' or 'it'll be different with me' cloud your judgement. We have all thought that. Bottom line, he is addicted. Chemically dependent on a substance. If you want to set a true example, then think of "living well is the best revenge". Living your own life in a healthy way, putting yourself first and not enmeshing yourself with another's business.
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Old 03-27-2012, 04:15 PM
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Thank you all for your responses...I honestly don't have that much experience with alcoholism/addiction and didn't really think about the fact that it's a powerful cycle. I kind of was in the mindset that "if he cares about me he'll be able to stop" but reading all of your responses has made me realize that it's not about me at all.
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Old 03-27-2012, 04:25 PM
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Great guys. Don't. Have. Drinking. Problems.
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Old 03-27-2012, 06:17 PM
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Originally Posted by blwninthewind View Post
Great guys. Don't. Have. Drinking. Problems.
This is oh so true! Why can't some of us get this through our thick skulls before it's too late? Before we are so emotionally involved that we can't see it for what it is.
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Old 03-27-2012, 07:05 PM
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I was 24, he was 34. It was just a few beers everyday and a few binges here and there. He wasn't around a lot, I thought he was working. I wish I had been more aware, but I was pretty independent and this was the perfect guy for me.

26 years later and 3 children and he's not around much. He doesn't live with us and he's supposedly in recovery from alcoholism that progressed to more than beer. Hidden vodka and blackouts and DUI and who knows what.

It doesn't matter if I'm not his mother. I don't want alcohol in my life so he treats me like I'm his mother. We don't have a relationship. I am a hostage until I recover enough from the emotional manipulation to say enough and move on.
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