Not sure what to do
Hi all...
I recently started dating a great guy. We met a few months ago and hit it off instantly but as we started spending more time together, I noticed he was frequently drunk when I got to his house or when we went out. I assumed he just liked to drink/party, but after a while I started getting annoyed and asked if he only liked hanging out with me when he drank. He responded no, we bickered a bit, and he ended up confessing to me that he has been to rehab for alcohol abuse and still has to meet with an alcohol counselor because of a DUI he got last year. I told him I wouldn't judge him but that I wanted him to get help again, and he agreed that he would do so.
The problem is that despite what he has told me, I know he is still drinking before work in the morning, at work, and in the evenings. He thinks he's being sneaky by making drinks in the kitchen and chugging them so I can't smell them, but it's pretty obvious (one time early on I made the mistake of picking up a half-full glass because I was thirsty and wanted Gatorade and he literally lunged to grab it from my hand). I also find vodka hidden all over his apartment: under the sink, in his laundry, in a glass in one of his kitchen cabinets (which I'm pretty sure he did so he could make drinks in front of me without me seeing him pull a bottle out of the freezer/refrigerator). He keeps telling me he's "weaning" himself off of it, but based on the amount that disappears from the bottles I know that's not the case (and I'm not sure if you can even do that).
I'm not sure how to emphasize that he needs to get help without pushing him to hide his drinking even further. Every time we talk about it, he says it's hard and that I don't understand, both statements which I know are true. However, I don't know how much longer I can handle this. His behavior is strange and erratic when he drinks: he gets anxiety if we go in public, or when we're alone he'll suddenly have a breakdown and either start crying or start punching a wall/pillow/mattress and when I ask him what's upsetting him he'll say "I don't know" over and over again. He also can't follow a conversation or make coherent statements when he drinks too much, which is frustrating to me.
He is 32 and I'm 25 so there is somewhat of an age difference; part of what makes it hard for me is that I do drink and have friends who drink/party quite a bit since we are still young. I try not to drink around him, but I never know what to do when we're out at dinner and he orders alcohol, since I'm not his mother and I'm not going to be the girlfriend who says "Do you REALLY think you should be drinking that?" (even if I were that girl, it would end in some sort of confrontation/him bursting into tears at the table). If he is going to drink anyway, should I just get a drink, or should I "set an example" and stick with water?
What is the best way to tell him he needs to get help again without setting an ultimatum of "I'm leaving you if you don't" or coming across as judgmental? And how should I act, both when I'm around him and when I'm out with friends who are drinking but know I'll be seeing him later?
I've never really dealt with anything like this before so any advice is appreciated. Many thanks.