can't believe i'm still on same roller coaster
I posted my story earlier this week and i appreciate all the feedback i've received from you all. I've been on this site several times a day just looking for support.
I had to go out of town for work for a few days to a place i've been coming once a month for a few days since last July. I was walking through the city when I had flashbacks of the craziness I endured after a break up with my ex when he was in very heavy addiction stage. I left him but didn't really have all the answer. We were about 3 weeks into no contact when I called him on this trip and we had a really long talk about what had happened. Of course, it was all lies. We got back together for what would be a horrendous 5 months. I hate to even think of the things that happened during that time.
So here I am again in March. 8 months of my life given to someone who was an addict, suffered great pain, alot of lies and abuse. My brain is in a fog. I just cried and cried and cried. It felt good to let it out. I hate being in this city.
I hate feeling the same way. That I will never get any answers. I never got any closure. I will never know for sure if he was using again. But this time, I have to do everything in my power to NEVER contact him again. Every time ended so bad. It's so sick that I still hold on to this image that everything is ok, and he finally went to rehab and I do think there is a chance he's clean and he just couldn't do the work to regain trust. Well, HELLO TO ME! Every time I broke up with him I later found out he had been taking pills again. Why is it so hard for us to clear ourselves out of this FOG!
This trip here has been pretty brutal. It has been a wake up call and I never want to feel like this in a relationship ever again. I just have to accept I may never get any closure or real answers out of the person I feel I deserve them from. They really are selfish. Even if he was clean, he didn't have the cahounas to pick up the phone or say it to my face. What a coward.
i'm so glad I'm leaving here tonight and thank you all for helping me keep my sanity this week.