Janie, we've all been there. Chasing our own tails, over & over & over. And you finally get sick & tired of being sick & tired.
You realize there is no reward in catching that tail. The yearning is never satisfied.
The joy you seek most is not in that bottle.
Once you accept the reality that the love affair is over, you can move on. Find new relationships, either w/God, community ( AA) etc.
And build something meaningful for yourself.
You'll get it right. Dont ever give up.